The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have learned that A's still have many of the traits they had when they were active. One thing that shocked me was that a lot of them still lie. That has gotten me thinking. More reason for me not to trust him, but I've decided I won't obsess over it.
I'm tired of him doing nothing but watching TV at home. I mean, he can do what he wants and he's going to do what he wants, and I do stay busy with other things, but it looks like this is just how he is and it's not about him immersing himself into the TV because he feels so bad about what he has done, and is avoiding confrontation, or is he? Who knows.
I told him 2 days ago that it would be nice to turn off the TV every once in a while, he blew up and told me he gave up everything for me (talking about drinking I guess and his drinking friends), and watching TV is all he has left. Anyway, the blame game again, and as usual, I did not take the blame. I did not say I was going to smash the TV with a hammer. Seems like he reacts to comments about the TV like he did to comments about drinking before.
I told him if he gave up drinking for me, then he shouldn't have. I left the room, picked up the one day at the time book that I bought a few days ago, and started reading.
The next day (yesterday) I decided to not say much of anything, besides I wasn't feeling well by the end of the day. He started talking on his own, oh yeah, the first thing he said was "What did you all do today?" talking about me and my child. Wow, I could not believe to hear him say that. I mean, he actually asked me that.
Then when he was on the pc and something was messing up I did not get up and run to him to help him fix it. That was another improvement on my part. Later, when I layed on "his" couch, he did not complain and just sat on the other couch. Guess yesterdays rehab session and AA meeting did him good?
Btw. talked to someone from AA Tuesday. We both agreed that alanons don't understand aa and aa's don't understand alanon. Before I knew it an hour had passed. Even though he goes to aa and I go to alanon there were things we could both relate to. It was an interesting conversation that I did not expect.
Something I keep reminding myself of is "alcoholism not alcoholwasm" as Abbyal said in a post. I think that's a brilliant way to put it.
Great post Buick, and I love the comment about "alcoholism, not alcoholwasm"....
As we get better with detachment, you'll find yourself more and more willing to just live your life, and he (your A) will either join in or he won't, but that his decision will have far less bearing on your overall enjoyment of your activity....
As an example, most of us do things like "ask our A's to go for a walk with us", and internally we have some hopes/expectations, and we have a reaction (internal or external) if they don't meet these expectations.... True detachment would be "I'm going for a walk", and then going, AND enjoying it..... Over time, he may even say "I'll come too", or perhaps he won't..... Either way, you're better off, cuz you went for your walk!
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I would agree. Detachment does take a lot of work. I think also keeping busy is so essential. I used to hate it when people suggested it but if I'm focused on anything but the "problem" things seem to change. I used to focus of course by doing things like shopping, browsing on the internet and other things that were not goal specific. Now I have goals and work towards them, they don't generally include anyone but me.
Of course none of us want to hear focus on yourself because we want a re-lationship but the first re-lationship we have to have is with ourselves and I related pretty poorly to me!
I can so identify with the dry drunk. Thank goodness for sobriety but the journey has only begun. I think of that TV show "Arrested Development" when I deal with my AHSober. He just doesn't have it and doesn't want to get it. So since he left (and blamed it all on me) I work my program and try so hard to focus on me.
