The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Woke up this morning and found out that the A also went out last night with a group of friends. Obviously did not ask me to go. I really am trying to detach, but how do you fight this feeling of anxiety, of jealousy, of HURT? Thanks so much for letting me get this out. This board is such a lifesaver for me.
Just feel them, let them cover you and flow through you, like submerging yourself into a lake or an ocean. Open the doors, just feel it. Let it wash over you like a giant wave. Feel hurt, feel jealous, feel the anxiety. DO NOTHING (except cry, etc), make no calls, make no decisions, make no efforts to interact with anyone. Just keep feeling it all, keep the doors open until its all gone and I promise you, it does wash through you and all floats away!
It is good to take some time to only do this, do not try to be doing anything else, turn off the phone, sit alone and quietly and do this exclusively so that you do it thoroughly.
It is completely acceptable and OK to have these feelings. Feel them. It does not mean you need to act in any way on them. Try just feeling deeply without acting. Try just sitting with yourself alone. Try comforting yourself, try putting your arms around yourself and hold yourself. Hugs, J.
The thing that worked for me was getting a life. You know how we have the slogan "Live and Let Live" well, I was so focused on my A and HIS life and allowing (lol) him to live HIS life that I forgot the first part which is LIVE! That means I get to live. I get to figure out what I like, dislike, want, don't want. I get to go out with friends, I get to take care of myself and my kids, I get to decide what is good for ME!! And that is exciting!!! 13 years of focusing on the A and I didn't know where to begin. I actually was lost when the A was out doing his thing. I didn't know what to do with myself besides sit and obsess and feel hurt.
Until I got involved in this program fully and started living my life.
That is what I did to get over the feleings of jelousy and rage and injustice and pain. I got a life that didn't involve or revolve around the A.
Yeah, I totally second what Seren said! Put the focus on you and doing what you love and following your bliss and watch all that crapola fall by the wayside...J.
By focusing on yourself and your own recovery. Find a home group, get a sponsor, get involved with service work, take the focus off of him and back on you.
When we come into the rooms of Al-Anon we are just as sick as the As, if not more. Our lives have revolved around the A for so long, that we have lost ourselves--our needs, our likes and dislikes, our boundaries, sometimes even our morals.
Now is the time for you to rediscover all of that (or as in my case, to discover it for the first time)..
You cannot control the A (just like you could not control the alcoholism)...and if you continue to try to do so, you will never escape the dysfunction/co-dependency...
Until and unless your A truly finds recovery (finds a sponsor, does the Steps, is willing to work on his defects of character and to change his isms) he will likely continue to act "as if" he were drinking, without the drinking. In my case, my AH was sober for 9 months, but he continued to lie, to manipulate, to seek to satisfy his own needs/desires all the while claiming he was in recovery and that he wanted our marriage. His actions said otherwise. I had to detach, let go of the relationship and my hopes that sobriety would instantly fix every thing and fundamentally change him, and accept that he was sick. He worked hard for many years to get to the bottom--to become a man without honor or integrity. Looking back now, I am amazed that I thought he could change overnight. It takes work and desire and I couldn't do it for him. It took awhile for me to figure that out, but when i did, then I was able to start my own recovery. It has taken (and continues to take) hard work, prayer, and tears, but it works IF YOU WORK IT.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I have been reading your posts and although we have a bit of a different story (not so different since they both have to do with addicts), man oh man do I feel your pain. How do I fight jealousy? How do I fight obsession? How do I fight lonliness? I go to a meeting. I have gone to meetings just so I don't have to pace the stupid livingroom again. Along with that I read everything I could get my hands on.
Do you go? Have you tried them? The more you go the better you will feel. If you lived close I would invite you to go with me.
I was so messed up when I got here. I was a real isolator. I didn't leave the house very often. The more I stayed in that house the more my mind tormented me. I focused on about 3 thoughts a day...My ex husbands using, my sons using and my daughters usings...And all the things they blamed me for ...Hmmm guess that is 4 things.
If you haven't gone to a meeting try like heck to get to one. You will meet so many wonderful people who will understand what you are going through. Go to coffee after the meeting too. That was when I really got to know some wonderful people who I now call family.
Keep coming here and posting, I just wanted you to know I wish the best for you and your alanon journey. You are so worth it!
I love the responses you received from the MIP members. They brought back soooo many memories of what it was like when I finally reached the doors of Al-Anon. It was members just like these who spoke to me just like you are being lovingly spoken to and it all led me to to maybe one of the solutions you are asking for. "How do I fight the jealousy feelings, fear and anxiety and hurt and lonliness and.... Self love. If Al-Anon can lead a victim of this disease to anything it is self love...without guilt, shame or injustice. You are asking the right people the right questions. Keep coming back...(((((hugs)))))
here's what I do, I make up a story in my mind about why he did that.... he didn't want to have me see him drinking and acting like an @$$. or something like that. Then next step start making new friends.
well one thing I do is not react. When I 'm up against things that normally send me into a tailspin I don't react. I work on what do I need to do to take care of me.
Of course the other thing I would suggest is to read Getting them Sober. She has some wonderful anecdotes and ways to dispell the rumor that A's have fun!
