The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
That I am the sum of all my past experiences and therefore cannot improve, or do I consider myself capable of learning from my past in order to better my future?
That life is not worth the effort, or that life is what I make of it, in good times and in bad times?
Depression to be with me until the end of my days or something that can be overcome and conquered inch by inch?
Life has not been easy,as is the case for so many of us, and yet I cannot truly say that I do not have hope for better things to come...so why is it that there are days and days that drag me down and overwhelm me if I am not careful, and kind and considerate to myself?
If this is my one chance at life, why is it that it is so hard to live instead of simply existing?
Where do I REALLY put my trust?
Thank you family for listening to my questions...I do not expect you to give me the answers, for I know that I have to work them out for myself, however - I am always open to your experiences and sharing if you should feel happy to comment on my perponderances.
Love, as always, Suzannah - who is presently in a deep pool of despond.
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
So sorry to hear you are feeling down. You have posed some very thought provoking questions.
In my own experience life for me has always been full of ups and downs. I have found one thing to be constant, that is my trust in my HP to work it all out for me if I put it in his hands.
Things have been a bit difficult for me as well lately. For a while, I was totally lost in it, and couldn't seem to see a way out. The problem was, I had not given this problem into the care of my HP, and as soon as I began to do this, I began to experience serenity once again. While there are still some problems going on all around me, I am at peace with it all.
While I have not been on the board as much lately, you are always in my prayers. You are a very special person.
Take care of yourself my dear.
Much Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
You know it wasn't but a week ago that I was thinking it was never going to get any better. I was unmotivated, no drive to do anything and lethargic. Thinking, thinking and more which is so emotionally exhausting. It is so easy to slide into being despondent and depressed.
I was quick to anger and my reactions would throw others into a negative that continued to drag me down and feed the cycle of my thinking/feeling to feel worse. I hit despair so I read in desperation about pain in Courage to Change. A kernal of truth that pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice was the ticket that time to let it go. I used this new knowledge again the next day as it is so up & down daily but it worked. For the most part, I enjoyed myself, I let go of some irratations that I couldn't control ( not easily though ) and focused on what was good & fun. I didn't end up feeling like I ruined things for everyone and I didn't continue to beat up on myself. It really helped and I am riding that wave of feeling better right now. BUT I know there will be something to learn and apply again soon, I am a work in progress.
I have found these truths for myself to hold on to when I'm struggling:
I can't change the past but I can change the future.
I am human and imperfect so somedays I will use things I have learned from the past and present BUT somedays I will make the same mistakes from the past again & again.
When I start feeling like 'why bother' or 'what does it matter', I know that is a big call for me to go to an extra meeting or call my sponsor. My tendency is to isolate and not leave the house - this does not work for me and I know it - it only makes things harder for myself.
I often hoped in the beginning that I would be strong enough to cure myself of depression. Now I consider it a chronic condition like diabetes, asthma etc It is treatable and often means I am not taking care of myself such as eating 3 meals, going for a walk, getting enough sleep etc.
I can improve the condition and at times reduce meds for awhile because I am handling things better with self care and my thought process. Sometimes stress happens like my mom's death early summer and I needed extra meds for 6 weeks as I was so anxious and natural depression to this event just triggers the chronic depression.
I hope some of this will help you to believe that things will continue to change. Give yourself some TLC and hold on until the clouds past and the sun shines again.
big hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
you will beat sadness and depression... know why? because you have the strength and courage to admit that your sad and/or depressed! you keep coming back. you have come to get help from others that can help! i spent years ignoring that lesson!!!
what works for me when i am blue, is making a gratitude list. it motivates me to finish up on the pitty-pot and get to a better "center".
it also took me a long time to stop being so critical of myself. i was inflicting my own psychosis by not allowing my path to unfold... having to control the "where to, next"... even in program, i was a jerk to myself because i thought i needed to learn quicker and get healthy faster.
today, i think i am there... i am finally coming up on... the beginning... lol... the beginning... today... not worried about tomorrow; we'll see what it brings at that time.
anyway, i'm happy to have company on this path with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Rescuing and craving to be rescued got me into a deep deep vat of despair. Letting it go has been very hard. These days I try to be self reliant. Can't say I like it but rescuing others got me into such trouble.
I have hope in the program and the progress and having a plan Be!
