The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wish I could disappear. My husband called me a bitch. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that. I know that its not a big deal to most people but that word really hurts coming from him. I've been with him for 14 years and have never heard him refer to me like that before. He thought I couldn't hear him cause he thought he had already hung up the phone but I did hear him.
I know that lately I have not been easy to live with. I just wish he didn't say it or that I didn't hear it. I know I can't control how he feels. I can control my reaction though. I'm not sure what the next step would be for a healthy person. In the past when something has upset me like this I would flip out. I'm really good at intimidating, manipulating and shaming him but I don't want to do that anymore.
I feel like a different person now that I'm a mother and would like to learn how to handle these things in a healthy way. I want our relationship to be based on trust, love and respect not fear and manipulation. I feel like him using that word about me is a huge red flag. I know I am not without blame but it really hurts.
I feel like I can't trust him. He lies all the time. Mostly trying to hide things from me like internet porn but he also lies about dumb stuff. I just wonder how often he is saying "bitch" in his head while looking me in the eye. It also hurts that he has these strong feelings but feels like he can't share them with me in a healthy way. I'm not sure if we're going to make it through this 'rough patch'.
To some this would not be a big deal but it would be for me too. Most important is if it is a big deal to you - that is what matters the most.
I don't have any answers really but I do have some random thoughts I wanted to share.
I've learned in al anon that just because someone labels me or critiques me doesn't mean it is truth. As I become more and more honest with myself, I know who I am more and whether my actions were appropriate.
When others tell us something about ourselves, we should always consider the source. Are they known for accurate evaluations?
The hurt I can feel brings such pain at times - talking about it with others helps so it is good to post these things like you have or call a sponsor. We always have a choice, to bounce inaccurate info off us and detach. easier said than done but liberating just the same to remember we have a choice.
To some, it is just a word but to me it would be more the tone and meaning behind the word when it is unusual to have this name calling.
Keep coming back and glad you shared. Keep what you want and leave the rest.
hugs, ddub
-- Edited by ddub at 22:48, 2008-08-30
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Noone deserves to be called names or treated badly. I have been with my Abf for 7 years. He quit drinking 4 1/2 months ago, but I will never forget when he called me a b**** and many other names. The first time he called me that I was so hurt and could not believe that that word came out of his mouth.
He continued calling me names when he was drunk for a long time and it still hurts. Sometimes he would even call me a b**** jokingly and I got so upset and told him that it hurt my feelings. He did not understand. It is a huge red flag. He has not dared to say these things since he quit drinking. I will not tolerate it anymore.
Over these 7 years things definetely got worse. It started with name calling, then he would break things, acted completely crazy, became controlling, broke into my house several times, threatened neighbors. Towards the end I was afraid of him, didn't know what was going to happen next. He even cornered me several times, grabbed my throat, went completely insane.
Please be careful and do what you think is best for you and your child. It always gets worse, and in my opinion it probably will become worse than name calling.
What helped me was...remembering no one likes to feel controlled, manipulated or intimidated.
I began to work on the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I had found myself practicing these principles in all my affairs with everyone I came into contact with, so that by the time I was around my loved ones it was more habit then forced.
I worked to feel better about myself. My actions had to speak louder then my words.
Do it for you, the rest will fall into place. Glad you posted.
Nasty name calling is just not necessary in the course of our daily lives.
Nasty name calling is what children do. It is not a mature behavior.
I can remember when my soon to X AH called me names, I was so shocked because, you see, I thought I was in a relationship with an adult. I found out that was not true. His body was an adult one but his emotional and psychological reality was that of a 13-14 year old boy. His behaviors were that of a 13-14 year old boy.
well plenty of people have called me names. I do not take those things personally anymore. I have had to learn to let it slide off me. I think that takes practice.
I do think being aware that one uses manipulation is so key. I learned to be very manipulative because of the way I grew up as a child. I also used to flip out all the time. I'm working on my anger issues now in therapy. I find that helpful.
I know personally I tend to obsess and obsess when I'm in a row with someone. I had a huge row with one of my roommates a few months back.There were some very nasty interchanges. I am so relieved to have the program working for me. I very rarely think of her or obsess about her. I know I got into some very unhealthy patterns with her. The only way I knew to stop them was to break up the friendship.
I think its formidable that you are aware the way you are interacting on both sides is not okay. Changing that requires a great deal of patience, sometimes relationships survive that and sometimes they don't. I do know for me unhealthy relationships took up all my energy, now they don't. Progress not perfection.
I'm sorry for your troubles, Lily. My only suggestion is to get yourself to more alanon meetings where you will learn which tools to pick up in these situations. I can understand your hurt and anger. Guess it's time for you to find out how much you can allow in this relationship. (((Lily)))
