The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Please forgive me for going into self-preservation mode right now. It has been really tough of late and I have been thinking a lot about choices.
Whether they be good or bad, and how I have made the choices, the most important thing to realise about choices is that each choice carries a consequence.
It would appear that in the past I have made some pretty rubbish choices and I have therefore had to work through some pretty rubbish consequences.
This is why I feel that I have to work a lot more on making my choices; furthermore I have been asking myself if I can actually identify the consequences of making a particular choice or not.
If the answer is no I cannot see the consequences of this choice I have been making myself think further before making the decision.
I know that it is not always easy to determine the best choice to make, however since my last posting I feel that I need to address my decision making skills further.
Sometimes, I have had to make a choice between two difficult options and that may not always mean that I feel that I am making a good choice either way...other times I feel that I can see that there is one good choice and one bad choice and in that case it is easier to make the decision.
I have lived through some really bad times, and yet here I am, still standing and still trying to make the best of things no matter what the consequences have been...however, as I begin to examine my decision making maxims I feel that I may yet bring about a future that I am happy to live with.
The best thing that I feel that I have done this time though is hone my skill of coping better.
Baby steps, yes that sure is the way to go and the way I am advancing.
In the meantime, I am going to continue to remember to breathe, think, take my time and not be rushed into making a choice at someone elses' demand...the consequence of that is that I might not see the consequences that I will have to live with.
I know there are two sayings here that are equally valid in their own right;
Act in haste repent at leisure
He who hesitates is lost.
Well, that is all well and good, however when it comes down to it some choices need extra time to consider the consequences, whilst others Do require one to act quickly.
Okay, I can live with that too...however I think that I have not always evalued each choice in that way either, and as a result I have made bad choices there too.
So, it seems that making choices, can sometimes feel like one is in a minefield, I feel that more caution and looking for the consequences and understanding these would really be a better way forward for me at this time.
As far as my daughter is concerned, I am not going to be rushed, I am not going to be goded and I am going to release the responsibility that is hers to her and not carry it as my load.
I am going to protect myself more and think about me and my programme and my health first not that I 'owe' her anything any more. I have paid my debt to her, I have paid for my mistakes over and over again, I had done the best I could all my life with what I have had, and if she is not satisfied with any of this then I am not going to pick up another guilt trip...enough is enough.Her father is an alcoholic, and he was violent and he is a bully. She has turned into a bully too, much to my own distress. I do not like her, however I do love her and always will.
She has problems that she needs to address, and as long as she is NOT addressing them I see no improvement in her life and that of her children and I am no longer prepared to be blamed for this situation. I will only be responsible for me, my actions, and my decisions and the way I choose to live, respond and love.
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I think its about boundaries. I like the analogy of the hedge. They should be able to see through but up there. I need to trim my boundaries periodically. There are certain people I avoid totally. There are others who I have to deal with. How I deal with them evolves over time. I think we evolve over time. I know with the ex A he did the demand demand demand mantra with me. Then he would do the ignore me mantra which set off my abandonment issues. I grow better at observing.
I am far far better now after a couple of years of al anon under my belt at looking and and being aware of who I want to deal with and how. I appreciate that means I do not pursue lots of relationships I did in the past. I don't either have a brick wall or an open book anyway. I have boundaries that are flexible.
I do the best I can that's good enough for me now. I did not know before and I cannot fault myself for not having good boundaries. Boundary making, keeping maintaining is serious work. I did not have the tools to do that before. I do now. I do better now.
