The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm just continually running and not meeting the needs of anyone, particularly myself. I even feel behind in this program. Reading my literature is a speed reading adventure. Can't get all the posts read, let alone get it together to respond. Here I am posting at 4:30 a.m. Took an act of God to get to a meeting last night and the secretary didn't show. Small meeting always so I sat and chatted with the other person that came and then we had an ad hoc meeting outside with a couple of other people who trickled in. It turned out okay, but seemed like the rest of my life - flying by the seat of my pants. It is up to me to change, I know that.
I flunked carpool yesterday - it was my first time to pick-up and I forgot. Didn't go over well with my 15 yr old. I apologized, but it just wasn't good enough. Felt abused and finally had to walk away, which just caused more chaos. Lots of conflict lately. He states he just wants approval from me. Same complaint as from my AH. So I wonder, am I really disapproving and cold, or was I married to a 15 yr old?
My daughter has a week long backpacking/camping field trip coming up. Signed up to chaperone years ago. Geared myself up to go since I figured my AH can't go with all the programs he is committed to and the financial situation of our business. Apparently I was wrong. I keep forgetting that he doesn't thing about common sense details like that. Daughter was incredibly disappointed that I was planning on going. She called dad to tell him. He yelled at me on the phone then sent a text apologizing for losing his temper, but stated he never thought his going was in question and that he would consider not going if I was that motivated, but needed to give it thought and talk with me before he would give it up, let alone let it go.
Why can't he just be nice? I texted him back telling him that many of my plans changed in the past few years and that I was doing many things I hadn't planned. I didn't know he could go and was acting in love for my daughter, not trying to offend him. Told him to enjoy the trip and get coverage at the office. Ended with, "Glad you learned to be sober, just wish you could learn to see beyond yourself". No response from him.
Daughter is in turmoil over the whole thing as I inappropriately made it very clear she hurt my feelings. She keeps making comments that she wants me to go, but they are not heartfelt. I know she is jumping for joy inside that her dad is the one. As per usual, I will go to the planning meetings, do the paperwork, pay the money, gather the supplies and AH will show up and have the fun. Honestly, carrying a 35 lb backpack with a bunch of 12 yr olds, sleeping on the ground, freezing, and packing around my toilet paper isn't all that appealing to me right now, it is just the way it all went down that bugs me. It all boils down to poor communication on my part,for I shouldn't have assumed. You know what they say about assume... it makes an a** out of u and me. Ain't that the truth!
My aunt took the liberty to invite my A brother from out of state to her 50 yr wedding anniversary party. So, he is coming this weekend and staying for two weeks. I want to go dump him in a rehab center. Should be interesting....
Sorry for this whiney post. It's only a smidgeon of what is going on and bugging me. Thankfully I will get to a meeting tonight and meet with my sponsor beforehand. I like her a lot. She has much wisdom to share and shows great interest in sharing her program with me. She encourages me to contact her. So, that is something good.
Of the posts I've read, seems many here are really struggling right now. I wish you all the peace and serenity that I am hoping to find as well. Thanks for being here.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Oh Lou, I feel your pain, and I'm sure, exhaustion, too.
I too have felt like I was spinning my wheels and getting nothing accomplished until I stepped out of the toxic trio between myself/youngest AD/my parents this week.
I had no focus at all, and I had to start whittling away one thing at a time after I finally blew my lid!
I called my sponsor last night and we had a good long talk.
My Vo-Rehab worker finally contacted me via email (while I was over at the college campus at the book store), and he is calling this morning to finish up the details on getting my text books/software to me for classes.
Just for today, I am going to stay focused on my needs, and stay away from the chaos with AD and my parents!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Same complaint as from my AH. So I wonder, am I really disapproving and cold, or was I married to a 15 yr old?
Ok, my best guess is that you were married to a 15 yr old. That is why this divorce is so hard. I was married to a 13 year old and he did the divorce fine but being divorced is a whole nother story!!!
I am sorry you are rather down. Sounds to me like you are doing the best you can with what you've got. Personally, I do NOT like tha fact that he thinks he can play Super Dad. I do NOT like that your kids seem to be disregarding you. I don't think they should choose sides but I do think they should, at their age, be able to see the truth of what you do for them and that should garner some extra love and respect from them to you. Your son should respect you no questions asked and your daughter should feel guilty for wanting her dad insted of you to go along. A "Disney Dad" does NOTHING to further the bonds of a family. In fact, a Disney Dad does much damage to the bonds of a divorced family and can wind up playing the parential alienation game (oh I know Son, your mom always did/said/wanted me to do the same thing...*sniff* Now you understand why I HAD to leave....)
Lou, you are just fine. NEVER forget this. You really are. You are a child of God. You have God inside of you residing there at all times. A sacred flame.
I highly recommend that you drop kick all of 'em, the whole shooting match to your HP. Beyond your control. Let him deal with their insanity. Keep the focus on YOU. Put yourself first. Do not let your kids dictate your priorities, you dictate your own priorities. Be Momma The Boss. Hugs, J.
