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Hi, I am new here. I have been with my AH for a year and a half. Previously, for twenty years, I was married to an abusive individual. I had to work my escape extremely carefully due to the ex-h's position in the community. Once I got away, I never looked back. I went to therapy, reworked my life and was happy. My children were happy. I had no clue my life was going to end up like this.
I met my AH through work, we ended up working on the same project. We got to be friends, then we started dating - I never saw him drink other than one or two beers in a social setting. I knew that he had a whopping case of PTSD, he's a Veteran who spent time in combat in not only the Persian Gulf but police situations in Panama and Haiti. I knew that he took medications for this situation to deal with the anxiety and the nightmares. I didn't have a problem with that. Still don't. What I have a problem with is that after we got married he started drinking - a lot. I'm not sure when I realized that this wasn't new, he'd just hid it well before. He is gainfully employed, he IS responsible...until the weekends when doesn't HAVE to be hostage to work. Then he drinks to the point where we've literally been held hostage by his ranting and raving. My children, who are teenagers and always thought he was a great guy, are to the point now where they're getting scared of him. And I'm getting sick of the verbal abuse - I'm tired of being called fat and ugly and stupid, I could have stayed with my exhusband for that type of behavior.
I left before. I was in a position to leave before, I just had to work it carefully. I no longer have those outlets or that type of money. (I'm sorry, but I don't buy the whole "it's your choice whether you stay or go" routine - if a woman has the money and a place to leave an abusive situation, she'll go, not until). The sad thing is, when he's sober, AH is one of the best guys around, he'll give you the shirt off his back and try to help you any way he can. When he drinks he's not somebody I even know.
Over time, I found out from one of his cousins, that right after he got out of the army he drank extremely hard for several years, basically using alcohol to self medicate. He got on the wagon and stayed there for the next few years and then, of all people, his boss got him to fall off the wagon but demanding that he have drinks with him and a client. At the time, AH didn't want to lose his job so he had a drink and I guess the rest is history. He's been off the wagon ever since and has this weird ability to hold it together so people have no clue. Some of our mutual friends didn't even know he was an A until I told them.
Thankfully, he doesnt' drive when drunk and I won't let him. Instead he stays at home and gets drunker and drunker while listening to stupid music on the internet or until he loses his temper. Today he lost his temper and I admit, I lost it right back. I literally threw things. Right now he is asleep. He has to go to work at midnight. Right now, I want to go into the bedroom and take the baseball bat to him I'm so furious. Considering he's twice my size it'd probably end up with me dead so I'm not going to give in to the urge but I certainly feel like it. I worked my rear off to rebuild my life and this is what I have in the end. I'm freaking 42 and living with a crazy person, no savings, no family anywhere near close, no friends that would be of any assistance and I'm extremely angry that this is how my life has ended up. I never thought it was possible to love somebody and hate them just as much at the same time.
I know that feeling of absolute rage and hate. I know the feeling of just wanting to kill him. And I know that others here have also. When it gets that bad, it is scary.
As far as leaving goes, if you feel that you are going to harm him or he is going to harm you then get out. Go to a DV shelter, call in every favor you can and leave. Nothing and no one is worth losing YOUR life over. Ever. You did it once, you can do it again.
just keep comming back. If you are confused or don't know what to do next, you don't have to do anything. But stay safe.
OTE, I totally know how that feels. I know that rage and wanting to take the baseball bat to someone twice your size. I am really sorry you are in Monster Mode (this is what I called it). For me, I needed to get away or else I was going to end up in prison. For a brief time I actually thought that was the best way to solve my problem- end up in jail for murder. Thankfully, I got away and never looked back. I just want you to know that I understand that horrible feeling. I understand the verbal abuse and how crazy it can get. Over and over, its so horrible, the negativity, the blaming, its so dehumanizing. Its so deeply offensive in such a personal way. I just want you to know I understand and hope you keep coming back here- hugs, J.
Thanks. I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point. He has a meeting with his VA Psych. on Tuesday. She'll chew him a new one over today and his drinking and he'll be on his best behavior for the next few weeks. There seems to be a pattern now. *sigh* It would seem I traded one crazy person - and my ex truly WAS crazy, he threatened to kill me and almost succeeded more than once, for a totally different type of crazy.
From what I've been reading here, it never gets better, does it? The only answer is to leave which makes me very sad because when he's sober he's a wonderful person. I just can't handle the other guy he becomes when he drinks and I shouldn't have to.
The VA counselor says that he's what she refers to as a "combat alcoholic". He drinks to "help" his medication. It quells the anxiety and slows his thought processes. It's not a good thing and it's a cycle that's almost impossible to break. That wasn't a very encouraging thing to hear. It's a cross between frustrating and saddening because I love this man and I truly don't want to leave him but there's no way to help him get sober. He's the only one who can do that and he's just not willing to.
Thanks for the kind words, it's good to know there's some place I can come and talk to people who understand.
