The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many years ago, my oldest AD went into an adolescent treatment unit due to chronic rage issues and other behavior that had escalated. She had just graduated 8th grade.
We had family nights and family sessions, and at one point, I asked my parents if they would like to come for a family counseling session.
I had already been in recovery from my alcoholism/addiction for quite some time at that point, and realized it wasn't just oldest AD's problem, but a family problem, was well aware of many mistakes I had made in parenting, and had hoped to get some guidance for myself as well.
That was an hour of finger pointing by my parents, and it became so painful, I decided not to do that again.
I was also in therapy at the time, and my therapist and I got into a long discussion about scapegoats, and because I had been the black sheep of the family for so long, the bad one, that I will probably always be the convenient scapegoat of the family, even in recovery.
There will be long periods of time where things are okay, civil, between myself and my parents, but inevitably the disease pops up somewhere, usually with one of my daughter, and they go into toxic mode.
Now that I cut the ties with the car since Dad paid on it, wanted me to let youngest AD use it for work since she wrecked her car, but I was supposed to make sure she didn't use it for anything else, yada yada yada, now it's my fault.
I've effectively stepped out of that insane dance of codependency/enabling, and it's going on week 3 of a wrecked car sitting in my front yard, she's driving the Nissan all over, and now Dad is having to deal directly with her.
It's my fault he's stressed, if I just would have done what he asked, blah blah blah blah.
Never mind the fact that the Nissan is insured under their name, with me as the only driver (so they qualify for a multi-car discount), and they have lied by omission in not telling the insurance company there is a daughter living here which would raise the rate, regardless of whether she drives it or not.
Now he is dealing with the 20 year old AD who is dragging her feet on getting this all taken care of with the adjustor.
No, I don't buy any of this that it's my fault, not a bit. I am so proud of myself for finding the self-discipline in my online classes that I need, and am almost caught up despite the difficulties in getting my text books.
It's just one of those mornings that it stings to not have my parents proud of what I am doing for my life. This too shall pass.
Thanks for letting me get it out, and now on to the books!
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
(((((((((thks))))))))))) I know it's not quite the same, but...
(putting on Mother Hubbard frilly cap)
"Honey, I don't tell you this often enough, but I am SO PROUD of you! You've really done an amazing job of trying to help young "Julie" be responsible for herself. It's making your dad crazy dealing with her, but you know what, he's finally seeing what you've had to put up with.
"And I don't think I've said this, but I have thought it often: it is amazing to me that you are going back to school to get your degree. That takes a lot of courage, and a lot of hard work, and I'm so proud to have a daughter who is going for it. I love you, honey."
I know what you are saying THSKS. We here are all really proud of you and you know that. I know how nice it would be to hear it from that certain source but...well, you know!!! I just wanted to tell you that I totally understand, for me once in a blue moon, this little girl in me just wants her parents approval, support and love- unconditional love. I am lucky, I have an older sister who believes in me and that is the closest I am ever going to get coming from a blood relative! I am lucky- she is a real gem. My father is dead and my mom is close to death. HP loves me unconditionally and he sees me through and pats me on the back all the time. I know, you know, too!!! So glad to be on the recovery path with great people like you- hugs, J.
My parents are dead and have been for quite a few years now. I think I continued the pattern of scapegoating with the A. He had a mother who was one of the most self involved people I've ever met. I suffered a lot that she took no interest in me at all.
I am glad you are able to really embrace the three C's.
I think one of the issues I have in taking care of myself is being proud of me. I hold up these impossible standards for myself. I'm one year out from leaving the A, yes lots of things have not been accomplished but I have made it out. I did not believe I could for years (which is one of the reasons I stayed!). I am doing better. I can do even better that is what I have to hold up to. I've read a lot on that some of us who come from horrible backgrounds (I'm certainly in there) develop these merciless superego's. I think that's one of the reasons I looked to the A because I was so absolutely merciless with myself.
Not getting involved with other people's messes is so key. I work on being diplomatic and polite but I set huge huge lines these days. I had no lines before.
