The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I figure that I am not just the mother of an A but also the daughter of an A. Therfore my life was affected way before the son came aong.
My marriage is in trouble and I don't feel like I want to or have the desire to keep on trying to make it better. I am scared of being without my husband. It is so onesided as I try to make us both happy. I think he could just go on living the way we have been for several years if I just left him alone to do what he wants. Last week he decided he wanted to make a purchase of something that was $1400.00. I told him we do not have the money for that at this time. He was so mad and I told myself that if he bought it I was going to do something drastic. Well, he bought it and I am so angry but have done nothing drastic. My feelings and moods are all over the place. One minute I think it is not worth it and the next minute I am planning to look for somewhere to move....by myself.
If only he would talk to his doctor about things that are going on with him, I could feel like he was trying. I even tried to go to the doctors with him and he would not let me. He is embarrassed I think so it is easier for him to keep up this facade so I will keep myself distant from him. It is a battle I am not willing to engage in any longer. I just wish I could trust myself that I could make it on my own. I have had such hopes of growing old with this man and it is so hard for me to let go. But, this is not the life I want.
I am sorry if this is so off topic but this is the only bunch of people I feel comfortable talking to.
Hi Gail... I don't think it's "off topic" at all.... In fact, when I read your post, it seems very "alcoholic oriented" to me....
One caution, is the proverbial "do as you say, and say as you do".... I'd caution you against statements like "if you buy X, then I am going to do something drastic", if you are not prepared to follow up, as promised, and DO something drastic..... if not, his actions are almost predictable, as he is "testing" you, or simply doesn't believe you.
If I had one hope, it would be that you turn your focus from him, and what he may or may not be doing to improve his recovery..... and turning it back onto you, and asking yourself what you are doing for YOUR recovery....
"He is gonna drink (or buy stuff, or whatever) or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you... Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Gail: Well you can make a plan be and not act on it. Making a plan be for me was hard going but it took my mind off the A who was getting drastically worse. Like your A, the ex A made financial decisions that were disatorous for both of us. He spent all the money. Indeed he felt entitled to it. I did not feel I had it to leave him. I made plans, refined those plans, sought out help (there are agencies that can help). I went to therapy once a week. I kept refining the plan be. I have to say it wasn't the greatest plan be but I kept on at it. I came here and talked about it a lot.
Doing something drastic for you might be making a plan be. You don't have to leave him today, tomorrow or the next day you can plan, look at your options and keep looking at them.
Eventually I did leave the A. Leaving was in stages there was a psychological leaving, a spiritual leaving and a physical leaving. I did leave and guess what I still have problems. They just are of a different nature.
off-topic? I completely relate to the codependency you describe.
MY ex-AH's behavior was very similar. His behavior was sooo selfish and unfair. He could not allow me to be an equal partner. I suffered for a long time in my marriage (because I was too afraid to leave.) I would pray for HP to fix it. I now realize, that I had been praying for an outcome... for MY will to be done. Once I came to al-anon, I began to pray that I would begin to feel some peace, because I contemplated some pretty drastic things myself. I can tell you ... that God responded quickly to that prayer. As I began to focus on what I needed to do to take care of myself, it simply began to unfold. Unfortunate truth about my marriage is, that I was not allowed to have a voice. With this person, there could be no equality.
My divorce was final 5 months ago. Although there are many many challenges (opportunities?) in front of me, I am content with my decision to end it. I keep practicing the steps, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some mornings, I still feel like I want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed ... but I pray for strength... and HP puts me back together again. It is a grieving process, so I try not to be too hard on myself about this.
All I can say is, I completely relate to your feelings. You are not alone. Trust that HP is going to take care of you, no matter what you decide. My problem is, I believed my husband was the one who would "take care" of me. Of course, it was an illusion that he ever did... My HP has always taken care of me and I trust that he will continue to do so.
Take care of YOURSELF ((((Gail))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Hi Gail (nice name...mine is Gaelle - french version),
reading your post made me think of my ex husband. The last drop (one of them) had been over an exhaust pipe at the cost of 1000 euro. It could sound as a joke for many!
