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I am just starting my road to recovery, and feeling much better about life. I plan my first face to face meeting this evening, and am a little uneasy, but willing to let go of my fears, besides, I don't think it can get any worse, only better. I was wondering if anybody in our group has any experiences like mine. My husband who is my A, is a somewhat functioning binge drinker, has been his entire adult life. My question is the following: what are some of the ways for me to detach if he is his own boss, and makes the money in our home, my a is a major control freak aswell, but the thing is do I stop doing for him, the jobs like ironing shirts or organizing his home office, he is a major slob, in terms of paper work, but takes much pride in how he looks, and dresses, the only thing he is consistant with is a daily workout, of which he has done for over 25 years. I think it is the only reason why drinking has not killed him already. So, I would welcome any words about this. One thing I was told by my ex husband, who I might mention, is a recovering A, of 10 years) is ,your A, will not hit a financial bottem, but an emotional bottom, it kind of bothers and confuses me at the same time. Do I not help him with this stuff,his office is a good reminder of just how out of control his mind is :cluttered full of paperwork, my responsabilites are to take care of the household ,the children, his wardrobe, sex when he wishes,as I am not interested in having a smelly drunk slobering all over me, I did draw the line, he can not sleep in our bed, unless he is sober, so at least I am given a little peace I just close my eyes and think I am somewhere else because of the resentment of the illness). To look good and go to the salon hair nails perfect, bla bla bla, at this very moment my hair looks like I stuck my finger into a light socket,,, just don't feel like going to the salon, and I did not have my nails done,, simply because I did not want to, there I said it and boy does it feel good. So now my delima do I just let him fend for himself interms of clothes, office help filing and organization and all the remedial tasks expected of me, or do I just stop even if they are valid requests? I have come to realize just how sick this illnes has made me, and like someone said to me I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, that really hit the nail on the head. I need many many meetings and am willing to do the work. Leaving is not an option of which I am prepared to go through with at the moment, so instead of saying things like that, I confided with the family I have, my aunt, I finally told her what my life was like, she was very supportive and not judgemental. This gave me hope, and strength, that I could feel and share and it would not be held agaist me, she simply told me, I am here for you, and love you. Sorry it was such a long post, so glad to how found you guys, it makes it much better to face another day. Sincerely,Dorean
Good luck at your meeting tonight you are starting down a very positive place in your life.
I recommend reading "Codependent no more". It will help you to draw the correct line between helping and enabling.
When I started with alanon last July my hair was uncut for 3 years, I wore old wal-mart cclothes and could care less about myself.
The alanon program is about working on you, what YOU can control.
My husband is his own boss too, but over the last year has stopped working. I work outside the home so I have finacial leverage at least. I don't know what is to be done in your situation but with the help of alanon I am positive that you will figure it out
Welcome
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Wow! Your life sounds so much like mine!! I worked for and lived with my A for 5 years, and let myself be totally controlled by him. We were together day & night, 24/7/365 !! I hardly even saw my kids.
I wasn't in Alanon at the time, didn't really know much about it, and knew nothing about A's until I met him. He even had me place the computor where he could read every word on it. Last year, I finally rebelled, and didn't go to work one day so I could go shopping. I enjoyed it sooo much. My work was very, very hard, and I stood a lot of pain. It got so there was nothing I could do to get away from the pain, then, one day I didn't go to work because of the pain,I sure felt better!!
Just before Xmas last year, he got on a binge and he's so rotten & miserable when he's drinking. I left him and went home for 3 weeks. I missed him terribly, but did enjoy my independance. I went back, but I guess he saw I really was serious about not wanting to be with him when he's drinking, and realized he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We had had lots of break-ups, but I had always gone back, or went and picked him up when he was slowing down in drinking.
I still worked, but not as hard until the season was over. Once we were finished working, I told him what I was going to do with my summer, with or without him. He used to go to a cottage for a weeks-long binge every summer.Last summer, he didn't, and did what I wanted to do with me! He said it was the best summer we've ever had! He hasn't been on a big binge since that one before Xmas last year!
3 people that we know literally drank themselves to death in the past couple years. That may have helped our outcome some. Now, he'll have a couple beer in the evening and leave it at that. He absolutely wouldn't go to AA, and doesn't know I come here, but does see I have changed my attitude a lot. I absolutely refuse to be near him when he's had a few too many for my compfort. If I can't leave, I just act as if he isn't even here. I just ignore him, and it's pretty hard to argue with yourself, and you certainly won't run yourself down!! I go to sleep, and he has nothing to do, so he does too. I almost giggled the first time that happened!! It was funny!
Sometimes, I see he is struggling not to have a drink, and I just kinda hold my breath 'till I see he's ok.
It doesn't happen overnight, but with the help of the wonderful people here and your HP, you'll know what to do. My HP guided me here, I was sooo alone and desperate. I love this man so very, very much. When he's sober, he's my perfect mate. That's what always brought me back.
