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I went to my first F2F Alanon meeting on Friday and felt some hope for the first time in a while. Then yesterday, AH started drinking in the afternoon and started sending me these weird texts in which he basically told me that I was only concerned with my own happiness and not his. THen he blasted my friends for absolutely no reason and worked himself into this pissed off state - all during the two hours it took him to fill the car up with gas and get pizza. What the hell?
This morning he showed remorse and was glad I handled him nicely. I've been trying not to yell at him or flip out in any way even though inside I want to strangle him. Well, I spent the day with my mom and while I was there he got completely trashed. When I got home he was at a neighbor's house and drinking heavily there. When he finally came home, my 3 year old daughter didn't want to go near him and he was hurt so he started to get mad at me and anything I said. Basically I put him to bed so he could pass out and give me some peace.
He hasn't been this bad in a while. Has anyone had this kind of thing happen after going to alanon? I really think he resents me going even though I haven't said anything to him about it only that it was something I needed to do. I've been trying to be nice so as not to provoke him but I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do.
My ex started going to AA and suggested that I go to alanon. I didn't. But when he relapsed I called for a schedual. Well, he intercepted it and threw it away without me knowing! I waited for 2 weeks thinking that those alanon people were really a disorganized organization!!! LOL!!! He admitted what he did a few years later after he went back to AA again and I had been in alanon for awhile.
And while I was going to alanon, in the beginning whether he was going to AA or not, he always tried to pick a fight with me whenever I came home. He didn't try to stop me from going, but as soon as I got home he'd get nasty.
He was a real piece of work. And now I am divorced and I go to as many meetings as I can and no one says a word to me or tries to start a fight!!!
I'd be willing to bet that underneath that anger of his and picking fights, there is fear.
You are doing something to help yourself, and that scares him.
Everyone around the active alcoholic plays a role, and when someone steps out of that role to seek a healthier way to live for themselves, it disrupts the comfort zone the alcoholic has created.
Good for you for going to your first f2f! ((((hugs))))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I didn't know what my Ah would think or do when I started al anon about a year ago. But I felt so out of control and miserable, I finally went after it was suggested to me for months by others. The first time, I was so down, I had finally got to the point of not caring what he thought about it but also feared what his reaction would be at the same time. I was so sick with how the disease of his alcoholism had affected me. Crazy thoughts like I was not respecting him, our own family, airing our dirty laundry or secrets etc by going.
At first, he acted out and his drinking seemed to get even worse. He didn't understand what it meant and appearing void of any emotional support to me anyways, he wouldn't talk about it and I didn't initiate talk either about al anon.
Then as I learned tools from al anon like detachment, etc, his acting out settled back to the more usual drinking and even less at times as I learn how to say what I mean but not say it mean. I can't cause it, control it or cure it - that is his to take care of but I have made my life more enjoyable and less chaotic even though he is still in denial.
There is still much for me to do for me. These are just my experiences living with a functional A who drinks & passses out at home often. Your other replies are like I saw, change in the way things are makes them unsettled and fearful of what will be. Now I know my AH likes this less chaotic atmosphere too so he doesn't flinch when I take off for a meeting or visit with my sponsor. He still doesn't have a clue what al anon is all about but the changes are positive and have a ripple effect for the family so that is good and all he wants to know.
It works if you work it odat. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I agree, he's fearful. My AH husband was a total jerk the minute I mentioned going to a meeting and when I got home he was even a bigger jerk. But what I heard in those meeting far out weighed what I had to put up with for going. He still resented Alanon even 3 years later when I left him. It took about a year after that to come around to admit that Alanon wasn't the reason I left. He was sure that that was the message I got at those meeting. He said I changed once I started going to them. I'm proud to say I did! I wasn't a door mat anymore and it sacred him to death that I might be able to think for myself!
Three years later he's disappointed I'm not still attending ftf meetings! Well, he's 3 years sober and we're divorced so I don't feel the day to day need for support. He still doesn't understand!
Anyway, don't let anyone keep you from Alanon. You do it for you and stay strong. You're stronger than you know.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor. Good for the . I am so glad that you went to your first f2f meeting. Good for you!
I remember when Tim went to his first AA meeting. I was so happy that he was sober and wanted to stay that way. But deep down inside of me, there was fear of what was going to happen. Would he suddenly decide that he didn't want to be with me? What would they tell him? Change people, places and things. Did that include us? Would he still have time for me? All those emotions. It really did a number on me.
Tim did encourage me to go to Alanon, but I didn't like the local meetings. It was only after he relapsed that I found this place. It was my lifesaver. (Now that Tim is gone, I am finding I still need this place and my program.) When he was active again he would say things about Alanon. You know what? It was fear that he was feeling.
The thing about sobriety and recovery is this: Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about living strong. Do what is best for you and your daughter. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi Kary, I had a similar experience when I first went to Alanon f2f meetings almost two years ago. My A wife, who is still active, hated it and tried to lay the guilt trip on me. She tries to do this about every 2-3 months even after close to two years of my going to a regular weekly meeting ! I think others who posted above nailed the reasons.... fear, because I'm changing and not playing the same role in the drama that I did for years.
How do I deal with her when she gets on a rant about my going to meetings? I have learned in the program that doing something for me that is about my health, serenity, peace is critical to me and is non-negotiable. I just tell her very calmly, slowly, nicely, that I attend Alanon for me, for my health and serenity, and it's very important to me ...... and if anyone in this world doesn't like that, then that's just too damned bad. That's pretty much a direct quote. with an emphasis on the word "anyone".
Seems to work well .... kinda stops her dead in her tracks.
Sounds like you handled this all very very well. Of course you are resentful. No one expects you to be a saint.
Yes many many many of us have handled people who got worse. The A who I was with for 7 years eventually got worse, much much worse.
I learned a great deal from al anon. In fact I basically still live here learning and learning and learning and applying the tools.
Personally when I got to a place where I could "deal" with the ranting A without reacting it was a source of great triumph for me. He certainly ruled the roost for years.
I notice how he can go to various people's houses but you can't. You are supposed to be on call for him day and night.
There is a phenomenal offer at the top of the screen by Canadian guy to get a copy of Getting them Sober. Type in your name and address as soon as you can. That book is worth its weight in gold especially if you are dealing with an active A.
Seek out a copy of Codependent no more. I am re-reading it and see more and more of myself in there.
Good luck. You can come here anytime you like. get to know us. We are all great (really!).
I think it is very common, and my ex-AW certainly was (emotionally) abusive to me when I first started Al-Anon.
I think you have to remind yourself that many (most?) active A's have ONE primary focus, and that is that they want to do the bare minimum to have anything in their world change.... That includes you (as his spouse), as his fear of you getting better, is that you will no longer put up with his unacceptable behaviors. Of course, then won't say it that way (who knows if they even understand it that way), but he is acting that out..... His desire is to keep you stuck, and sick, so that he can remain stuck, and sick.
My ex used to really resent me going to Al-Anon meetings, having convinced herself that all we do is A-bash at the meetings.... I fought with her on that issue for way too long, until I finally realized that it was not a winnable fight. I kept going, and eventually she stopped hounding.....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
. I am so glad that you went to your first f2f meeting. Good for you! 
