Who's fault is it anyway?? - Al-Anon Family Group

olg1213 · Member

Who's fault is it anyway??

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

No one knows why the fun booze stuff turns to alcohlism olg , it's progressive and it is a disease when they think they loose the power of choice when alcohol runs thier life nothing else matters except the next drink . It is the people that love them that don't allow them to take responsibility for thier actions , we lie for them , make excuses for crappy behavior , we believe the lies we pay thier bills and take on the shame of thier disease and as we continue to do for them what they should be doing for themselves . Until we stop doing those things nothing will ever change , nothing changes til Someone changes. If the alcoholic is serous about recovery they do change and the blaming stops as they begin to grow up . it takes time . take the *me * out of blame and u have bla bla bla . that works for me . Thank you for posting here today and hope u continue to do so and if your not already attending Al-Anon meetings f2f i hope u will do so in the near future . Louise

SLS · Senior Member

I don't think that any A who is in recovery (true recovery) would deny that he/she is responsible for his/her actions. Alcoholism is not a "get out of jail free card" (no pun intended)--if it was, the Steps would not include making amends to others.

My other thought is, once the A is in recovery, it is not our job to take his/her inventory. I keep the focus on me and how I am practicing all of the principles of the program in my daily life. I try very hard not to focus on what my AH is doing or how he is doing it. I am not in charge of him or his recovery. Unless the behavior directly affects me, it is really "none of my business."

Finally, the great debate of choice vs. disease can become all-consuming, especially when we want to assign blame in the neverending effort to reason things out so that everything makes sense. That is why I chose not to engage in the debate or expend a lot of energy on it. It doesn't change anything. It is what it is. All I can change or control is myself--How do I respond to alcoholic behavior? What boundaries do I set? Do I enforce those boundaries? Do I say what I mean and mean what I say when dealing with my A?

Yours in recovery,

SLS

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know that I can go that general anymore. Whatever anyone does if they are an adult generally they are responsible. I have an allergy to shellfish so I have to be careful what I eat, means reading the labels. If I don't read the label I suffer. I can't "blame" anyone for that.

Reading a book like Getting them Sober might give you a general overview of alcoholism. I think the issue is I'm responsible for my feelings and what I do with them. I no longer permit anyone else to dictate that to me. Do I have an easy life? Far from it but its a million miles better than without recovery.

Maresie.

stormie · Senior Member

Olga,

I can sympathize with you. Part of my journey included trying to figure out the question you pose, such as who is to blame. I know of the frustration you must be experiencing. I can sense your pain.

From my experineces, I have given up figuring out who to blame, and choose to direct my energy towards making decisions that are right for me.

You ask if A's have a choice or not. What if the A in your life does have a choice? What then? What if the A in your life doesn't have the choice? Once I asked myself the questions and found "my" answers, I stopped asking and debating the question: Is it a choice or not?

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

I've found that trying to place blame was an exercise in frustration. It wasn't a part of the solution for me in my life.

I got much better results by working a program for myself and cleaning my side of the street. smile

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

"I've found that trying to place blame was an exercise in frustration. It wasn't a part of the solution for me in my life.

I got much better results by working a program for myself and cleaning my side of the street."

Word for word what I was gonna say - you're pretty smart, Tenderheartsks!

Tenderheartsks · ~*Service Worker*~

lin0606 wrote:

"I've found that trying to place blame was an exercise in frustration. It wasn't a part of the solution for me in my life.

I got much better results by working a program for myself and cleaning my side of the street."

Word for word what I was gonna say - you're pretty smart, Tenderheartsks!

Some days I am sharp as a marble, I tell you! biggrin

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Shame and blame are a sad hallmark of our culture. We are a litigious lot. Especially americans. I would encourage you to look very carefully at your decision/need/impulse to blame. How does blame really work? Does it alleviate anything, really? I have found for me, blame takes the focus off of me and places it onto other people/entities. It keeps me locked into the role of the victim and feeling victimized. It simply does not solve anything at all but I know, it sure feels good, doesn't it??!! : ) It feels really good to point at someone else. It allows us to hide and escape and places full responsibility on someone else. It erases all of our responsibility for ourselves.

"see what you made me do"
"because you lost the lid, now I need to go out and buy a new one and spend money I do not have"
"if you were around to help, I would never have hurt my back"
etc. etc. etc. all shame and blame and really toxic

I have lived in communities of people where blame/shame was not used. it was a huge revelation.

