Hi-I am new here and really need help and answers - Al-Anon Family Group

Joanp62 · Member

Hi-I am new here and really need help and answers

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I would look in the phone book or www.al-anon.alateen.org and get to a local face to face meeting, pick up a beginner's pack of pamphlets & study them. The two that helped me the most are A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic and A Merry Go Round Called Denial. Both of these desrcibe the family dynamci of living with an A and the roles we play in the emotional climate.

A's are very selfish. I am sorry he is being so mean & nasty. When A's are contrite and soul searching, you can feel the change in them. Our problem is that we are more focused on them, or what they did or didn't do, than on us. I know it is hard when people hurt you & you feel like you are walking around with a big hole or open wound, we want some kind of acknowldegment. But when we go to an A all upset, they feed off of that energy & the power they have over us to make us so upset. A's play a lot of sick little games. Just b/c he is dry, it doesn't mean necessarily that he has serenity, peace or recovery. Recovery is painful. It is difficult to look at ourselves and see the pain we have cause to us and other people.

It takes a long time to get so messed up & it takes time to get better. If we are unhappy, we can make changes to rectify that. For us, we need to learn to stop obsessing about them & figure out what we can do to feel better. This may sound selfish, like an A but healthy 'normal' people do this too. If we don't all stand up for ourselves, consider our wants & needs, take responsibility for what we do and say and get busy & focused on living our own lives to the best of our ability. We only have one life and I am no longer throwing mine away for others to use.

Hope you stick with it and get involved in al-anon. There are programs for your son too, alateen & alatot, depending on the age. If you want someone to talk to, check out our chat room. Someone is almost always there (& if not just wait a few minutes) people go in & out of there all day long, all over the world. We host 2 online meetings in there aw well M-F 9am/9pm EST and on the weekends, give it a chance, hang in there. You are not alone, we have all had similar experiences. Good luck to you!

Joanp62 · Member

Thank you Kitty. I do plan on going to an Al-Anon meeting in my area. I just thought with this forum I can get some help for the time being, until the next Al-Anon meeting.

I just can't see how he can literally pull the rug out from under me by asking for this divorce, after all the support and sacrifice I have made during our marriage. I do not want this divorce and it seems as though it really is because of this AA group that he has decided to seek one. I know for sure he hasn't met someone else.

Do you know if it is true that A's are told in AA that if someone says something they don't like to reply, I'm sorry you feel that way.? For instance I say to him: "This divorce is wrong, it is a bad idea." He doesn't like what I said so he says "Sorry you feel that way." I say, this is hurting me so much, why do you want this divorce? How can you do this? To which he replies, like a robot who has been programmed: I'm sorry you feel that way. This can't possibly be right, AA isn't like that, is it?

Joan

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

We are encouraged to say that if we can't change anything. It does (in my humble opinion) sound like he is using that as an excuse or a way to be in denial or avoid answering you. i would want answers too but we don't always get that, they might not even know why.

I do know they hate & loathe themselves, they feel undeserving. This is why they are abusive to us. We have to learn to set boundaries to protect ourselves.

wildthang86 · Senior Member

Joan, welcome to MIP! I am glad that you are here. I think you will soon find that there are many members here who will be willing to share their stories with you and hopefully you will be able to draw some strength from those. I would also like to suggest that you read some of the posts on here that say pretty much the same thing as your title to your post. You are definitely not alone and probably there are people who will respond to your post sharing the same story that you have. Keep coming back, you are in the right place to start working on helping yourself! wink

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like he has made up his mind. I am sorry to say this and it may feel really terrible but this is his truth at the moment. You cannot change him. You cannot fix him. You can blame his program if you want but that really is not going to help you.

He is detaching when he says this: "I am sorry you feel that way". We are taught this in our program, also.

It is possible that he is right for himself. He may be doing what he feels is best for him. No, it may not make any sense. It may not be right. It may not be fair. It may hurt like he#l. It may not be what you want but its where he is at and there is no way around that.

Acceptance, my friend. Hurts. Alot. I know, it happened to me, too. But the truth shall set you free, believe me. You may deserve better. HP may be providing you with an engraved invitation for a much better, new life. Keep coming back, many of us have been on a road like this, too. Hugs, J.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

They say that alot of A's are self medicating for an underlying mental disorder. My ex is narcissitic personality disorder as well as an A. The NPD didn't become full blown unti he got "sober". Like without the drugs and alcohol his real self came out.

Not saying that this is the case with your husband. Here is something else I have learned (the hard way). Just because someone is going to AA, has a sponser, works the steps does NOT mean they are healthy. I would have to say I know more unhealthy people in AA than I do truly healthy. I know many who are there and not recovering, they are just not drinking and they do believe that is enough. But it's not.

Good luck, keep posting. We've been there.

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think that you can attribute everything to AA. It is the "ism" in alcoholism. They tell us to take the focus off of the A and focus on you. That is going to meetings, reading the literature, etc. My AHsober did a similar thing after a 30 year marriage, sobriety, AA, and counseling. He left. Nothing I could do except run to Alanon. I know it hurts. My AHsober is a dry drunk - they have no skills. They are emotionally underdeveloped. Tough to deal with I know. Make a plan. Take care of your kids.

In support,
Nancy

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((Joan))))))))) <---hugs,

Lots of good experience, strength and hope from other members. I just wanted to welcome you and give you a hug and let you know that you are not alone.

This program is a gift,
yours in recovery,
Maria

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know that AA made him anything. Really recovery is a hard issue and some people totally shut down in it. That is their way to get through they white knuckle it. Many many many A's look for a scapegoat when they are recovering. My former boyfriend told everyone that I was the source of all his problems.

I don't think AA has a particular way to get through a divorce or encourages divorce or anyone to be selfish and mean to anyone.

On the other hand if you are devastated by the state of your marriage you can get help. You can stop begging (I did a lot of begging in my relationship) you can go to counselling (for you not for the two of you). You can also go to al anon and start working on how you feel.

We can't do anything to make him see the"light". We can however help you with issues of detachment, grief, anger and more. You are in the right place.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.