The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I keep thinking about how my A thinks I am neurotic. He always comments on how "bad" I feel about everything and how I worry all the time, etc. The times we have used together- not that distant past- I have always started feeling guilty soon after (the next morning) and often cried, etc. He has said that I am no fun at those times and a "downer."
I know that I do worry alot- obviously. haha I know that he is attracted to "fun" women who can go with the flow, etc. I know that I feel guilty alot. I know that this brings him "down."
I guess I wish that I was the type of girl who didn't worry so much- who didn't do things and then feel guilty. Either do them or not. Don't do them and then feel bad.
I guess I wish that he loved me in spite of all of this.
Wow Co-de...... I'd encourage you to re-read your post, perhaps from a step or two back.... I don't know your whole situation, of course, but here's what it sounds like to me.....
Your A is an A, and still wants to use, drink, etc......
He thinks you should be too, and if you don't, you're a spoil sport....
You're starting to believe his lies.... that this is about you being a "stick in the mud", as opposed to him being an A....
I don't buy it.... he's sick with his addiction, and trying (purposely or otherwise) to keep you down with it/him.
Just my two cents for the day....
Be good to you.... you're worth it
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think the issue for me was believing the A's disease was a demonstration that he did not "love" me. That is one reason the Toby Rice Drew book is a great one to get. Toby really spells it out that the disease is the one who is powerful rather than it being the A. I turned myself inside out for relationships now I don't. Recently I became aware a neighbor is very very depressed. Normally I would make it my "project" to make them feel better and rescue them. Now I don't. I focus on me. I have had to take the entire focus off them and onto me.
I do think it is possible to have "fun" in recovery but I think it has to be that I want to rather than I want people to think I am fun to be with.
I know for me recovery has been about looking at my use of substances. While I have never used "drugs" I certainly drank. Alcohol soothed me and helped me destress. Alcohol also led me to bad choices like alcoholics and to behavior which caused me shame and distress. I gave up drinking when I was with the A because I could see what alcohol was doing to him. I now see alcohol use as a huge red flag for me. I no longer associate with those who use alcohol for "fun". For me it took years to say that alcohol was not helpful in my life. Once I stopped then I no longer had to feel guilty about using because I did not "use" anymore. Stopping certain pain's can be simple. Trying to control what others think of me is impossible.
I have so much more fun in recovery because I GET TO BE MYSELF 24/7- drugs and alcohol are not the path to fun 4 me. Its the loving laughter shared among friends and loved ones. J.
