The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Realizing that I am an enabler and actually contribute to my A's condition has made me sad today. Once again, realizing that we should not be together because I am not good for him and him not good for me hurts. I guess the thought that we will NEVER be together is just overwhelming.
I have learned along my journey with my ex, that no one can make an alcoholic drink or a drug user do drugs. The individual makes the decision. Of course people make the wrong decision once in a while, but you cant look back and you cant look into the future. You have to concentrate on the days as they come along. If you both work your programs and abstain from drinking and/or drugs and support one another, I dont see why you cant be together. Heck, if my addict was clean and working his program I would have married him. Who knows what will happen in the future, I dont have a crystal ball. (although sometimes I wish I did).
Just stick with your program, concentrate on you, offer support to your A when needed, and things will fall into place. You just dont know what the future holds.
__________________
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
It was extremely painful for me to finally accept that my exAH and I were indeed toxic to each other.
In looking back, my untreated codependency allowed me to focus on his using/drinking because he was, after all, much 'worse' than me in those areas, while cleverly avoiding my own chemical dependency issues.
I also realized that the only reason I had long periods of abstinence from alcohol/drugs prior to recovery is because I had plunged deeper and deeper into my addiction to him. It was giving me what I needed.
As with all things in addiction, whether it be to the A's, or booze/drugs, the addiction to him eventually no longer gave me what I needed to avoid facing reality, and then my other addictions spiraled out of control.
For me, I had to address my chemical dependency issues first, then the codependency issues later.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Two things CoDe. One, you do not know what the future holds. For yourself or anyone else. You can not say never. For today, for the forseeable future, but not forever. Miracles happen.
Two, the miracle just may be that YOU get healthier and no longer desire to be in a dysfunctional relationship. That you lose your obsession with HIM and your compulsion to be with him. That seems like a huge issue right now, but when you turn your focus back onto yourself, you will see that although it may take work and be hard, it is possible and actually wonderful.
So, yes, you two may not be good for each other in this time and place. But there is a future that neither one of you can see. I hope that you know your future, your child's future rests in YOUR hands. It is a process CoDe we do not just stop loving. Our patterns and addictions do not just go away. It takes time and work but you have 2 great reasons to begin this work: Yourself and your child. When I couldn't do it for myself, I did it for my kids.
yep, its painful but I came to that realization also and as the great man said: THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE. I would rather live in the truth. It feels so much more grounded. I do not need to pretend, worry, anything at all but BE MYSELF. Hugs, J.
I think the three C's often. I did not cause anyone to drink ever!
What a liberation. Certainly I had many many many issues. I don't doubt I was incredibly difficult to live with. I also now I did notd drink in front of him.
Ithink i always wanted to shoulder the blame as a way to control it. The fact is I could not anymore control it than I could cure it. Certainly I have issues, many of which I work on daily. Nevertheless I absolutely have to pass the parcel on that I caused anyone to be an addict, they did that on their own.
Do I have issues, bucket and bucket of them. I to work on all of them.
I really do not think that we are that powerful; we cannot make anyone worse and we cannot make anyone better...people do what people do. If they make a decision or react or do or do not do something, its because its their choice. No one can take anyone down. No one can pick anyone up. Hugs, J.
