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I had to submit my post before I was finished because the cursor froze up and wouldn't let me post more. I know this is long, I am sorry, but I am desperate also.
Before you say that maybe he needed to get away from me because I was hindering his sobriety or anything like that, please know that is not the case. I hardly drank at all, never had alcohol in the house, and only had a glass of wine at dinner once a week (he was into beer) and asked him if this bothered him, he said NO.
What I am wondering is: What my estranged husband has come away with from this local AA group seems very contrary to everything that I have understood AA to be. Is it true that in AA to stay sober you must focus soley on yourself and your needs and wants and that the feelings of the rest in the household, the family are redundant to the recovering alcoholic? That the recovering alcoholic is so fragile, that he can't be bothered by others' feelings and hurts that the alcoholic has caused? Something is not right here, and I do not think it is with AA, but maybe what is being taught at his local group. Or has AA changed this much?
Is it true that in AA to stay sober you must focus soley on yourself and your needs and wants and that the feelings of the rest in the household, the family are redundant to the recovering alcoholic? That the recovering alcoholic is so fragile, that he can't be bothered by others' feelings and hurts that the alcoholic has caused? -Joan
Maybe you could check out some OPEN AA meetings, if you want to listen to the alcoholic's point of view. I did a few times but I was really more concerend about figuring out how to work on me and what would alleviate my pain, since it seemed like the A didn't really care about the pain they caused to me.
I have heard that it takes them a long time to come to terms with themselves, let alone to be able to understand the magnitude of everyone they have hurt. you may be thinking, u dont care about everyone, just what he did to you but he may or may not be able to deal with that. We can however, work on detaching from the situation, accepting reality and what is going on ~ I felt the exact same way, I wanted to be noticed, heard, apologized to, I wanted things to be different. I eventually had to start with me... I am all I can change or have any control over.
I hope some of what I said makes sense. A friend in recovery, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I accept and understand what you are saying. I guess I really do need to focus on myself and my happiness, since that is all he seems to be doing in regard to himself. Besides the local Al-Anon meeting, I think I will try checking out a local open AA one too.
No one can make anyone drink and no one can make anyone stop drinking. The only person we have any control over is ourselves. You cannot help or hinder his drinking. He is an alcoholic and is going to drink because he has a disease called alcoholism. You also have a disease and its obsessing about your alcoholic. While alcoholics have a drinking problem, those of us in al-anon have a thinking problem. Get to as many face to face meetings as you can. Just keep going and keep coming back here. Get some al-anon books and literature and start reading. Our goal is to take the focus off of the alcoholics in our lives (we leave them to God), off of what they do (and do not do), with whom, when, their program, their recovery, etc. and put it on ourselves, what we do (and do not do), with whom, when, our program, our recovery. Hugs, J.
Hi Jean, Please read my first post, this was the second part I had to send because my computer froze or something and I could not continue my post in one posting.
My husband has been sober for 2 years. It is how he has changed for the worse that is concerning me. He is cold, self-centered and seems to have been "programmed" in his AA group to come up with these prerehearsed, canned answers to my worries and concerns. We are currently separated because when he was only 1 1/2 yrs sober he asked for a divorce. Other's in AA have told me that they do not encourage major life changes this early in one's sobriety. He has literally pulled the rug out from under me, yet he has yet to make amends to me or our son (step 9), and in spite of our many many years together and the support and love I gave him, it is now HIS happiness that seems to matter at the expense of the lives of others?????
This does not sound like good teaching from AA. Joan
All tough questions that you ask Joan, and I guess my only thoughts might be that you seem to be wanting to find a "culprit" here (i.e. AA) for your husband's behaviors?? It sounds to me like your hubby is responsible for these behaviors - right or wrong - I don't think AA has much to do with it..... If he isn't "really getting it", he may, in fact, be hiding behind some AA jargon, but he also may just be (finally) being his true self here....
Regardless of the answer on the above - the more important part of your story is the part you are already figuring out.... please get yourself to meetings, in order to turn your focus on you and your daughter....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
As far as recovery goes in AA we use to measure it against how long the drinking went on. 2 years without a drink versus 25 years drinking does't account for much and yet the real truth is in the person as CG states. I also learned that getting the alcohol out of a jerk (not suggesting) will leave you with a dry jerk. Or as the humor of AA says...If you take the rum out of a fruit cake you still have a fruit cake. That stuff isn't much help to those of us who are or have been family, friend or associates of alcoholics. In program we learn that we played a part in our pain and have to learn what part that was and how to take that part out as much as we possibly can. The alcoholic wasn't the cause of all of my problems. Most of my problems were a consequence of my choices and behaviors.
Recovery takes time and is best taken one day at a time I have been taught.
Keep coming back with an open mind and willingness to take suggestions. You will find real help here and that leads to real miracles. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Joan, I think that if you look in side yourself that you have the answers already. It's a difficult propersition, because most of us (including myself) feel that the A owes us something for staying with them and putting up with all their lies and destruction. That if they just would get sober that we could start working on the relationship and everything will be ok. If he has been drinking for any number of years your relationship was probaly defined by alcohol. If he wants to leave, trying to figure out why isn't going to change things, he's probably doing you a favor. Try to make yourself happy, what ever decision you make, make sure you can live with. Do you really want to have someone by your side that doesn't want to be there, that will just create more problems. Don't take his decision as a rejection, but an opportunity. I hope you the best. Olga
I don't know that anyone here would say anyone hindered someone's sobriety at all. We subscribe to the three C's. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, we cant' control it.
Sobriety sometimes can be a very very hard time for people. Dealing with an active A and or an A in early sobriety can be very very difficult. We all need support.
We are not here to take AA's inventory. I certainly used to. I had issues with everything the Big Book, who did what when, reading certain things and more. The issue is that many people do get sober and become better with AA, some do, some don't. The program doesn't "make" your husband do anything and certainly did not suggest he divorce you.
When I lived with an active A I believed that there were all kinds of things that influenced him (his mother, who married someone one week and moved away the next), his family (they had issues so do we all), his friends, his work, his money issues, his health. There were tons and tons of issues. I was incredibly dependent on him.
I had to learn to be un-dependent. Melody Beattie has a whole chapter about that in her book.
I had to look at a whole host of things about me not because of how my A was but for me in order that I would stop feeling so awful and be able to have a life.
I found a lot of the answers here in this room but it didn't come overnight it took years.
