How do I explain the disease - Al-Anon Family Group

Mobirdie · Senior Member

How do I explain the disease

dnlmangels · Newbie

Hello Mobirdie,
I love your remark about the claws - ha! Boy do I get ya!

I have a five year old and it is very difficult for me to understand what is wrong with his Uncle.
The way I explain it, is simply honestly. I tell him that his Uncle is very sick.

Kids are remarkable and so smart. He asks me when he will be better and I tell him that we can pray for him to get better, and leave it to God because we don't have any kind of medicine to help him right now.

I understand a 12 year old is much more advanced and may not rest on that explanation alone. But I think a simple truthful explanation is the best way.

At least he will have someone to talk to about this, I hope his grandparents are seeking some help also.

I will pray for him.

Thanks!
Leslie

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, this is a pretty tough question. If the boy has anger & resentment built up, I would think he experienced some of the pain of this disease all ready, such as the broken promises, disappointment & betrayal kids experience as a result of alcoholism/addiction.

I think I would explain how we can't really know what something is like until we go through it ourselves and use an example such as, how would you explain what a ranbow looks like to a blind person or what it feels like to swim to someone that has never been or to describe a certain food. I'd do this as a way to begin to help them open their mind to other people's experiences & think compassionately outside of the box.
I would keep it very simple and say some people have an allergy to alcohol and they act in ways that many other do not. Explain about it in a very straight & clinical sort of way. But then I would address his feelings and go from there, guiding him on what is an apporpriate way to release his anger & pain to help him begin to feel, deal & heal.

My mother did talk to me about forgiveness & acceptance at an early age, it made working the program for me easier, I think. I never felt very powerful. I would let him know that he can have power over himself with acceptance & how once we can forgive others for their disease, we can seperate ourselves and learn to detach from painful situations and learn to let people go in compassion.

Another thing my mom said to me is, "if you want to understand than you must be understanding." Helping me to realize that awareness can be painful.

If I were able to help a child this age, I would get them to ala-teen & if a meeting is not possible or near, certainly get literature from www.al-anon.alateen.org for a start. If he is mature enough, he may enjoy an alanon meeting (that's subjective & relative).

I also would tell the newcomer to address their issues and get as much information as possible to make educated choices knowing that the children are as affected if not more so than adults, making it clear, first and foremost this disease is not their fault.

Forgiveness allows us to release pain, it is not a favor we do the other person & it doesn't mean we forget the past. I'd address the emotional issues. He may not care that his mom has a problem/disease, he may only want to not be in pain. It is a life talk, not a one time deal. Open the dialogue. As a kid, I certainly had issues & pain, I simply did not know how to express it.

Having said all of that on what I can imagine I would do (if it were my child, I'd speak to them much younger) know that I am coming from my own ESH & have not been in this newcomer's shoes. Take what you like & leave the rest.

Much love & support, good luck!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sure Toby Rice Drew has an explanation. I would plough through her books and look for it. At one time my mandate was to make it ok for everyone else. Now its to make it ok for me. I certainly understand alcoholism is cunning baffling and powerful.

I really try not to spend too much time around people who have the disease, too exhausting!

Maresie.

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a very good question and I agree with Kitty that it is a lifelong dialogue, not a one time discussion. I would first and formos tell the boy that his mother is sick and it has nothing to do with him. It is not his fault. It has nothing to do with whether or not she loves him. I would teach him the 3 c's. I would tell him that A's are not capable of showing that they love or care for someone that they are in a battle for their life and it is all they can do to survive. If I beleived that his mother loves him, I would tell him that and that she cannot show it.

The most important thing I think though is to repeat all this over and over and over. It took me almost 2 years in working this program to get all that. He is not going to get it until he hears it many times and works it out in his own mind. I would make sure that I as the one teaching him this, was working a good program as well, or I would find someone who is, to help me, help him.

This is all from my own experience, as I have a son who is 8 yrs old. He is adjusting very well so far. He also had problems with anger and resentments, and I have worked with him on finding appropriate ways of letting his emotions out.

I hope this helps. As always take what youlike and leave the rest.

In recovery,

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

Good question, for me I realized our 12 yr old granddaughter was eligable to go to Alateen meetings. Thank heaven they were held in the room next to my Alanon meeting. The time coincided with my meeting. I knew in my heart of hearts that just saying he was sick, didn't take away the guilt, hurt, anger or any resentments she had and will continue to have until she too gets answers and healthy choices.

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

Alateen literature might be a good adjunct to the above even in the absence of meetings. "Courage to be Me" or "hope for children of alcoholics", an alateen newcomer packet....

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