Stuff happens. I began to see that blame is completely and thoroughly useless for me. Stuff happens, that is all there is to it. To try to pin it to someone or something has become meaningless for me and I no longer do it. Phrases like: "holding you accountable", "being responsible for your deeds", etc. all that stuff pretty much means nothing to me anymore. We all make choices. Stuff happens. We gain awareness through mistakes or not, over and over and over and over again. Blaming just creates hate, fuels resentments and war and violence, etc. OK, end of my sermon, take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs, J.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me it was a waste of time playing the blame game. My husband had a disease. He had choices on how to "manage it", get sober or not. However, unlike diabetes, most diabetics I know don't have their brain saying to them: EAT SUGAR. Does that make sense. I don't believe for 1 minute that my husband WANTED to drink. He died sober. But he struggled every day of his life to fight off his demons. He had a chemical inbalance in his brain. He suffered from super anxiety, spinning thoughts, lack of sleep, all types of physical pain from his foot surgeries (he was born with club feet), arthritis, etc. This poor man suffered every day of his life. Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, I'm not sure that if I were him, I wouldn't have drank. Did he beat himself up when he drank? You bet he did. He didn't need me doing the same thing to him. Now he always knew that if he got into legal trouble because of his drinking, it was his responsibility to fix it. I didn't enable him. I was no less proud of him when he drank than we he didn't. I loved the man, not the disease.

Frankly I admire all addicts who have the courage and the strength to get sober and stay that way. But I don't feel less about the poor souls that can't. I hope and pray that they all find their way to sobriety. Because deep down in my soul, I know that if I was an addict, I wouldn't have the strength to find my way out of it. I just couldn't do it.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

SLS · Senior Member

When I find myself struggling with compassion for my AH (or any A for that matter), I go to an open AA meeting. I will never forget sitting in the back of my first AA meeting and listening to folks who "kept coming back," who were thankful that they had 1 day or 2 days sober again, and who were grateful that they could keep coming back. It resolved the question of "choice" for me.

I do not believe that any in their right mind chooses the devastation, humiliation and ruination caused by alcoholism, which is why it is oftentimes described as being an allergy of the body and a disease of the mind. This is consistent with what I once heard an A say: While telling his story, the A explained that he didn't have a drinking problem (although he said he could get one real quick)--what he really had was a thinking problem. He joked that despite having 15 years sober, upon hearing that Guinness was putting out a lite beer, his first thought was that he should go on a diet. Funny, but sad, and I think illustrative of the curious dynamic of alcoholism.

Yours in recovery,

SLS

lilms · Senior Member

I don't think it matters in relation to our own journey. I have not yet answered that question for myself, do they choose it or do they not. I constantly waver.

No matter what the answer is I still have my life to live and have to find the best one possible. I am responsible only for my actions.

I do believe that the consequences of their actions are theirs and I will not lie, cover up or put up.

I was at a funeral in May of a bright, gregarious, charming and caring 31 year old girl. Unfortunately the disease won and she paid the ultimate cost. I knew this girl and saw her struggle. This IS NOT what she wanted for her life yet she kept going back.

We do not know what is inside anothers head that drives them.

All this being said, my job is still to keep myself responsible and let the responsibilty for the alcoholics actions lie with them.

With much caring,
lilms

liljeannie · Senior Member

I spent a lot of time trying to place blame. I agree with those who say it is a disease, and I also agree with those who say it is a choice. I know in my situation my A has told me that he likes being drunk, its fun and that he doesnt have to feel anything, he becomes numb when he's drunk.
I think that the choice begins when they first begin to use, and from what I am learning, most addicts use to at least temporarily feel good about themselves. If they like the way they feel, they will do it again and again until they dont know how to live without it. I guess thats where the disease part kicks in. Maybe its like their own private island, where they dont have to face reality and after so long, they dont have the choice, ...they have destroyed so much in their lives and much of that they can not repair, so why not keep doing what they are doing. I dont know if alcohol is an actual physical addiction or a mental addiction.
Playing the blame game has gotten me nowhere in the past, though I have tried very hard to play it and win. It simply doesnt matter, it is what it is and finding and placing blame isnt going to change it in any way.
I am learning so much more about me and who I want to be that I dont have time to point fingers, I just deal with the facts and live my life. I dont want to waste any more of MY life trying to figure out why HIS life is the way it is.
seeking peace,
jeannie

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