The material presented
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Hi everyone! i've been reading through the posts and have nothing but praise for all of you for your support and loving words to those in need. I'm definitely one of those in need right now...
I've been married to my AH for 7 years and am just so tired and weary right now. When I met my AH he was in recovery for about 3 years and attending AA religiously. That lasted for the first two years of our relationship. He was then offered a job in another state and had to leave 9 months before we got married. That's when he started using again. I would get horrible phone calls from him when he was drunk, but I was naive and young and never really knew any alcoholics. Yes the warning bells went off in my head, but I loved him and always believed that he would be better once we got married and were together again.
Well, right after we got married and finally moved in together, he was drinking a case a night and ranting and raving and behaving psychotically. But he always blamed his behavior on us being far from home and in a state that he hated. Then he would get better for a while and go to meetings, but inevitably he would stop going and blame the people in the rooms for being stupid and gossipy and making him not want to be there, etc. It was always someone else's fault.
To make a very long story short, I've left him twice, the last time being 2 years ago and returned when he got better. The last time he was in recovery for a good year before it fell apart.
I am at my wits end. We have a 3 year old daughter and I don't want her to grow up with the fighting and craziness anymore. Right now he is sober for a couple of weeks then drinks. He says that he goes to meetings sometimes but I don't believe him. I can't talk to him about it because he becomes defensive and shuts down. Earlier this year he got a DUI which almost cost him his job. I thought that maybe that would be bottom for him, but no, no it wasn't.
I live in constant fear that he is going to drink. I try not to go out without him because I'm afraid that he'll drink while I'm out and I'll come home to the insanity. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop and have a really hard time enjoying life. I can be having a wonderful day and then I'll smell beer on him and spiral downward. I've even become somewhat of a detective, checking bank records, etc. to see what he spends money on and when I find something bad I feel twice as bad because I can't confront him because it leads to a fight.
My AH when sober is a wonderful man. That's what keeps me with him - totally Jekyll and Hyde. But lately I feel like life would be sooooooooo much easier without him and wish he would just go away. And on top of everything his Afamily wants me to keep them in the loop with if he's drinking, if he's going to meetings, etc. I can't take dealing with him as well as them.
Anyway, I've been through threrapy, etc. but not to Alanon and the reason I'm here was to see if this would be something that could help deal better with this as I am starting to hate who I'm becoming.
Anyway, any help would be appreciated because I am holding on by a thread. Sorry for the long post. Thanks so much for listening to me...
Kary, Thank you for your post. Our stories are very much alike. Except I don't have any children. I went to therapy for years, but am new to alanon. About 2 months new. Keep coming back, keep posting and come to the online meetings. This site has been my breath of fresh air. I came running to alanon thinking I would find out all kinds of solutions to fix my Alcholic Husband. Instead, I found a place that would help me put my pieces back together. This place has given me the tools and slogans and litature and friends that have given me the strength and know how to get off of the roller coaster. It is his disease, but my choice to loose my mind. I too used to check his bank records, cell phone bill and so on. It only made me twice as nuts. I too hated myself. But not today, not anymore...I am learning, loving and living life to its fullest.
Tonya, thank you so much for your reply. It's nice to know that I'm not alone even when it feels like it. I plan on the online meeting and I want to go to a local one as well. It's encouraging to know that it's helping you to live your life That's what I desperately want to do - live life and not end up bitter.
Just a quick note before I go to bed I was in therapy for many years which made me aware of things. I have been in al anon for one year and have learned tools to use to take action. I have made much more progress with al anon tools than just becoming aware and accepting of what I have been through, what is going on etc. from therapy. Both can help but can't say enough about al anon.
keep coming back
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Aloha Kary...Seems you've been reading my diary. I was wondering where that went. Your story is so similar to mine and lots of others I have heard over the past 29+ years in the program. Same disease different names and genders and similar results. It is the similarities that keep us together and learning from each other. You might be soooo ready for some change in your life and I don't mean a different or new alcoholic but a different and new Kary and you can do that in the program. He may continue to drink or binge or start/stop or blame and justify or whatever; it doesn't matter. Those are the things he does to justify his drinking. You don't need him to justify your misery either. You can take care of that with us in face to face meetings in your area. There is a chair waiting for you at the next meeting with lots of literature and much experience strength and hope that you can use to help get yourself out of your depressing situation. I can call it a depressing situation because that is what my own counselor and I saw it as also. I couldn't find my way out of it because others had solutions that worked that I had no idea existed and so I went to my first meeting and stayed until now.
Tonight the meeting secretary did the meeting with a puzzle that we were to find highlighted word that were pertinent to the program and then we could share on a word we circled. Well one of the words I found wasn't in the list of words to be found and I shared on it anyway...JOY. That is one of the gifts of this program for me...JOY!! Go to meetings, keep an open mind and expect changes as you practice the program.
As Kim mention in an earlier post today, "If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."
Hi, and welcome, You are definitely in the right place. I was where you are not that long ago. I dont have any children with my A, and in that only, we are different. My A joined the Army 6 1/2 yrs ago. I believe it was either that or go to jail. I knew he was not allowed to drink while in boot camp and training, and thought that he would realize how much better his life was without the drinking. I was wrong. Some of the things that I have learned here are so simple, so basic, that they were so hard to see before. A's are gonna do what they're gonna do whether we like it, beg for them to stop, play the detective, heck, I could give Columbo a run for his money! I read posts here for a long time before I got up the strength to post for myself. I am sooo glad I have found this wonderful family. In a few short months, I have learned that I have choices too! I have learned how to take myself out of his disease and am learning to put myself back into MY life. It's not always easy, and do admit to falling into old behaviors here and there, but now I am more aware of this and will quickly change my direction before it takes over. Keep coming back....you are not alone. I just read a great book that canadianguy is offering, its called "Getting them Sober'. It has now become my new "bible" and though I raced through it in a day, it is on my bedside table as something tangible to hang on to in my times of doubt. I highly recommend it. Start by taking care of you and your beautiful child...and keep taking care of you always! seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Detaching helps, really really helps. I find it take practice lots of it. I don't have to hold to any mandates any more like I used to. I have to say its been a long long journey for me. I do much much better today than I did in the past. I use every tool of al anon I can use. That also helps. Learn as many tools as you can, apply them, keep applying them. Keep working on yourself. Do the steps too. Maresie.
Thank you all so much for replying and all the kind words. I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow. I'm going to try really hard to learn what I can from everyone and use all the tools successfully. You guys have made taking this step a lot easier. I'm so grateful that I found my way here!
You didn't cause, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you are definitely in the right place. I really like the GEtting Them Sober books. They explain alot.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and just a touch of humor (good for the ).
I found Alanon about a year later after my hubby got out of rehab and then relapsed. I wished I had found it sooner. Alanon was a life saver to me. I lost him last month, but he died sober. He was a chronic relapser. It's a tough battle for addicts. I know the insanity and chaos. We all do. I also know the serenity Alanon brings, regardless if the A is sober or not. That's the beauty of this program. The always comes out, no matter how grey the skies.
Here's the thing: my Tim was the sweetest man on the face of the earth. He had the kindest heart and the most amazing laugh you would ever hear. When he drank, he wasn't bad, but he wasn't great either. Just because you love him, doesn't mean that you want to live the life you're living.
Recovery is about taking back your life, and living the life you so richly deserve. Recovery for you is absolutely possible. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or no. There's nothing you can do about it. Leave his recovery up to him. Concentrate on yours.
Please keep coming back. Learn as much as you can about his disease and "ours". Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
That's what I desperately want to do - live life and not end up bitter.
). 
always comes out, no matter how grey the skies.