The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been one year since my AH has been out of detox/rehab. He has, that I know of, slipped up a few times and drank. How much at any given time? I don't know, for I don't inquire any longer. It's his business, not mine.
The other day I caught him hiding a Pepsi bottle (about a 16 oz) in the bottom of his boat. Now, needless to tell you that it wasn't Pepsi in the bottle!) I didn't actually see the bottle as he placed it in the boat. I knew by the way in which he placed the "object" in the boat that it was alcohol. When he looked up and saw me standing a few yards away, the look on his face verified my hunch (hiding alcohol like the pre-rehab days).
We talked very little about this episode. He admitted that he justified his drinking by telling himself that he can control it. I asked him what members of his AA group think of alcoholics controlling their drinking. He said they say it's a myth and that he believes it's a myth, too. Part of me wanted to flip out like I used to do and plead, preach, and threaten. But I didn't. I did tell him that I sincerely hope that he can be honest with himself and do what's best for him.
I walked away from that scene feeling somewhat hopeless of ever trusting him to stay sober and not jeopardize our relationship that has potential to grow stronger and our comfortable lifestyle.
I know I can't control his thinking or choices, nor do I really want to any longer. He is an alcoholic, recovering, sober, dry, or however he defines himself. Because he is an alcoholic, I do believe (at this time anyway) that I can't trust him to not drink again in the near or distance future. Perhaps he will. Perhaps he won't.
But trust is a big thing. And, I realized today while putting dishes away that I do have trust in someone that will not let me down: it's me. I can trust me to take care of my needs and obtain, or at least pursue, some of my wants. I trust myself to keep myself save, emotionally, mentally and physically. No doubt I will make mistakes. But all that means is I have things to learn, no big deal.
Thanks for reading. I hope you are fostering self-trust, or at least well on your way to do so. It's wonderful.
Wow Stormie, congradulations on discovering you are own best friend! That is really awesome & great progress!!! John Bradshaw talks about enmeshment of alcoholic families, he said, ' "You are the only person you will never leave in your life. We are born as individuals (alone) and we die alone." ' I really like that when I heard it b/c it reinforced for me that I DO have me and I am all that I have and that it is a really big, constant, enduring thing! I will always have me if I so choose myself over other people.
"I walked away from that scene feeling somewhat hopeless of ever trusting him..." -Stormie
I can really relate to this sentence, here, I used to do the same thing constantly b/c we are always looking to something to depend upon. I got to where I had to realize that anyone is capable of doing anything in the future good &/or bad, we make a lot of mistakes as human beings. It is really hard to let go of having any expectations at all b/c when things are going well, (naturally) we sort of expect things to stay the same. Of course nothing does. Being in the present moment, not projecting or expecting anything but just accepting life as it happens, frees us up so much. I know I make mistakes and all I can do is change how I handle things. I don't know what it's like to be addicted to anything other than the total abandonment of myself (which I am working on transforming to realized, actualized self-love).
It is great, you just accepted, didnt react in your old ways, like u said it would have only created conflict, that too is big growth! Good for you!!!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
well stormie u had me going for asec when I saw your post . Congratulations girl , here is something someone told me along time ago , her relationships go as follows. her relationship with God comes first , her relationship with herself comes second , husb and family follow. today the only thing I trust is God and Me . God for leading me to my answers and Me to be alert enough to not miss the message. well done Stormie am impressed . Louise
I can really relate to this sentence, here, I used to do the same thing constantly b/c we are always looking to something to depend upon. I got to where I had to realize that anyone is capable of doing anything in the future good &/or bad, we make a lot of mistakes as human beings. It is really hard to let go of having any expectations at all b/c when things are going well, (naturally) we sort of expect things to stay the same. Of course nothing does. Being in the present moment, not projecting or expecting anything but just accepting life as it happens, frees us up so much. I know I make mistakes and all I can do is change how I handle things.
Kitty: I agree with you. Eckhart Tolle's books and interviews found on Oprah's web site have helped me tremendously to learn how to focus on the now and to live and let live. Thanks for your support!
well stormie u had me going for asec when I saw your post . Congratulations girl , here is something someone told me along time ago , her relationships go as follows. her relationship with God comes first , her relationship with herself comes second , husb and family follow. today the only thing I trust is God and Me . God for leading me to my answers and Me to be alert enough to not miss the message. well done Stormie am impressed . Louise
Hi Louise: I agree with what that someone said: First relationship with God. Second is my relationship with me and then others. When I value those in that order, I can be of good service to others.
I heard a spiritual teacher once say, "prayer is our way of talking to God; intuition is God's way of talking to us." I have learned to trust my intuition more. The more I trust, the happier I am becoming.
Hi Stormie~ you are the very first person I have written to. In fact, I have just begun this whole process. I am not positive this is where I need to be but I do believe the "12 steps" is good for anyone and everyone so here I am. I admire your ability to trust in yourself. You are, your very best friend and can always count on that. I, need alot of work in that department. I have not been loving myself too much lately. I have not been my very best friend. It is a very lonely place. My goal is to stop this negative behavior and take control of my life. My family needs me to be strong and "present" in their lives. Lately I have just been going through the motions. Anyways, thank you for your thoughts, they were words I strive to use myself one day!