In the immortal words of my dear old sponsor, I would encourage you to re-read your post, about how you are handling things with each of these people/issues in your life, and ask yourself the "look in the mirror" question of - "and how's that working for you so far??"
Not being judgmental here - not in the least.... I've been where you are, and did the same things.... funny thing is, until I changed MY approach, attitude, and perspective towards situations and others, my frustration and disappointment never seemed to get better.... The text you sent to your ex, is not about you, but rather about controlling him.... or insinuating how he "should" behave....
It's hard Lou, I know that.... if I could be so bold, I would encourage you to pick up a copy (or tape) of John Gray's book on "perspectives". He is the author of the "Mars and Venus" series - not at all Al-Anon related, but a wonderful reminder of how much WE influence our attitudes towards events....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
falling short, nah! living with a 15 yr old son, yup and emotional daughter, yup, AH with baffling, confusing illness, yup - that you can string words in a sentence after all that is success. LOL
My 15 & 13 old sons were argumentative all day and it came to a peak about 5 minutes before I was leaving to meet with my sponsor, The drama, the chaos and my feeling to resolve this all before I left..... it wasn't happening so I quit, said I was out of here and left. Called the younger son and told him I was going to be the one penalized as late to my meeting if I stayed because of their drama. Asked him, who was more at fault - he finally admitted he was so he would accept the penalty to stay upstairs away from his older brother while I was gone.
When I returned this 13 yr old told me they realized they should have taken care of their own disagreements so he had stayed upstairs but they were in agreement for him to be downstairs when I got home.
Remember teen drama is sometimes to get attention, sometimes to practice breaking free and sometimes part of treating the one they care for and trust the most, with their worse behavior - not that it is right but let it go. We are human and not perfect and we make mistakes, allows them this right too.
Give your self some breathing room and be gentle with yourself - you have a lot going on and we are not super human. Easy does it, one thing at a time and get some sleep too. Big hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
"Remember teen drama is sometimes to get attention, sometimes to practice breaking free and sometimes part of treating the one they care for and trust the most, with their worse behavior - not that it is right but let it go. We are human and not perfect and we make mistakes, allows them this right too."
I couldn't agree with this more. I'm one who often reads a lot more meaning into the behaviour of my teens than it merits. As my daughter has been known to say to me "Mom, I'm 16, I did something stupid. Get over it."
Your kids have a right to have a relationship with their dad, and what that relationship is, is not really any of your business. If he really is just playing Superdad, they'll see through it eventually. But, even if they don't, it's not a zero-sum game. Any love and respect they give to him is not taken from you. You won't lose if they continue to love him, but they will win.
I like the shares, I need the support with this too.
My kids are a little older, ages 24 and 22. I felt the same way about my exAH's manipulative behavior so that he can look like a Super Dad all of a sudden. This from a man who didn't want to hold them as babies... didn't want to take them along to Home Depot b/c it would slow him down... wouldn't play ball with them b/c they couldn't catch on the first day... But since the divorce, he is spinning his wheels trying to be something that he never was.
At first, my kids ate it up... he bought them things, waived debts they owed him, took them to nice restaurants which included cocktails.... WHY WOULDN'T THEY?! They were finally getting the attention they had surely always craved from him. However, they are now beginning to say things like, "OMG, Dad calls me EVERY day, it is driving me CRAZY!" I have learned to say nothing. I truly feel bad that they have a such a codependent father. I believe your kids will see this someday, too.
Here is one of my personal miracles... They are telling ME that they feel calm when they are with me. Praise HP! The peace of the program is growing in me one day at a time!
Recently, my daughter completed army basic training. At the last minute, my exAH decided to fly to her graduation ceremony on the other side of the country. Later, my daughter told me that he cried TWICE at the ceremony and that she had never seen him cry before. I kept thinking, wow! He may have scored points with her, whatever! My personal truth is.... I did not want to go to this.
When she came home, I picked her up from the airport, and offered what I wanted to offer. I was present as she told countless stories... I can remember and was able to fix her favorite foods... and I can comfort her the way I've comforted her since the day she was born. I will always be something no one else will ever be... their mother. I will only offer what I WANT to offer them. I don't believe that they SHOULD treat me special for all my efforts... this expectation can lead to great resentment and cause me to suffer. (My exAH has complained that his trip cost him $1000. and that he had to charge this to his mounting debt....blah, blah, blah. Apparently, it's tough being Superman.)
Sorry for the long-windedness, Lou.
Take care of YOU. Be the mom YOU want to be. (LOL, recalling the army ad, "Be all that you can be....) ((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Loupiness wrote:As per usual, I will go to the planning meetings, do the paperwork, pay the money, gather the supplies and AH will show up and have the fun.
Um..... I'm not sure I would be any better at remembering this if it were ME, but - in fact, you have a choice about this. If you don't want to do the meetings/paperwork/funding/supplying, make it clear to both AH and daughter that those items are up to them - and then DO NOT DO THEM.
On the other hand, if you DO want to contribute this as your part towards your daughter's trip, by all means do them. I would actually tell your daughter you're doing them too - maybe involve her too - make it clear that you want to do this with her, and that part of the exercise is that she start to be aware of and responsible for some of the planning that goes into these things.
