The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sweet younger sister has a saying about our family which is, "remember when we were all so happy, back in 1994". It's kinda funny, but oh so true. That was the time when we (brothers and sisters) were all just out of college, getting married, first real jobs, having little kids. Yeah, they were good times, and then life happened....
Growing up, my family was blended. My cousin and her husband took legal guardianship of me and my brother and two sisters after my parents died of cancer over a 4 yr period, adding us to her two boys, and eventually a third. We were aged 7, 8, 9, 11,12 and 13. My poor cousin at the age of 34, suddenly had 6 kids (then an accidental #7 following a tubiligation). It was chaotic and there was no time for grief or emotions. We needed to function and move on, and we did.
Here is the thing. We were loved in that we were provided for. Food, clothing, shelter, safety, education. 7 kids, 7 college degrees. However, we were not emotionally cared for, and physical affection, compassion and empathy were completely absent. We were told how not to feel, and were never cuddled, held or hugged. Guilt was the way we were controlled. Now, as we are all up in our years, I am seeing the fallout of the way we were raised. I don't blame anyone, for my cousins did the very best they could under the circumstances. It is what it is, and the past can't be changed. But, I am acknowledging this here because I can see how my life, as well as those of my biological siblings, have been tragically affected.
In the departments of grief and emotional baggage, I don't believe that "time heals all wounds". As a matter of fact, I think they just fester to the point where the infection has no where to go but onto those around you. Al-anon and individual counseling is bringing me to clarity in this area. Twice now, counselors (mine and my kids) have mentioned that I have "attachment" issues due to my traumatic childhood. This is true, and I know it, and as damaging as it was to my marriage and is to my children, it seems to be just a part of me. Both the counselors don't seem to think it has to be that way, and have indicated I just must "fake it til I make it". They both have expressed confidence and hope that things can be different and better.
Now, this is where Al-anon comes in - I must depend on a power greater than myself to help me, because this defect of character is so very great, I KNOW I cannot conquer it on my own. I get that now! So, I've been praying about it. I have to change myself and save my kids from the emotional demons I've carried with me. I've been praying and aware, and the last few days with the kids have been actually been pretty good. I've had to move beyond my comfort zone to stay patient, listen, kiss, hug, give affirmation, sympathy, empathy and compassion.
My precious kids deserve way more than they've been getting. My AH deserved way more too. I can clearly see now that I have been giving them what was given to me, and I can't defend it. It's not working for me anymore. I've given love in the basic protective sense, but not of my whole emotional being. I am only in the beginning stages of conscious awareness. I know I can't change things overnight, nor expect my kids to, and I also know I can no longer beat myself up about it. Each day I get the chance to start again, so I can only do my best to make it better.
Thanks for being here to talk this out. Growing up I kept my whole childhood a secret, never even discussing my parents' deaths with my best friends. That wasn't healthy. By opening up myself to learn, change and grow, I am hoping to accomplish two things - first and foremost, I want my children to grow up healthy and happy and to love themselves enough so that they can freely love others in return. But also, it is for me. If I am fortunate enough to one day be in another relationship, I want it to be completely different than what I had. I absolutely do not absolve my AH of his addictive behaviors or poor choices, but I clearly see my contribution. I think true serenity is still a pretty long way off, but today I can say that I can imagine it on the horizon, and that, my friends, is a miracle.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 02:04, 2008-08-27
-- Edited by Loupiness at 02:06, 2008-08-27
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I have a similar childhood experience with my family of origin. Everyone did their best, indeed. I am grateful that Higher Power provides the opportunities to grow. Some of us choose it, some won't, like your husband and my alcoholic siblings.
I agree with what you said, that "time does not heal all wounds." It reminds me of "God does not give us more than we can handle." That is ONLY true if we stay connected to God. As I practice the program, I am learning that without my Higher Power, I am nothing.
You and your family are going to be just fine because you seem to know this too. Many blessings!
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
(((((((((((lou))))))))))), I was really moved by your post. You've been doing so much hard work on all of this, and this really feels to me like turning a corner. Well done.
I'm sorry about your childhood. It must have been so difficult to lose both parents at a young age and within a short period of time and no adult to help you process your feelings. As the majority do, your guardians did the best they could at the time. I don't sense any blaming on your part or claims of victimization, even though I think young children (excluding adults) can be victims.
I'm certain you will continually grow and embrace new behaviors that fit your needs. Not only you and you immediate family members will benefit, the world at large will, too. I think our actions have a rippling. When we are loving and caring to one person, that person is liking to pass on those gifts to someone else, who is likely to do the same. So the ripple can go on forever.
I, too, don't believe that time necessarily heals. From my observation and experiences, it is what one does with the time that can bring about healing.
I hope you can continue to be patient and gentle with yourself as you awaken more and take risks by showing your family your vunerable side. I know it isn't easy. I speak from experience.
Well I have to start with me. I start with working on how to take care of me today and how. Emotional support is a huge one! I can understand you feel that you have not given others "enough" but you also have yourself and can start with today. Certainly some of us have very very very difficult childhoods. There are ways to work through that, tons of books on the subject. There is also today and learning to take care of ourselves better. I can be the caregiver for everyone BUT me. That has to change and change it has.
I do know for me personally finding the right resources is so so key. I also think that I have to really put a huge emphasis on not being around people who need me to caretake them in any way. I have to really work on not doing that because that is my norm.
Certainly I can focus on that I lacked certain things in a relationship, at the same time I certainly feel, even with my tremendous limitations I gave more. I tried more, I was "willing" more. The A wasn't. That is the bottom line for me. I am only responsible for 50% of a relationship. He let me down on every level, be it physical, be it being there, be it financial, be it emotional, be it logistical he did not hold up his end at all. Certainly there were tremendous flaws in me and my issues and how I responded to his alcoholism. At the same time he had umpteen opportunities to recover and seek help, he took none of them, nada.
I have to "balance' looking at my issues (I certainly have them) and my defecits and be aware no matter how "great" I was the alcoholic was still going to drink and no matter how recovered I am he still drinks. So I have to really bear that in mind when I look at whatever part I played in the demise of the relationship.