I just wanted to let you know that some A's do get better. There's always hope. Mine broke a 25 yr pattern and has been sober over 2 yrs. Also, this isn't how your life ended up. It's about to change. You've come to Alanon and that's all about new beginnings.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
From what I've been reading here, it never gets better, does it? The only answer is to leave which makes me very sad because when he's sober he's a wonderful person. I just can't handle the other guy he becomes when he drinks and I shouldn't have to.
OverTheEdge:
I lived with my AH for 33 years before things took a postive turn. Like your husband, he was a nice guy when not drunk, helpful to me and others, and until the last two or three years prior to rehab, many didn't know he was an A. As the years progressed he became very verbally abusive (he had been a quiet drunk before that; he'd come home from work, drink in the garage and then go to bed early). He also turned into someone I didn't know; it was scary. I was concerned that the verbal abuse would turn into physical abuse if I didn't do something. Unlike your husband, he often drove drunk and got a DUI in '04 and came close to losing his job.
Our children are young adults now, and I had a decent paying job. So, it wasn't so difficult to separate with him. I did so last July '07. I had to do it secretly, because I feared he'd harm me and himself (I mean commit homicide and suicide). It had gotten that bad. At first, I would not let him know where my apartment was.
Within a month of our separation, he'd had a breakdown at work. He first had to go into detox, for he shook violently (withdrawals). He then went into a 30-day rehab facility.
I have to be quite honest and say that I had literally NO hope of him recovering. I thought he had gone to rehab for "show." I thought he was trying to make it appear that he was going to be fine and appear to stop drinking. Fortunately, he has proved me wrong so far.
I'm back home with him. It was hard at first to return, for I didn't trust him and he knew that. It was bumpy at first, and can get a little bumpy now and then. However, it is relatively easy to work through the bumps with him now that he is sober.
I want to give you hope that your life hasn't ended and that you have the power to make positive changes; however, I don't want to give you false hope by any means in terms of your husband's recovery. Ever situation is different. I don't know what is right for you and your children. I know that our children were greatly effected by their dad's drinking. Just the other day, our 31-year-old son told me that he was so angry during his teen years, but didn't know why. I'm certain the chaos caused by my husband's drinking and my responses contributed a lot to his anger. Our other son, who is 32, moved out when he was 17. He hadn's even graduated from high school year. Both sons seem well-adjusted now. They hold down good jobs, college educated and all that. They have good friendships and have kind hearts. But I do wonder what resentment and pain they harbor deep down inside. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have left while they were young. Somehow, some way. I felt trap back them, and to some degree, in denial. But I believe that I could have done something constructive way back then. But I didn't and have to accept that.
Don't sit in silence. Reach out. You've reached out to others on this board. That is a start. Have you read any literature on alcoholism? Educating myself on alcoholism really helped me to move forward; it helped me make the right decision for me. I had individually counseling, too.
Have hope that you will find your way. It isn't easy. But it's feasible, one step at a time.
Thank you everybody - sorry it took me so long to respond, work has a tendency to totally screw up my schedule some days. You've all helped a lot. I was feeling quite horrible on Sunday, coming here helped clear my head. I'm glad I found this place. It's hard to find the right words to describe how this situation is affecting both my children and myself. Considering words are my business, that's extremely frustrating.
Also check out al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm for a link to your state's or country's website with meeting lists. At a meeting you can pick up a free newcomer packet, with more good words.
I love words too, and it just SLAYED me when I first came to alanon that all the words were English but I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!!! It's really a different way of looking at the world - and it helps. Keep coming back - it kinda starts sinking in, and YOU will feel better.
Well I can certainly relate to being stuck. I was there for a long long time. I know what it is to have no savings to be dependent, to be stuck with someone who looks "okay well more than okay to the rest of the world" who acts out in various ways. I certainly also did cartwheels when someone told me to "leave".
I do know this room saved me. I came here and poured it all out.
I don't actually ascribe to the issue of stay or leave. I think its pretty hard to do either. When I looked at my choices they were stay and suffer or leave and suffer. Neither seemed workable and I felt paralyzed.
I did come here though and I did let it out. I did ask for help and I got it.
These days I am making an art of asking for help. I try to get as much as I can. I'm in therapy. I was once with a therapist (albeit a student) who told me that I had to leave otherwise our work was 'stuck' talk about difficult. I can certainly acknowledge getting help is hard. There are so many blind alleys, so much frustration, so much difficulty.
Can you get the book that Canadian guy is offering above. Getting them Sober is so helpful. I think it really validates that all decisions are pretty hard when you are dealing with an alcoholic who is active.
This is a place to start. You can come here and learn some skills. You can make a start. You can learn to de-tach. You can learn things to do about your anger (which is valid of course of course its normal to be angry at someone who acts so destructively). Rather than have the anger swallow you up you can work with it. There are tremendous really useful tools in al anon that are so helpful in many areas of life.
I'm glad you are here. I have certainly been in many ways where you are. My life is not a bed of roses in fact is really very very difficult but I did use a lot of al anon tools and I continue to improve every single day.
