The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So the A called me Thursday night to see what I was doing this weekend. We ended up going out Friday night and both "used." Now I feel worthless and guilty and lonely and miss him all over again. It breaks my heart that I cannot seem to be able to be around him and not use with him. It breaks my heart that we are unhealthy for each other. It breaks my heart that I can't see him then detach. It breaks my heart that I cannot do what I say I am going to do. Tonight I feel ashamed and afraid and like God is mad at me. I am disappointed in myself and am not sure that I can even do better. I feel like I don't deserve to have you kind people to listen to me when I just keep doing the same thing over and over. I feel like I might be punished. I am worried that somehow I might mess up my job because of my addiction to him and drugs. Like they might even know what I did this weekend. I feel like I might mess up my kid. I feel like I might mess up my life. I feel weak and paranoid and sad and guilty. How can I keep saying I am starting over? How can I expect people to still care? How can I even believe myself? Thanks for letting me vent.
First of all CoDe, no one here will condem you. That's not what we are about. I would suggest that you get yourself to an AA meeting and start dealing with your addiction. But that is simply a suggestion. I make it because I believe it would help you.
I remember at one particularly low point in my life I offered to use crack with my ex to "prove" to him that I loved him more than the woman he was having an affair with. Gosh, that makes me sick just to remember that. Anyway, I tell you because although I didn't use with him, I was sick enough to think that was a way to get him to love me. I didn't know that I needed to love myself.
God is not mad at you. I do not believe that God works like that. I think God is crying along with you for the damage you are doing to yourself. God doesn't want you to suffer, or be sad or think bad about yourself. God loves you even when you don't love yourself.
People care, CoDe. Yes, you are definitly messing up your kid and your life. You are. I know that sounds harsh but you are. That's a reality. I think you know that. But there is help CoDe if and when you want it.
Scroll down and read my post "A Life on Autopilot" from a couple of days ago, its all about making mistakes.
How can you keep saying your starting over? You just do. Each of us starts over every single day of our lives. And in fact al-anon tells us we can start our day over anytime of any day that we want to. That's what we do.
We are not perfect, you are not perfect, neither am I.
People still care because we love you for what you are, an imperfect, beautiful child of God.
Do not be ashamed of yourself for making what you now see as a mistake. Learn from it.
The God of my understanding would not be mad at you. He would not be disappointed in you. He loves you as you are and wants only the best for you.
I heard it discribed perfectly this weekend at a conference I was at by an amazing AA speaker.
He said his God was the kind of higher power that if he walked into a room with the speaker and all the walls of the room were blackboards and on those blackboards was every bad thing the speaker had ever done the conversation would go like this:
God... "X, did you do all these things?"
Speaker... "Yes, God I am sad to say I did them, each and every one."
God... "Well X, try not to do these things anymore."
Wasn't your HP just giving you a chance to to see it for what it was? I have a similar problem in being a love addict with my AHsober. I struggle but I know that I make progress in spite of my slips. Work your program! You will only get esh here in Alanon.
You already got great replies, hon. I just wanted to give you big ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))) and lotsa love. You are doing the best you can.
Also, my HP is perfect at detachment. That's why my HP can watch me make a mess of my life of my own free will and not feel the need to punish me further. HP knowsI can hurt myself very well on my own when I don't listen to HP's guidance.
Just food for thought.
love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Nine years into my Al-Anon recovery I got my own chemical dependency assessment done and I took that to the head nurse on the Adult section of a recovery program I was counseling for. After 15 minutes she returned to me and said, "Who ever this assessment belongs to needs to be in inpatient recovery immediately or the next time they drink they die". I had not put my name on the top of the assessment in order to remain anonymous. When I told her (she had come into Al-Anon the same week I did) it was mine she replied, "Jerry F you've been around for a long time. You know what to do next." That Friday I went to my first AA meeting for me.
Code you've been around long enough that you know what to do next.
Call your local central office for the schedule for the meetings in your area and get there and introduce yourself. It isn't about him.
We don't change until we are sick and tired, until we hit bottom. We need to keep making the same mistakes until we truly (emotionally, not just in our heads) see that they are mistakes, and are willing to do what is needed to heal.
16 years ago, I had a small breakdown, when my daughter was born. I spent a few days in hospital, and was offered intense therapy. I remember looking in the eyes of the doctor I was talking to, and realizing that here was a hand outstretched, offering me release from the pain of being the codependent, sick, unhappy person I was. And I said, "If I get too healthy, I won't want him anymore" and turned them down.
We've all made mistakes, and we've made them over and over and over. This doesn't disqualify you for the miracle, in fact in a weird way it helps you find the miracle.
((((((((((CoDe)))))))))))) Remember it's not about willpower - it's about admitting that, in fact, you are powerless. Get yourself to that meeting while you're in this space in your head and heart. It's scary, but it's so worth it.
I lived 7 years with an A. I repeatedly came to this room with such entreaties and no one ever tired of me. They calmed me down, set me up, talked about skills and eventually I did start applying them. Stop beating yourself up.
Detaching is an art, you can do it. You have to practice.
I stopped drinking around the A I certainly still saw him for a long long time. I could not bear the idea of not seeing him yet found him increasingly toxic. One day at a time for six months now I have not spoken to him. I take it one day at a time. I do not plan on speaking to him or seeing him but I do it one day at a time.
Progress is slow for some of us. You are certainly worthy of recovery. How about getting a tool box. Get some resources, apply them, get more resources, keep at it.
It took me a long long time to get to the point where I saw that I was being selfish and depriving my children of what all children deserve. A loving, present parent who will do whatever needs to be done for them. I finally worked my booty off to get to a place of mental clarity with them and paying attention to what three kids are doing all the time. It's complicated when the school wants you to do something for each of them every night but what I realized is that I am perfectly capable and that me not doing it is just my own laziness. That was a big fat hard pill to swallow! All I can say is that you have recognition, that's the first step. They only get one childhood and if you're worried you may be screwing up your kid just imagine what you'll be dealing with when he's an adult. I try to think about it as an investment, whatever I slack on now will come back to bite me later on. Anyway, hope that helps in some way.