I started doing things I wanted, with or without him, and I am sooo much happier, and because I'm so much happier, he is too. He is living with me here in my home because I wouldn't leave again. I quit my job this year because I wasn't happy being away from my home,( I was married to military man before) so had lived as a gypsy most of my life.
I sat myself down one day, and asked myself what I really wanted out of life. It was to be here in my own home near my family. I don't have near as much money, but I do have Serenity! I paid off my house before I quit, and can make it on my own. I took it one baby step at a time, sometimes ended up taking a step or two backwards, but I am a much happier person thanks to the great help of my HP and Alanon. Sorry this is so long. I hope telling you my experience has helped you? All the best to you in your recovery. Keep coming back!! It works if you work it!!TLC
After reading the posts here its amazing what we all go through. My husband is an A what I would call functioning, depressed A. He is self employed and for many years I helped him in the office. Being fired on more than one occassion. It was a one girl office. anyhow... When my children were old enough I ventured out into the working world where there was real interaction with others. Wow I didn't realize how depressed I was. But I was finally able to get away from the control aspects of the A. THat was 8yrs. ago. I went through a very angry period. He would drink until he would either be nasty, pass out ..black out... but I was not as aware as I am today. One thing I new though I was angry and that anger was pent up for years. We seperated for about a year and half. I was too angry for counceling wasn't going to do anything. But I was depressed, angry, and slowly started doing things for me. I had money to buy clothes, get my nails done what a luxury. I started to care a bit more for Me. I was in therapy but after 2yrs of that I found the root was that I was angry about the drinking it always came back to that issue. But after being seperated I also found that I still loved DH. I did go to him and see if we could work it out. HE thought about it and we decided to do joint counceling with the councelor he had been seeing. Well she was aware of his drinking (don't know that she helped all that much) but we did get to a point that we were able to talk again.
He moved back in now for over 1 1/2 years for the most part I thought the drinking was under control. He had one bad incident last easter where he was out of control. I should have done an intervention but Fear gets in the way. My boys grown did not want to get involved. ANyway I am slowly realizing that there are times perhaps I contribute to the anger. By not being able to keep my mouth shut. I am learning that you can't make somebody love you. That A can't really love anybody when he doesn't love himself. But I am making baby steps. I have begun to do more of what is fullfilling in my life. I love to sing, I coach tennis, softball and I love being with kids. I have begun to make goals for my singing. I try to not allow the A to stifle the me that my God has created. I take things one day at a time. But it still hurts deep down. I will do my best to start attending on line meetings when I can. Maybe I will come out of denial that DH is A and get the courage to attend face to face meetings.
I just want to say that I am slowly detatching and that reading your posts here have been overwhelming and eyeopening for me. THank you for taking the time to read this book
I read your reply yesterday, and am soooo thankful that you took the time to write the words. I am very glad to have found this site, am greatful for your thoughts. Thank you again. It seems thatby working the program that Iam taking a few steps in my recovery that have made a major impact on my state of mind , better yet healthy thoughts and attitudes. I can totally understand your love for your A, as I am NOW able to put the whole sickness into prospective, and love him for the person he is and let go of my intense anger, not at him, but at the illness that is alcoholism. I am taking my life back, and am in control of myself. It feels pretty good too. I am learning what detachment is, it was so difficult for me to truly have compassion, not only for others but for myself. Live and let live, easy to say, but I prefer this then the ugly person who I had become. Once I started to care about myself and let go of my fears everything seemed to fall into place, never thought it could happen, but it did, by the grace of my higher power, and god. Life is good, it is what we make of it, we can make it sad, depressing, dark, fearful,and all of those other emotions, or we can make it hopeful, loving, simple, free, it was up to me. As soon as I came to terms with this, I was set free, and I am not willing to go back to that dark place anymore,,,, what a relief. Don't get me wrong, not all of the problems in life are solved, but,I am not perfect and life is not either . At least I know I can live and enjoy what life has to offer me, if I was open to help myself. One thing that has changed that I would like to share with you is that I am now getting my needs met and not allowing myself to be taken for granted. My A, is amazed at my recovery process, and is seeking help for himself,, without my urging... god steps in when we let him. It is funny, but I am finding that with all that I went thru, now that I am not so angry, I am able to love my husband again, but in a healthy way, not co dependent. Another note, is I was so full of self pity and hate, I did not want to be close to my A, so I would let our son sleep in our bed. He is 9 years old, boy what a mistake that was. Now, I can truly share my thoughts and closeness with my A, that I never was able to before. Our son, is a little upset, about sleeping in his own room, but to bad. If I want to be a good and happy person, and show my son that mom and dad need our time too, then he will understand, and get over it. So far so good, got a service to help with the cleaning, and now I can work on the things that I had given a back seat to. My life.: Sincerely,Dorean
