The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my A-boyfriend left my home Aug. 15th. at first he said "i don't love you, this is over and done." since then he's come over and we've talked (he comes over to keep his promises to my daughter), and he keeps saying that he has a lot of things to work on, and it will take him a long time, he still loves me and we might be together someday. i have no problem with him working on stuff, i have stuff to work on also. i really, really do hope we can get back together.
i really need a lot of information that i don't have and can't find. i want to come to online meetings (no f2f in my area) but i'm afraid if i started talking, i'd never be able to stop :( my A-boyfriend was clean and sober for 23 years ... but i'm just now learning that he's been addicted to vicodin (for back pain) for at least the last year, possibly longer. i knew he was taking it, he said he's got a pain contract with his doctor, and i thought he was ok. but looking back now with hindsight 20/20, i feel stupid for not seeing some of the red flags!! like personality changes and mood swings. after he left, i asked him about it, and he admitted to being addicted. yet he still blames me for things, diagnoses me, calls me codependent constantly, uses "you" statements quite a lot, and projects a lot of his past problems on to me. i detach as best as i can.
it seems like he's drunk sometimes, or perhaps dry drunk. he's completely changed his opinions on sexuality and intimate issues, he's even changed his personality quite a lot. i look at this man i've loved and sometimes i see a stranger! then a moment will come where his eyes seem clear and he's looking right at me and i know he's seeing me and hearing what i'm actually saying, it feels so good! then he clouds up again, and only responds to his own opinions, and not to what's actually happening.
what exactly are the symptoms an alcoholic would exhibit if they're addicted to prescription drugs? his back surgery is Sept. 10th, he'll still be on vicodin for pain relief, plus possibly oxycontin immediately after the surgery. i've heard that oxycontin is deadly addictive! why would they give it to a person who they know was an addict? will he get worse before he gets better? will he become a danger? and will there ever be a chance he can "sober up" off the vicodin and be himself again?
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
"Not drinking" does not equal "sober", I'm sorry. Until he starts taking responsibility for his actions, and actually examines (and changes) his life, he's just as sick.
At alanon, we try to keep the focus on us. You know that unless he starts to get better, he is going to get worse. You know that there will be lying, blaming, inconsistency, unreliability, chaos - these things go with the disease no matter which drug he is taking.
You can get some alanon literature online, or even from your public library, if there is no meeting nearby. It won't give you information about what your boyfriend will do, but it will tell you some things that can help you.
My AHsober has drank in over 20 years. He doesn't work a program any more. He said the same thing to me, don't love you, never did, and he walked out. Now what do you do with that? Believe that it is a disease and many A's are co-addicted. We learn to take care of ourselves.
You sound program wise and experienced on the faces and personalities of addiction. You know how to detach and that is a great tool in our program. Detaching with love is a miracle!! Vicodin and Oxycontin are major addictive drugs and even while you are concerned you are powerless over them and his addiction to them. You can talk to his doctors and ask them for answers to your concerns while keeping an open mind. I found that "professionals" dealing with drugs are still "dealers" and have even experienced my own physician's attempt to calm my concerns about readdiction by personalizing the drug saying "My drugs won't hurt you and are not addictive." They are people and often in convenient denial. Convenient denial because they won't go the extra mile to create solutions to the concerns of others. They will at time take the easy road. Not long ago the emergency physician who was tending to my wife prescribed a popular synthetic steriod for her condition. I was knowledgable about the chemical and asked him if he explained to her the downsides of this chemical. At first he started to tell me that there were no downsides and finally backed up and got honest about it when he became aware that someone had done their homework. He then suggested an alternative that was not harmful. The chemical was prednisone and it can and will damage the heart when taken over time.
While your alcoholic is attempting to take care of his condition you need to take care of you and your daughter.
Keep up your work with reality and reducing your denial along with other program ESH. You can't get to a face to face meeting come to this site and participate. Get Conferenced Approved Literature (CAL) and read as much as you can about addiction and personal change.
Drunk is drunk and while alcohol is a liquid depressant you can expect various and different behaviors from a depressed state to suicidal to high agitation and delusions and more from vicodin and oxy. If he doesn't control his useage his prescriptions will disappear before their term and you will witness withdrawal agitation, fear, anger, rage and more. The pressure can and will get extreem for you as well as him as he will continue with the putdowns and abuse.
Get into the NA (Narcotics Anonymous) board and room on this site and read from those who know. There is also the AMA and other knowlegable sites that can tell you what to expect from this kind of addiction. Press his doctors for the truth and tell them that you and your daughters safety may be at stake.
Personally I don't see the need for self reproach. I did not see the red flags in my relationship with an A (also an addict) for years. How can I reproach myself I certainly wasn't trying any harder than I could. I tried to do it the codependent way and ended up here. Now I have to try "it" again.
One of the core issues for me in my recovery (and this is my ESH not what you Must do) was to take the emphasis off the relationship and put it on other areas of my life. That shortcircuited the need to examine every ounce of the A's behavior. Does it matter if you know what the symptoms are of drug use? If you are uncomfortable with the A's behavior that's a sure sgn that something is wrong.
I have to at all times remember the three C's, I can't control it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. So I'm not sure if for me personally knowing the symptoms of what drug use looks like is that relevant. What can I do if I have that information, not much.
