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Well, I finally called my ex's counsellor at rehab. Apparently the reason she wanted to talk with me specifically is because he has told her that I am his significant other. He told her that we are getting engaged and to be married this winter. WHOA! News to me. I dont know his reasons for giving her all this untrue information, but hopefully one day I will.
I tried my best to set the record straight and told her that him and I were 'just friends', not getting engaged, and had no plans for marriage this winter. I didnt want to go too deep into everything until I speak with him.
Maybe he dreamt this, but there is no way on earth I would ever consider marrying someone that is an active addict. To drugs or alcohol. Sheesh, the stories he comes up with.
Anxious to speak with him to see what planet he's on.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
wellllllllllll here u go . He is living in fantacy land kinda like we did doncha think ? Looking for someone to save him , he 's gotta figure out that it can't be you . Often we buy into that If I love him enough he will not have to drink , when he has h is own home he will stop , and I suspect u have been there done that too. He has to face reality all of it , not just the parts he likes and u can't do that for him either . We can support their efforts at sobriety , but not allow ourselves to become responsible for keeping them sober , it's so easy to fall into that trap . Hope he is listening when u tell him where u stand , say what u mean , mean what u say and don't be mean when u say it . works He will always be an addict alcoholic , this is alcoholism not alcoholwasm , yes they can change and be happy , but it takes awhile and he has to do it for himself . good luck Louise
This is one of the reasons why it may not be in his best interests for you to be in frequent contact with him. It just makes it that much easier for him to live in denial and fantasy. Alcoholics are very good at hiding from what they don't want to face - they have spent their lives doing this. That's yet another reason why it is so important for us when talking to them to say what we mean, and mean what we say.
I completely agree. My conversations with him are practically extinct right now anyway. Maybe once every 2 weeks, if that. And I plan on keeping it that way.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I have just one question. Why would you be anxious to speak to him about this? What possible logical explaination could he have for an outright lie? The reason I ask is that I remember being into all the explainations and crazy stuff. It truely all just made me crazy. I finally quit even asking for explainations from my AH. I realised that it did neither of us any good for me to almost literally invite him to lie to me again. Some things I would just leave unsaid and some I would confront by simply telling him that I don't appreciate him lying about me. I would leave it at that and not discuss it further.
Anyway that's my ESH. Take what you like, hon. You know what to do with the rest. LOL
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I suppose I'm anxious to hear his reasoning for saying what he did. I'm the kind of person that usually needs to hear an explanation. Whether or not I believe it is another thing. I've become WAY too smart in my journey with him.
I guess in a way I want to hear him back peddle.
I didnt call him today, nor did I have any missed calls from him. If his counsellor told him that she spoke to me, I'm sure he put two and two together and feels like a complete ass. Hey, he made his bed and now he can sleep in it.
When I speak with him, tomorrow or in a month, I will remind him that I'm dating someone and am VERY happy. If he cant accept that we can be only 'friends from a distance' then I may have to close that chapter of my life all together. He is the last person that is going to get in the way of my relationship with my current boyfriend!
I did mention the conversation to my boyfriend, and his response was well put, Is he delusional or what?
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I used to be the kind of person that 'needed' to hear an explanation too, and I drove myself crazy.
It served no purpose, really.
In looking back over my last failed relationship when I was engaged, we both came into the relationship with baggage of past.
He was still dealing with his ex-wife, and I was still hurting from my last relationship (which was years before that and I STILL hadn't dealt with it).
It was doomed from the start.
Today I know if I can't bring a healthy and whole person to the table, I don't need to be in a relationship.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
i dunno have you read Getting them Sober. Toby Rice Drew says A's are actullay quite hard to get rid of.
The issue is the "hooks". The A's use many hooks, indeed many dysfunctional people use "hooks". If you aren't snared by them then they move onto fresh "prey" I guess I am cynical but the A I was with could play me like a piano. The thing is you are "hooked" in.
Detaching is an incredible art. Takes lots and lots and lots of practice.
The focus is still on "him" and what he is doing and how he is feeling and where his recovery is. De-taching means letting him do it without your input.
