The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I start this post I atually have no real idea where it is going. Let me start with my AH and I came to an agreement and he is moving back in. I feel quite confident in this decision and accept that he is an acoholic and understand that I have to continue with my program to keep myself strong. He understands this as well. He feels that at his request I will not judge him or try to change him. That is fine for me, I had already begun my own work on those very issues. If he feels like he is asking and I am accepting of his terms all the better. Yes I have read "Getting Them Sober". I intend to keep reading and re-reading this book. I want to keep things fresh in my mind. It is a little awkward but I feel that we have put in work, on both sides, to make things work. We at least agree that we are both at fault for things that happened to bring us to this point. I have concerns about how things will really work out but I believe in my program and will continue to do my own work for me. I intend to continue with my therapy, for me to remain as strong as I feel right now. I know that alcoholics are known liars, which I always keep in mind when i make my decisions, and I accept this and have learned detachment to make sure that I keep my inner strength in tact and not get caught up in the chaos that those lies bring about. I feel as though I have come a long way in a short period of time and the confidence I have gained is all due to my own will to want change and know that I am better off for having done the work that I have. I knew that I wanted change before I had my AH removed from our home, I just didn't have the tools to do it. Now I have the tools and know that I have to do the work to keep me strong, FOR ME! The reality is that this disease will get progressively worse and I have accepted that. How I will deal with as time goes by, I don't know. I have to take it one day at a time. That is the only way I can stay healthy. I can't say that things won't become chaotic, I believe that they will, but I will put effort into not becoming entangled in it so bad that I can't see what is real. That is what I use this board for now. He knows he has a disease called alcoholism. He knows that only he can "make" himself stop drinking. He knows that when he chooses to stop drinking it will be his responsibility to take care of his sobriety. As we all know, the A's are quite charasmatic so I always try to monitor myself in discussions with my AH. It takes a lot of work but at least now I feel like I have real strength to draw from and a means to keep building it up. I pray that things will work out and always know that I need to work on a plan B. This world I have accepted, I have done so with open eyes and heart. I will always come back here to draw on you all for strength and guidance. I will close for now. Thank you all for your support.
Remember to keep the focus on youself and to take life one day at a time!!
I wish you the best--my sober AH is moving home next month after being separated for almost three years. I have a feeling I may be adding another meeting or two to my weekly schedule.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Hi! My AH and I have been separated for 3 1/2 months now. He wants to move back in and is just waiting for me to say okay but I'm not ready yet.
I'm curious as to how long you were separated? How did you know that you still loved your AH and was willing to give it another try?
I'm working with a sponsor and am attending weekly f2f meetings. I've been active in Al-Anon since May. I don't believe I have enough understanding of the tools of the program yet and therefore cannot fathom my AH moving back anytime soon.
You must feel a little nervous. I would be too. I find that I'm still controlling things even though we don't live together. Example: he told me he had to be at work at 5 AM yesterday and I reminded him to make sure to set his alarm clock. I still find myself slipping back into old habits - but I'm working on it.
I hope it works out well for you and your AH. One day, I hope to be as strong as you.
(Love that name and start humming the song as I read your post )
I can relate to your plan as I am living it too except my functioning AH is still in denial. I think the combo of lots of therapy to become aware and accepting of the reality we live in and finally finding al anon to get tools to do something about it has made me have spurts of pulling everything together quickly in a short time. Some things take much longer as it is so ingrained in me or I am stubborn on certain issues to accept that it is what it is.
I too know that it is progressive and will just take it odat, work on plan B and focus on the work I have to do. Looking for moments of joy, love and peace can help me to balance the moments of chaos and insanity. Plus I know how to stay out of the way better and not be dragged in or dragged down.
Thanks for sharing and helping me to review my plan also. I agree with SLS, focus on ourselves one day at a time.
hugs, ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
(((MIchelle))) Good luck, sounds like you have put much thought into this decision, and are prepared to deal with what ever problems this might bring your way. You have grown in the program. That has been evident as I have read all your post and replied to most.
The strenght you have been able to show in spite of all your family and health problems is to be admired. You are an inspiration to me and I feel many others on this board. As others above have already stated, continue to take care of you first. You deserve it more that most. RLC
I went back and forth with the A I lived with for 7 years so much. I left him in April 2007, I still left the door open. Last summer he was in a bad way, homeless, penniless. I still had the door open.
No one here is going to judge you for taking the A back. Many of us go back and try again. I think for some of us that is part of the process. Some people do manage to make a life worth living with an active A, others have A's that find sobriety. I don't know that there is a "right" way to do this. I do know that with the help of Al anon I found a better way for me and that for me was without the A. Since then I've met many men who are in recovery and some who are not. I get more discerning as I progress through the program.
I hope you will keep up your al anon and your therapy. I find them both invaluable.
