The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
About two months ago my girlfriend of four and a half years ago broke up with me!!! We have a two and a half year old son together! Who I love so much!! Over the course of our relationship she had always told me that I was her soul mate. She cheated on me twice over the course of our four years together and after the second time finally admitted that she was an acoholic. She promised repeatedly that this behaviour would change and she would love me with her whole heart. she would ask me to marry her over and over and I always told her I would someday but, i just didn't feel that she truly loved me but i was hopeful that God someday would change her. She started to got to AA meetings and I thought this would truly be the start of our new life together, I was wrong it seemed that she got so consumed with her new sobriety that there was very little time left over for me our should i say our relationship!!! So basically seven months into her sobriety she broke up with me and literally was sleeping with another man who she met of course in AA! I am devastated. I love her with my whole heart still and now that we are apart I have recommitted to God he has shown me so many things that I was doing wrong in the relationship and I have confronted her and apologized for many of my actions. I want us to be a family with my whole heart and my heart yearns for her more each and every day she says she still wants to be my friend and that someday we may be a couple again but seems so distant when we talk What do i do??
Please find some Al-Anon meetings for yourself quick . u need support . As your finding out sobriety is not the answer to all of your problems , and as for the cheating don't blame AA she did it before she found sobriety . You cannot change her , until she see's what she is doing nothing is going to change for her . Am sorry about your son , hopfully u will be able to continue to have him in your life he needs his daddy too . People can change if they want to . get into recovery for yourselfl and your son your going to need support from people who have been where your at . good luck Louise
This must be really painful for you. Sorry for what you are going through. But, I don't think she's really much into recovery if she slept with someone from AA. Anyone will tell you this is a big NO NO. And anyone who is serious about their recovery knows this. Maybe she did stop drinking, but that's just a part of it. Sounds like she's got a long way to go, so I would focus on you and your son. Do you go to Al-Anon? Try and find some f2f meetings if you can. I know this is hard. I want so much to marry my bf. We have been together for over three years and he is just is 120days sober. I also have a 7yr old. Sobriety does'nt automactilcally make everything "happy" and "ok". It takes a lot of work on both sides. Don't beat yourself for your past behaviors or actions. I can do this all day with what I put my son through, that I worried, smotherd my A too much, etc. We do the best we can at the time. Keep saying this till you believe it! Also read what you can. Al-Anon has some great books that you can read daily. One day at a time is what I started off with, and Candian guy is giving away a Toby Rice book that I can't put down. Lots of good reading there. Hope you keep posting here - this board is wonderful and very supportive.
One of the things I have done to alleviate my grief is to work on not knowing what the A is doing. I can imagine that might be difficult for you as you have to speak to your former A as you have a child together. Nevertheless anyway you can detach will certainly help. Detaching is an art form, it doesn't come naturally to us and we have to work on it.
Getting sober is an artform. Stopping drinking is just one item on the list.There are manhy people who 13 step in AA. There are also people who pursue recovery. It may that your girlfriend might do that in time.
Right now you can certainly get a lot of help here, through bibliotherapy, take up Canadian guy on his offer of Getting them Sober and more.
I read some similarities in your story with mine. Exception was that I married my alcoholic when I wasn't wanting to (discriptive of an enabling personality) and that was after breaking up with another alcoholic 6 months earlier. I wasn't thinking right and came to the belief that I had been making some very bad choices and mistakes. Those bad choices can be changed. For me it took face to face Al-Anon meetings and the recovering Al-Anon members that were there with their experiences strength and hope along with the steps, traditions slogans...the whole program. Breaking away from my alcoholic was like getting off of heroin. I was truely addicted and like you mentioned...I was loving her more than I was loving God. I had to let God get back in first place with me and not try to outrun God every opportunity I had. I made a bad mistake and like my sponsor taught me the path to recovery was about amending my self and making better choices.
Look for the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local phone book and call them for someone to talk to or their meeting schedule and more.
When I was married to hubby #1, I was the unfaithful one. When I was married to hubby #2, the tables were turned and it was so very painful. It opened my eyes to what I had put hubby #1 through.
I also heartily recommend that you give Alanon a try.
When I first sobered up, I refused to address my codependency issues, and that created a lot of pain and chaos in my life for many years to come.
I threw away 4 years sobriety over yet another dysfunctional relationship and it wasn't worth it.
You two share a son, and the best thing that you can do for that son is to work on healing yourself from the effects of having an active alcoholic in your life and become the whole and happy person that you deserve to be.
From what you have described, your GF is far from 'sober' with many unresolved issues.
There's a huge difference between sober and dry. Sober, for me, is a state of mind and spirit. Dry is simply abstaining, but continuing the same behaviors that were there before minus the drinking.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