About the 'drastic' part...it does not work. I did it over a period of 10 years. It did not get me anywhere as he never took it seriously and when finally I did took the courage to do it (asking the separation, talk about a drastic choice), until the day we went to court, he continued to act as if nothing was happening, certainly sure that I would drop it.
As you did, I tried to convince him to go to see a doctor, ask for counselling, even gave him the number for the AA.
What I can understand from it all now is that if himself does not recognise to have a problem (as it was and still is with my ex husband - for him everything was perfect), we can not do anything about it. It took me 2 years by myself to decide it was not a life for me (and my kids) and that I was slowly 'annulling' myself to maintain a semblance of wedding which was not giving me anything.
Maybe if I did know about Al Anon at that time, I would have been able to act another way, understanding more about the problem of living with a A.
Take care of yourself Gail...all in all, we are the most important person to ourself.
I wanted my soon to be x AH to talk to the team of medical professionals he has about his health issues and he refused and became furious I would suggest such a thing.
He spent so much money on certain things and then did not on others he was supposed to: like our federal and state taxes over the 6 years of marriage...ouch (I just assumed he had "taken care of it" because that is what he told me). I hear ya, honey, its such a button for me, too.
You do need to take care of yourself first and foremost. I got to know myself through this program and came to the realization that I cannot live life with a person like this, co-exist under the same roof or build a life together. I am now on my own and am very very happy that way. But if you would have talked to me a year ago or two years ago, I never could have imagined the joy I am now experiencing.
Keep coming back and get to as many face to face al-anon meetings as possible. You are exactly where you need to be, try to let it all go to your HP because its all going to be OK, it really is! hugs and love, J.
I know I wanted the A to say what they mean and mean what they say. All the while my words were not matching my actions either. Fast forward to threats I made and never followed through with.
In each situation I'm given I work to find my own truths. In other words, I had to learn to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it in a mean way.
I took my inventory with the help of a sponsor to realize my own strengths and areas I found that I needed to work on. One of those areas was deciding where I was being honest with myself.
I have to look at the reality and take off my rose colored glasses and decide "how important is it" when my answer didn't add up to the outcome that I kept repeating, I had the option to make a different choice.
I also had to learn to take life "one step at a time". I couldn't conquer all of my issues in one fell swoop, yet what I could do was "do the next right thing" for my health and sanity.
I answered many of the step 4 questions by making a list, writing out the "pros" and "cons". That better helped me to see where I really stood it also slowed the roll in my head of trying to keep score of those same pros and cons.
I too, married for the right reasons. I have since been willing to evaluate what is was doing to me. Sometimes, I've found, just finding my voice helped. Sometimes just being willing to take responsibilty for my actions. Sometimes it was a matter of no longer pretending I was happy.
You are not alone. It is so sad when our dreams don't work out. I have been alone for 3 years. Selfish, walked out, thinks of only himself, doesn't give back - my AHsober. You can do it. Ask for help. Have a plan. Keep coming back.
Nothing wrong with this post. I can remember wishing so badly that hubby would really tell his doctors what was going on. He was so afraid that he would be kicked out of his therapy if he told them he had been relapsing. I often considered telling them what was going on. But I was reminded to stay out of his recovery. It was up to him to tell them what was going on. If he wanted to share what he told them that was fine. I listened. But I never asked.
I know that feeling of being scared of making it on your own. I am certainly there right now. I have no choice in the matter to make it. If I don't who will take care of Pipers? I was so use to being on my own before he came back into my life. Now I'm there again. I am trying to remember that I found a way to make it then. I must be able to do that now. I hope so. So now, I hang on for dear life. I certainly take it ODAT or more like one minute at a time. This is life on life's terms. I may not like the terms right now, but I have no choice but to be here. He wouldn't want me to give up. Yes, it's a fight every day not to give in. It's the hardest, most exhausting thing I've ever been through. I look for those "moments" to smile. Like watching Piper beg for treats or attack her mice. I hang onto them for dear life. It's what gets me through the day.
Answers come when we are most ready to receive them. Your answers will come. Be patient. If you are ready to move on then start making some plans to do so. You can always change your mind. The point is take care of you and the rest will eventually fall into place. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
