The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last sunday I asked him to lend me some money so I could pay for my college fee's. He said yeah but then went on a bender and spent all his wages (which I didnt know about till I was ready to pay the fee's).
Anyway that night he told me he let me down and he got upset and he said he wouldnt drink again. I couldnt work out what was going on my head was in termoil. I was hoping that this was it, that he realised that his drinking is a problem and I was trying to ignore the hope by cearching for a reason why he has saying this.
I realise while I was stood at the cash machine just before going to pay my fee's how much he did let me down. He spent the lot. Not a dime left. Not only did he let me down by not leaving me the money for my deposit he knew baby needed nappies and he still spent the money.
I cant wait to graduate and get a job. I won't have to rely on him finacially.
Anyway he didnt drink last night and today he is drinking. I knew in my head it wasnt for real but my heart hope it was. Luckily I didnt get my hopes up too high. Not as painful that way.
Hard times. Definitely been there. I've been gone a year. I am still suffering from it. Make a plan be if you can.
Their disease is very powerful.
The A used to promise me the world and I bought it time after time. I bought it for years then I began to see my "buying" it was part of my own disease. David calls those moment "moments of serenity".
I was very dependent now I am very indepdendent. Not enough yet but I am working on it. I will never go back to that giving my power to someone else.
He can keep bringing the road blocks. I will keep on going. I am determind not to let it get to me. I will go to school and I will graduate. Im doing this for me and my kids. The ultimate motivation.
It is very "sobering" for us to not jump with excitement & glee at their (sometimes many) statements about how guilty, sorry they feel & want to change. It is much easier for us to realize they are just words & we ought to look at their actions. It's not that we don't have any hope for them at all, we just temper it with the knowldege that this disease if very powerful, they can't do it alone & their guilt may make them feel a lot of pain but that is only the initial awareness. Often it is too much to bare, so they use again to escape the feelings.
Your determination to get on with your life and your education, sounds very resolute & very productive. I am proud that you're making a stand for yourself, your future & your kids.
You are worth it, stick with it, you can do anything you set your mind to.
love, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have totally been there and wanted to say that I completely understand that really intense feeling of being let down, financially.
My soon to be x-AH would do the same thing. I was also in school. I felt like quitting but I kept on because I did not want to rely on him financially anymore. I will NEVER put myself in that position ever again.
I got a GREAT job and am working towards a bright new future. You will, too, soon. One day at a time. Hugs, j.
