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I would like to get some opinions on this. My bfsober got laid off recently. We do live together. After his rehab, he did start his job back and was very willing to help pay the bills, as he should, and he did. He has been very good with his money lately. Helping, not spending alot, etc. I have offered to help with his resume, but I am stuck in my thinking here. The hunting season is coming up. He has filed for unemployment and he has mentioned that his best friend made a joke saying he should keep claiming the unemployment through hunting season and then look for a job (just so you know the friend has all the time in the world off..is some kind of real estate agent, does some lawn care on the side, but not regulary working..so he has lots of free time.) Anyways, I made it very clear that that was not funny. He said he was just kidding. Anyways, since he has been out of work, he has made no real effort to find a job. He has been "working" with his friend on the lawn care thing for the last couple days. The first day of "work" the friend instead of paying him, bought him hunting supplies. The second day, my bf bought some arrows that his friend was selling for cheap - didn't say anything else about being paid. Anyways, today (the third day) they are at friends house cleaning out the shed - (this is not for pay I am sure.) I told my bf earlier today that I was working on his resume and would need to ask some questions, but when I heard he was at his friends, I'm not going to bother calling him. If he wants to get his resume out there, he can call me. But this is where I am stumped. I feel if I don't help him look for a job, he won't be working and will be playing and not paying bills for a while. But if I do help him, then what does that help him? At this point, I am getting better with myself, because normally, I'd be all over this. But now I'm at the point, where I just want him to face the work himself.
And, I do not need his money. The job I have will pay for ME and my childs care and bills. And I made it very clear to him that without him working we will not be able to do alot of things like we used to.
Well, he just called me. Said he is home and asked if I wanted to go over his resume. I told him I didn't want to talk to him about it when he was there, so I didn't call back. What to do now???
I've certainly been there and done that. The A who I was with was always looking for work. I feel like I applied for more jobs for him than I did for me. I was always helping.
Sounds like there are lots of issues there. Toby Rice Drew is a great great resource for all those what do I do things. Canadian guy in a post above this one is offering the book for free and I think its a great great resource. I wish I had had that when I was actively living w ith an A.
I am glad you are self sufifcient I wasn't and I will probably be paying for that for years as my credit is now ruined.
Detaching is an art. I think its great you refuse to be at his beck and call. One of the Al anon suggesitons is to get busy! The other is to let him feel the consequences of his actions. If he doesn't send out the resume he won't have work. Eventually unemployment runs out.
Of course there are conseuquences and consequences. For me I personally ended up homless and without anything because I was so overinvolved with the A. I also had to take in our pets because the A totally broke down and could not take care of them.
I am not sure where the A you are with is in sobriety but it doesn't sound like he is going to meetings.
Do you go to meetings? How about getting a sponsor, how about getting literature. Note none of those things applies to what he needs to do. One of the first and most difficult things to do is to stop focusing on him and start focusing on you. The more independent you are the better!
As much as you want to help, ultimately he should be doing this on his own. It seems sometimes A's do need their hand held and almost forced to do things, at least thats how mine was. I went through almost this exact same thing with my ex. I ended up doing his resume and even posting it on job sites. I searched daily, for hours upon hours looking for a job for him. Finally he got a call back from a very prestigious company, went on the interviews, etc etc etc. Well he got that job. Started drinking and drugging again, got arrested, sent away and lost that job. All my hard work down the tubes as far as job searching went. Its frustrating. After this last episode with him, I wanted to kick myself in the ^&% for doing all I did for him.
My suggestion would be to fine tune the resume with him and then put it in his hands to send out, etc.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I will share with you what was told to me by a member of Al-Anon who has been in the program I think 18 years, maybe more.
She said that anytime we have to ask ourselves if we should or shouldn't do something for anyone the answer is always NO. If it were ok it would come normally.
Hope this helps you as much as it has helped me to make decisions.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Personally, I think you should consider calling your sponsor about this. If you don't have one yet, I highly recommend getting one. They are the best resource that I have ever been exposed to when I couldn't come up with the 'right' answers to some of my problems.
I think you already know the answers, you might just be too afraid to act on them. But that's just my own feelings that I have dealt with myself, and I am not saying that it is fact. It's just that i have seen that over the 22 plus years I have been in the program.
Did anybody help you get your job? Is BF very young, never gotten a job before?
The message you send when you give more help than has really been asked for is that the person couldn't possibly do this without your help - he's the screwup and you are the rescuing angel. If that's not a role you are happy playing, don't play.
A good rule of thumb I've found to follow, is that I should not be more invested in someone else's life than they are. Works with the A and also works with kids and homework, friends with their problems, etc.
The part to focus on here is YOUR part - are you getting more or less the amount of partnership from your BF that you need in order to be OK with it? Rather than "You need to work on your resume so you can get a good job", it's "I need you to invest more time and money into this relationship" (or whatever it is you need). Whether and how he fills your needs is up to him, whether it's enough for you is up to you.
Thanks everyone for your posts. My bf has been 120days sober!!! And we both go to meetings, but I have not yet found a sponser. I do have a phone list though. I think that I will help him finish his resume, but then will stop there. If he asks me specific questions, about interviewing or whatever, I will lend my opinion/help there, but will not LOOK for a job for him. I am going to let go of this part. Thank you!
