New Here *HI* - Al-Anon Family Group

mimidtw · Newbie

New Here *HI*

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome mimidtw,

Well, I will beat everyone to the punch and invite you to go to the top of the messages to the one by CanadianTom that says, "offer of a great book", and sign up.

Glad you came to this board. I invite you to start reading some posts. If you click on a name, you can get to the profile and read individual histories. Lots of miracles go on here, but not necesarily with the A.

Your words are very familiar. Not many A's embrace the thought of being an A. When my AH first started going to AA, he decided that he could cut down to going to AA maybe one time a month, because AA was full of "angry bitter people who had a drinking problem". Absolutely could not accept that he was one of them. This was even after a stint in rehab. Afterall, he just chose to get drunk (because of me) and he could stop if he wanted to. Uh huh. So, a year and a half later he has been attending 5-7 meetings a week for 9 months now. The few things he talks about, and by his actions, I know he is working HIS program not THE program. But, it is his deal. I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it. You can't either. I just pray that someday he will find peace and joy and may use his life to help others. That is all I can do for him. For me, I can do much more. I can work this program by going to meetings, reading the literature, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and focusing on myself and making my life better. I continue to have struggles, but I now believe in the promises of this program, and am experiencing the miracles of al-anon by accepting that a Higher Power (whom I call God) is leading the way for me.

You will find incredible support here at MIP. I strongly encourage you to start going to face-to-face meetings (they can change your life) and to keep coming back here!

Blessings,
Lou

joyoma · Veteran Member

Your description of your AH's behavior and attitude is similar to my loved one's. Especially the AA part: He often discusses his meeting with me, saying that the oldtimers always say "you won't be happy when you're sober, but you will be sober"....or something like that. He tells me he hasn't met a happy person in AA yet. He has lost his family to this disease and the disease has progressed over the years. He is now mid-forties and seems deeply into trying to change, BUT I also feel he is working his own version of the program. He has always been into himself, felt he was superior in many ways (and truly was....very personable, handsome, charming, successful) to those he meets in program. I don't know what to think or feel. Since he isn't a spouse, I can't divorce him or really do much other than listen and hope for the best.

I am trying hard to do my own program and leave his to him. I am glad you are here with the wonderful people who can give you their ESH. I am not one of them since I don't feel I have any business passing on my feelings to any degree. That is because I fail daily in my steps. I just come here to learn and listen, but do want you to know that what you describe in your AH is very familiar to me. Good Luck.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

As Lou said, lots of miracles here, but not necessarily with the A.

As far as his AA meetings go, he'll eventually admit that he's talking though his hat, or he won't. If he eventually comes to true sobriety through this, great. If it keeps him sober while he's physically in the meeting, well, better than nothing. If he can't keep up to this at all, and goes back to where he was before, at least a seed has been planted - he knows where the meetings are, and knows that sobriety is possible.

So much for him - the real issue here is you. Time for you to start taking care of yourself, start focusing on what is best for you and your kids. If you don't feel safe leaving your kids with him, don't. Nagging at your A to be something he is not is not going to keep your kids safe. Take a good long hard look at the reality of your situation, and do what must be done. For me, I found that relying on someone who was unreliable was the cause of many of my problems. Once I started having plans that were based on reality, rather than on wishful thinking, things went better.

There's a lot of help for you here. Read some of the older posts, and you will find that while not everything is useful in your situation, much of it is. If you possibly can, go to face to face meetings - there is nothing more freeing than speaking your truth out loud to other human beings who understand. Some of my pain just dissolved after being aired in this way - I just needed to be heard. Welcome.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome mimi. All A's want to be 'normal' ppl, have a drink or two like others. Whether he is an A or not an A, really isn't the point. Al-anon is for you & it will help you to deal with the issues in your life. Find some local meetings www.al-anon.alateen.org get pamphlets & inquire about alateen & alatot. There is help & suport for all of you.

We who have lived with an A know our lives & thoughts become dominated by their behavior & their use. Learn to focus on yourself & your kids. I've had the program in my life since I was a teenager. My mother still doesn't get why I have alanon in my life. I cant make her see the light or change her mind, I simply owe iot to myself, to live my best life. Up until a few short years ago I was still living for her. It is not selfish for you to focus on you, you owe it to your children to be the best parent you can be.

Reading old posts can be very enlightening, go to search & plug in a word or issue to see some that may be relevant to you right now. Also the chat room is a great place where you will find ppl that will relate. There are 2 daily meetings in there too. You are not alone. Ask questions, get informed, it does get better.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.