The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i HAVE TOLD MY AB THST i NEED SPACE TO DEAL WITH MY EMTIONS. tHIS IS A BOUNDARY i HAVE SET TO PROTECT ME. hE IS PROMISING THE WORLD EVERYTHINGS GOING TO BE O.K, HES GOING TO GET AJOB, A FLAT BASICALLY GROW UP HE WANTS TO BE WITH ME. i SAID HAVE A BREAK FOR 3 MONTHS AND ACTIONS WILL SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. hE HAS BECOME VERY INSECURE ITS HORRIBLE TO SAY THIS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD IN CONTROL LIKE HE WILL CHANGE IF i DO TUFF LOVE. sTILL TRYING TO CONTROL i AM JUST TRYIN DIFFERENT TACTICS. wE MET UP AND HE CONVINCED ME WE SHOULD JUST SEE EACH OTHER ONCE A WEEK. bUT MY INNER VOICE WAS SREAMING THE CYCLE WILL BEGIN AGAIN. i RANG AND SAID i COULDNT HE WAS BULLYING ME. aFTER A WEEK OR SO WE ,MET AGAIN i REALLY THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO AGREE TO THE BREAK AND TELL ME EVERYTHING i NEEDED TO HEAR THAT HE WOULD CHANGE AND PROVE HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME , HE WASNT GOOING TO LOOSE ME.
HE NEVER HE TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME AGAIN TO GET HIS NEEDS MET TO MEET ONCE A WEEK WHEN I DID NOT GIVE IN HE BECAME ANGREY. hE WALKED OFF SAYING HE NEW IT WAS OVER i JUST WANTED THE APACE TO GRIEVE AND GET OVER HIM. i DID NOT REACT AND DROVE OFF. bUT i AM FEELING VERY GUILTY AND HAVE BEEN OVERCOME WITH FEAR. i WANT TO SPEAK TO HIM AND REASURE HIM THAT i AM NOT GOING TO GO WITH ANYONE ELSE ETC ETC. i RANG HIS MUMS LAST NIGHT AND HE WASNT THERE ALL OLD FEARS HES GONE ON BENDER. BUT IF HE HAS THEN i AM DDOING THE RIGHT THING. i HAVE SET A BOUNDARY HOW HE REACT IS NOT MY PROBLEM SO WHY DO i ALWAYS FEEL LIKE i NEED TO FIX THINGS? iF i RING HIM AND TELL HIM i JUST WANT SPACE AND REASURE HIM i WILL FEEL BETTER, WHEN REALLY i HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG i AM REALLY TRYING TO FOCUS ON MYSELF AND MY NEEDS THATS WHY NEED THE SPACE BUT i WORRY ABOUT HIM SO MUCH
I really understand the obsessing, what to do, what not to do but always about them. What enabled it to subside for me, was I consciously started to unplug from the A's & users in my life. I focused on myself... for a year it felt very foreign, weird and unnatural but I stuck with it & kept trying to consider me & keep the focus on me for the first time in my life.
At first I had absolutely no love for myself. After a year, I do have some. By focsuing on me and relaizing it is okay if I am happy or content even if my loved ones aren't. I dont have to be upset just b/c they are. By setting a boundary & sticking ot that limit that you set, you will begin to gain some of your personal power back. Each time you do it, it will be a little easier & the boundary will get reinforced so it becomes stronger & more defined.
And you are correct about stepping back, watching the behavior to see if anything changes. They say, listen with your eyes. A's are Master Manipulators and don't want their enablers to change, they want to continue doing what they are doing. They will promise you the moon, the sun, the stars b/c it's just words to them, they dont mean it, they'll say anything.
Even if you could reassure them (you can't) it wouldnt make a difference as to whether he goes on a bender or not. Nothing we do or dont do will necessarliy affect their drinking, you cant think you have any control over that.
A's pick up substances, we pick up people. Let them go from your focus & turn your attention to improving yourself, this has made all the difference in my life. The more I unplug from them & focus on me, I am slowly detaching. Each day it gets a lil stronger. I cannot change anyone but myself, I have to accept reality & other ppl as they are. If they make changes & get on board too, that remains to be seen. I do not doom them to failure but I dont go crazy with hopes when they say they want to change. Time will tell. I do know I deserve to be treated well & if I am not I can remove myself. If something is so great & wonderful, it can stand the test of time. Take the space you feel you want & need, IMHO, if they dont agree or understand it, they probably aren't worth it.
It is your life.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Gosh been there done that. Having boundaries is hard going. Keep at it. Keep practising.
keep looking for support you deserve it!
Who knows what they think? I no longer try to think about what others might want. I put the focus on what I want. Tired of turning myself inside out, inside up, down and around. I try to be kind and compassionate and interested but not more so in others than in me.
That takes practice. it is all practice but eventually it pays off and you start seeing change in action.
