The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After a particularly stressful week, I have been taking some time to take stock in what is going on in my life and around my home. Im not happy wth it. I know it is up to me to change it, and I am trying sooo hard to do it. I feel like my hands are tied right now and that makes me angry. I almost feel like I am back at the beginning of my recovery again, yet I know I am much stronger now than I was then. I have realized, though I guess I have always known, that my options are really as limited as I have believed them to be. I know I have put myself in this position and I am not quite sure how to get out of it. I WANT out of it, more than anything in the world. I remember the woman I used to be just a few short years ago...happy, independent, strong and self assured...now I am seeing this new version of myself, unhappy, totally dependent, weak, but getting stronger and so unsure of everyone and everything. I want so much to be who I used to be, I want so much just to be able to have ONE day of *normal* worries. I'm sure this has all been said by me in a past post, but again....I feel like in some small way I am going backwards instead of forwards, or maybe I am just REALLY realizing things now. I love my abf, I cant help myself. I hate his addiction and what it does to both of us. I walked away from friends, family, jobs because of the shame I felt and the illness it brought to ME. I cut too many ties, broken too many bridges, to reach out to anyone for help. I truly feel alone and so frightened of what my life has become. I am disgusted with me and with my A, and maybe tomorrow I will feel differently, but for today, well, this is it I wish there was some way to just pack up and walk out....and actually have some place to go. For me, there just isnt right now...and I think that that may be what I am most angry about. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
just giving you some webhugs. i understand. higher power is always there to reach out to, if i don't blind myself to him/her/it. be kind to you... who else will be if you aren't?
(((more hugs))) cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
aha Jeaniie u break my heart , please find meetings for yourself if your not already attending f2f u need support and understanding . You have taken on the shame of his disease and it's not yours , IT IS OK TO LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC take yur plan one day at atime , going back to who u used to be will take time ,little steps one thing at a time , renew old friendship one at a time . Alcoholism happened to you jeannie it's just that simple , he didn't want it , you didn't want it but u got it . the good news is u can recover from it . hang in there keep the focus on you and your needs , and remember he too has a higher power and will take him where he needs to go . You are not responsible for keeping him safe , allow him the dignity to grow up this is his disease leave it with him . Louise (hugs)
I DID take on the shame of his disease, and I did give it back, but not before I let it take its toll on me..I reached out to some of his family members when I first began my recovery, and I was told to stop playing the victim that I CHOSE this. Well, yeah, I did choose it, but not willingly. I didnt know a whole lot about aism when we first started dating and believed him when he told me it wasnt a problem, not really, he could stop, he just enjoyed it. Only when I was really caught up in the spiderweb did I realize that it really WAS a problem..thats when the shame set in and I began withdrawing from, well, everyone and everything. I know it is not my problem, yet I am living with it every day and living with the reperucussions every day. Some days I am totally ok with it, others, like today, I just want to run away as fast as I can! I know deep down that this is normal, but I dont want it to be normal, I dont want this to be my way of life. As for f2f meetings, I havent been able to find any in my area that coincide with my schedule. All of you here have been so supportive and so warm and caring and have given me more strength with each day. I pray that we all find our silver linings and learn to live in the way in which we are entitled and deserve. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
There has been a recent topic at one of my meetings about learning who to talk to, who you can trust to be supportive. It took me awhile to realize that his family was NOT going to understand. They didn't want to see the truth. They didn't want it to be their problem. Even my own famiy didn't understand. Most of them turned against ME.
Now I get it. They just DON'T get it. If you have never been in recovery from this disease, you aren't going to understand. All those friends and relatives that I tried to go to for help or understanding just couldn't be there for me. That is part of the reason why our Al-Anon program works, because it is a place we can go where people understand what I have been through. There is no judgement. There is nobody telling me what I SHOULD do. When I tell my story, nobody talks nasty about my AH. They understand that I can love my AH and still learn to protect myself.
Can you find the contact numbers for any of the groups there locally. Even if you can't get to meetings maybe you can build a phone list of people you can call and really talk too. I am a contact for our group and I would never let a work schedule get in the way of meeting up if someone asked. I would even consider helping to get another group started if someone were interested in another time. Anyway, it's a thought.
Just know that you are not alone.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
You know in the book Getting them Sober (which is available free see the offer above by our beloved Canadian guy) there is a section where she posts "if you decide to stay let it go for one day). Stay for one day. I stayed with the A for a long long time. I wanted to try and say I gave it my best shot. I certainly did that. Now I've left I try to give leaving and starting over a best shot.
I know what it is to be alone. I'm certainly there. I no longer feel lonely in fact my day is packed with activity to take care of me (all of it survival to be sure but I do work on taking care of me!).
Be nice to yourself. Don't condem yourself because you are codependent. There is a way out Some of us take the long route but there is an "out" for everyone. If you want try on some skills, how about detaching. That helps a lot but you have to practice.
