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It becomes clearer to me everyday how selfish my abfsober really is. It's all about him. If he doesn't get his way he trows a fit like a little child. I am just getting over a cold, stayed home yesterday because of it. He walked into the house and the first thing he did was complain he had nowhere to sit (because I was in "his" spot). I later told him it would have been nice if he had asked me how I'm doing or if he comforted me. He replied "I know you are sick" and walked away.
Then he complained about me taking a soda that he bought. I told him that he drinks my sodas and eats my food. Basically it's okay for him to take whatever he wants but he doesn't want to give. He bought sodas and food for lunch for work and said (just because I took a soda) that he doesn't have money to buy more. I asked him if he thought I have endless money. He seems to think that I'm independently wealthy and I'm just not telling him about it. I don't know.
He also told me how he jokes around in rehab and basically doesn't take it seriously. Then the counselor will let him graduate without him going trough all of the steps and without having to fill out his step workbooks. I think that is wrong. I had high hopes about this program.
After he graduates and goes into the last phase he will only be going to rehab once a week. I'm not positive about him continuing to stay sober. I'm getting nothing out of the relationship here lately, for the last month or so. I gave it time to improve but I'm tired of waiting.
I still prefer it when he's not around which is hard to believe. The uneasy feeling when he's around is back again. I lived with this feeling when he was active, it came back once a little while back, went away, now it's back again. Does anyone relate? Is it a red flag? What is it trying to tell me?
Oh yeah, about him not wanting to share his food, last week when he was broke after being out of work for a week he asked me for gas money. I gave it to him, he paid me back. I'm not going to loan him money again. Plus while he was out of work I did not ask him for money to help with bills. Maybe I'm just too nice and he abuses that.
I hope I'm making some sense here. I am so upset about all of this.
hi I agree with Tom. He has only stopped using alcohol, he is not on a recovery program.My experience is when someone is serious about getting clean, they stick to all the tools and want more. They want to learn to not be selfish, be honest, be a better person.
I still believe when ever I did anything for the A it was enabling.Especially when it came to me paying all the bills,taking care of him when he was sick, when he was not there for me at all.
I invite you to listen to your intuition.Something stinks and you are feeling that.He is A,will always be so. This is not even close to how bad it can get. Sounds like your heart is hoping you will hear it and abide by what is best for YOU. Maybe you are coming out of denial. It isn't easy!
I hope you are feeling better. When we live with A's we tend to be sicker people. The pressures are hard on us.
Just keep coming back here and venting, it helps to put it down and share it.
I felt used and abused by the A who I was with for years. I now live in a house with other A's. I certainly feel used and abused by them but I choose what I will "put up with" far more. I make a choice about it rather than martyr it.
Martyrdom was my starring role for a lot of years, so was victim and rescuer. They are all absolutely compelling for me.
I know the feeling. My AHsober for about 6 weeks, went thru inpatient, goes to meetings every night, is still very selfish. Comes home every night telling me how hard his day was, talk, talk, talk, then 5 mins. before he's gonna watch a TV show, he asks "how was your day?" I tell him "it's a day", that answer is good enough for him. For the past 3 years, he's had time off from work due to surgeries and rehabs, plus his usual vacation time at work, fishes and plays golf, got himself fired from his job of over 20 years, now does things "he" likes to do (almost retired type thing), but for the past 3 years, I have wasted days on taking care of him during surgeries, court dates, or just plain being worn down by his drinking etc. I haven't had a vacation in years. (I know, who's fault is that? Mine, and I'm no martyr, at least not anymore LOL). And you know what he has the nerve to tell me last night??? That in 5 years I may be able to cut down and work only 4 days a week. WHAT??? Our plan originally was that in 5 years we would both RETIRE!!! Not work!!! But of course, now, since his "early" retirement, we need the money. I don't think so!!! I told him that I really may have to "rethink" my staying with him cause that didn't fit in w/my plans for the next 5 years. Now, of course, he changes he tune, but you know what, it's typical A smooth over, that's all it is. I gave him a second chance after this rehab, told him he really needed to work a program and do some soul searching, and he did alot of damage to our relationship, that I didn't feel the same about him, and needed really to understand that and try to make amends. I don't consider this amends, I consider it "using" me. But make no mistake, I can see the writing on the wall, and I will not be around any where close to 5 years to "cut down to 4 days a week", I will find a way to be retired, probably without him (which to me is no big loss anyway). The choice is mine, and I must really do for me cause if I don't, nobody else will.
I would so like my A to understand my feelings, be compassionate towards me, give me some credit, think of someone else but himself ~ they just aren't capable of it unless they are really embracing the program, making serious changes, soul searching (you know, like we are working at). I've been in lots of open AA/NA mtgs and you can tell the ones that are contrite and really changing, you can feel it, you can see it. No looking hard or second guessing, it's as if they have a different aura.
No worries, buick, you are making perfect sense and I think we all understand and relate.
I am not really too sure how the conselor's can get away with allowing him to slide by not really doing his program since it was court appointed, does sound fishy but then again, we aren't supposed to be too involved with their program or lack there of, we're supposed to work on us (as u know).
I'm sorry you're sick and not really getting any compassion w/ the A b/f. I have known plenty of non A's that are extremely selfish too.
I used to worry I was being paranoid or projecting but in hindsight my intuition was screaming at me, like an alarm. You have to consider it & make the determination for yourself.
I used to buy sodas at work, anything I brought home with the exAH there was up for grabs... what was mine was his and he was a control freak, so he was always making me feel like I had no value, worth or basic rights. My situation got very very extreme. Do what is best for you and make some plans ~ when I left, I was not prepared, it was a reaction to a bad situation that got close to life & death. I can't say I regret anything though, I got away with my life & that was all I cared about.
love, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I was just gonna begin my own post about almost this very same thing. My abf, who has been not drinking for a couple of weeks ( I think, not worrying too much about it right now myself) has not changed ANY of his selfish behaviors. I guess I was expecting miracles. He is the breadwinner in our home, and likes to make sure that I know it...usually when I try to hold him responsible or even ask him to be responsible for some things. Yeah, he makes most of the money, but I am the one who handles it because if I didnt, we would probably be out on the street right now. I am learning that when he wants something he will be the most kind man around, but if things arent what he wants them to be, well..its a jeckyl and hyde situation here. I just recently got a second denial for my ss disability, which is now heading towards a hearing. I keep thinking that if I can just get the money, I will be able to be free. He is laid off right now and I know that bothers him horribly, but I am also tired of the whining. He spends all day in front of the tv, cant even clean up after himself or shower and shave, unless I "come at him" about it. This is not the life I chose for myself, as I am sure its not what you expected from your happily ever after. I am getting stronger every day thanks to every one here and my outside friends...I just need the money to make my final stand. Keep working on you, I am learning that everything else right now just doesnt matter. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
