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After reading and replying to some posts on dry drunks, I realized that I am in need of some esh myself. My abf has been sober for, well, I really dont know how long now, basically cuz I am no longer keeping tabs on his behavior. Things around here keep getting weirder and weirder. I feel like I am living with Jeckyll and Hyde. He has been in a funk lately, facing demotion in the army and being laid off from work. Though I try to show him the positive side of things, like, hey its summer, look at this as an opportunity to do the things that you wouldnt have time to do if you WERE working, and that this demotion, which is almost a direct result of his past drinking behaviors, is not really the end of the world. That though he may not be able to change the outcome, he can certainly take the steps to make sure it never happens again, he is just bitter and resentful almost all the time. He sits around all day watching tv and doing, well, whatever it is he does. I have been picking up some extra hours at work, and visiting my son who just had some pretty major oral surgery. I come home to dishes everywhere, the bed not made and him not even showered. If I make any kind of comment about this I am accused of "coming at him, or attacking him". We both live here and we should both be responsible for at least picking up after ourselves. When I point this out to him he usually responds with some remark about how he is the breadwinner. I dont know if that is supposed to justify his irresponsible behavior, but it doesnt...not for me. I guess I was under the illusion that once he was sober, he would become more responsible. Maybe that should be under the disillusion. Anyway, I feel like I am walking on eggshells around here and if I crack one I will set off a landmine. Anyone have any esh on this subject?? I feel like *I* am going crazy! seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
In my experience, negativity is a big part of being an A, and it won't go away all at once. Some of it probably never goes away.
From what you have described, sounds like he has reason to be depressed - he's facing the consequences of past behaviour, without his usual method of easing the pain. So I'd keep doing what you are doing - keep yourself busy and happy and don't worry about his mood. It's not your job to make him happy and cheerful (though I know it's dragging to live with the depression).
His behaviour, though, is something else, and you have a right to ask for basic consideration. If you can separate the behaviour from the mood in your mind, it might be easier to talk to him about it. And if you are not attacking the way he IS but instead what he DOES, it might be easier for him to listen.
lin, im not quite sure what you meant by that last sentence. I dont believe I am attacking him at all. I am merely asking him since he is here to help out and stop wallowing in his misery. He complains that he is feeling lazy, yet he continues to actually BE lazy. I do understand his misery to some extent, yet it comes and goes so frequently and quickly that I am never quite sure what to say and/or do ....it just seems to never be the right thing, and when he blows up at me, I just kinda sit there and let him, then after a few minutes he comes back to me acting like nothing happened. I cant switch off and on that easily ya know? Im just really confused. jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
"attacking" is probably the wrong word - what I am trying to say is that it is better to ask for the behaviour you want, and let attitude go. You have a better chance of getting a depressed alcoholic to pick up his dishes than you do of getting him to get a sunnier outlook on life.
Don't know if the A you live with was as bad as mine. But I hated it when he did not shower. yuck.
I did nothing. Said nothing. It is his life. If I was going to continue to live with him, felt like it was as is. Not my job to tell him what to do.
Everyone wants to be who they are, with out anyone else telling them anything about them. A's have the same right. Remember this is my experience, my feelings. Learned all this from alanon.
Can't change it,did not cause it, control it or cure it. Not my problem. So I stopped washing his cloths, stopped making him dinner. That was his responsibility.
I learned to live with an A, I had to have my own money,my own car in my name, never put loans in his name and mine. He is sick, it is serious.
Learned I could not plan anything with him, basically had my own life. If he was ever nice I enjoyed him, if not I left, or did my own stuff.
Myself I expect nothing from anyone. Then I am never disappointed and am happy if the show up. I don't trust or distrust, just love people. Don't believe in trusting an A ever. They are sick, if he had brain cancer, I would not trust him. Not his fault either.
So again, it is my experience if I choose to live with anyone I accept them for who they are, what they do, whatever. Not my job to raise them, make rules or anything. Won't work.
It is hard to face, was for me. But a relationship with an A is not like one with a non addict. Addicts are very manipulative, self centered, only care when they are sick, only care when the world is hard on them. Some put up this big front like they are "all that."
We learn to take care of our own needs and how not to enable from alanon. Meetings,books, message board, chat room....
debilyn, did you stay, and if so for how long? I am learning so quickly that I can not depend on him, even when he tells me I can. He sees no problem leaving his messes all over the place and then will get defensive if I just start cleaning up...I need to use the kitchen too. If I leave the messes for him, well, we'd be living in a pig sty. I hate doing it, but I have no choice right now. I feel like I am living with a child who is deliberately pushing my buttons. I know he is sick, and I know that I am getting better at a much quicker rate than he is. I am not sure I have the patience to wait for him to catch up. I am trying so hard to be independent, but I, myself, have a chronic illness which has caused me to lose several jobs over the past couple of years. I have only a part time job, which, though it pays well, is still only part time and not nearly enough to support myself with, so right now, I am financially dependent on him. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know deep down that we will never have a "normal" relationship, mostly because of the trust issue, and I am reasonably sure it is only a matter of time that this relationship will end. I just need to be able to stand on my own two feet, and honestly, I am resentful of myself and my illness for not allowing it to happen soon enough for me. I am using the tools I have learned and emotionally and spiritually I am getting stronger. I have changed my attitude and so many other things about myself, its just the damn money thing now. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
He will change when it is the right time for him, just like you got help when it was your time. We all recover at different rates and just because it feelslike he is way behind you now doesn't really mean a thing. A's can change very quickly when they start putting as much effort into their recovery as they did into their disease. However that does not mean he ever will. It is totally up to him.
So with that in mind, your job is to take care of your own recovery. Decide what you can and can't live with and go from there. Sounds like you are already working toward figuring that out.
One thing that really helped me was to get my expectations under control. Expecting an A two has spent who knows how long, self medicating every problem in his life, to suddenly just learn to take all his problems in stride with a sunny and cheery outlook is not a reasonable expectation. That's like expecting a child who can't add to do division. And you can't just logically talk him into a better attitude, any more than you would be able to logically talk the child into understanding how to divide. There are things your A has probably never learned, about coping with life, that you probably are not even aware of, things you and I take for granted.
As an example, I always thought my AH just needed to be honest with me. It was a huge revelation for me when I realise that this was impossible for him because he as never taught to be honest. NEVER. He had to learn for the first time in early sobriety what honesty is and how to tell the truth. I had always taken for granted that if my family taught me to be honest that everybod's family's taught them to be honest. Boy was I WRONG.
I have heard it said that people like my A can eventally become honestin the extreme, and judging by how angry he becomes with himself when he slips into a lie mode, it may eventually happen. But I would not expect it to happen tommarrow, or next week, or even next year.
Anyway, I'm sorry for running off at the keyboard. Hope something I have said will help. Just remember you are not alone in this.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I live with very difficult people. I set parameters. I clean the bathroom and that's it. I don't run around after them. I stop having expectations they will change. I got very very very busy with my own life and my own issues. I have lots of them. I took the focus off them. I stopped trying to work out what was wrong with them. I did sound off to some people but not that much nothing like I used to. I admitted I was powerless. I actually find I "mind" less!
