The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Apparently the A told his sister in law that even though he is now with the girl he got arrested with she is good for him as she is clean now. He said that I am not good for him as when we go out all I want to do is use! I know I mentioned last week that we used together- both times we went out. I am not making excuses, but neither time was my idea. He already had the plan when I picked him up. I even told him I didn't want to because it made me feel so bad and like we couldn't go out together because I would then associate him with that and my feelings of guilt. Though, like I said, I have always found it difficult to stay strong in this area. I guess the truth hurts- esp from him- that not only is he not good for me, but I am not good for him. Thanks so much for all of your support. I know I haven't been much help to any of you all right now- but I want you to know how much you mean to me.
PS> He also said that the reason he doesn't see his son is because I won't let him be alone with him- that I always have to be there.
That's a lame excuse for the son thing and you can always have a thrid party be with him if you don't trust him with him. As for the other thing, that's kind of a rude awakening isn't it? Do you like using? If not then don't! I know that must hurt because in your mind you're doing it for him. I think you have to look at yourself and make yourself the kind of person you want to be with. That's what I'm trying to do, become the person I'd want to be with and then maybe that will attract them. It's only one life, may as well make it as good as it can possibly be! No point in dwelling in misery, I hope you have a child support order in effect by the way? I hesitated on that, it was a sore spot for him when I finally got it, but now it's racked up in the thousands of dollars and someday it will come to me. It's hard being a single mom, he can make all the excuses he wants for avoiding his son but he still has an obligation to support him. My friends used to say not to feel guilty for taking money for him because otherwise it was just going to the bar or the drugs or whatever (the new gf maybe) and my kids deserve it more!
I don't know that A's who are active actually tell the truth.
I can certainly identify with abandonment issues.
Have you thought about:
a) counselling b) getting to a meeting every day (you can come here twice a day) c) reading some books on codependency in particular get the book Getting them Sober which is offered by Canadian guy above. d) Stopping talking about the A to his friends and family (I know that is a hard one).
I think life hurts as a unrecovered codependent and addict. Why not seek recovery. You can't really say you used because he did. If you want to get "better" why not try stopping using for a while. Then your life would not be dealing with the guilt you have after using.
You can live without the A I know it might be impossible to imagine it but you can live without him. It is possible to stop being so dependent on another person but you have to take a lot of choices daily to stop doing it and it means actions. I think for me it has also meant being very very very busy doing recovery stuff. Go to meetings, read recovery books, go to counselling, that will take up a lot time you may be thinking of him at the time but you won't be able to call ,obsess yes but you can't call people during a meeting.
No child support order. We agreed on this when I decided to keep the baby. Also, you hit it on the "head" as I thought the using was somehow bonding us and "for him." I know that sounds twisted- remember I have my using issues as well.
Okay now you can trash the rhetoric and go do some recovery searching. Do you need help with an addiction? Where do you get that so that you can be healthy and strong for yourself and alco for your child. Do you want to or not? How much? What are you willing to do to get it? If you wanted it so much there would be nothing that would convince you to use and no one strong enough to cause you to get high? The he said, she said is over. You never had to participate. Your excuse to use has left you are without excuses.
Now what? You have support...lots of it...what are you going to do. Do your part.
I just wanted you all to know that I hear what you are saying. I have always linked my using to my addiction to him and have never stopped to look at them seperately. I have been visiting the NA message board and am coming to see that some of my rationalizations- It's only once in a while, I still work, Never around my sone, etc- just don't hold up.
CoD, good for you reaching out beyond Alanon based on your personal needs for recovery! It's good that you are looking at yourself and choosing to get help for you. You deserve it. We are here to support you. We are all works in progress. Some days are easier than others, just keep moving forward and lean on us when it gets difficult. Keep coming back!
I said I wouldn't get an order too at first, it's ok to change your mind. Your job is to do the best you possibly can for you and your son not worrying about breaking a promise you made to your A. Someone told me that when I said the same thing you just did....but I promised I wouldn't....
I thought for a long time once I said I was going to do something I had to stay with that, no changing of my mind... I am a person of my word, I follow through on what I say I will do, I show up on time, etc. It's ok to re-examine something and say I think that was not such a good decision I'm going to do something different.
The A who I was with made plenty of promises to me. One was that I should move north with him not having a place to live, no money, no where to stay, no job, no funds coming in nothing. That was his idea of commitment. When I balked he said I wasn't giving enough guess nothing was ever enough, no matter what it was not enough! The A's version of giving and supportive tend to be one-way when they are active. Their disease tends to make them rather righteous about accepting responsibility.
The A who I was with wanted it all one way, his way. There was not much recognition of mutual. He didn't do "Mutual" he did "self". I really railed against that for a long time then I came to accept that he had a dis-ease and I wasn't able to change that.
