Well, I made it to work today.  Almost called in sick but didn't.  That,  I can say,  is a big progress for myself.  I did not sleep one ounce last night and frankly have been down lately, but I pulled myself up and here I am.  

I spent the weekend on my first snorkling trip ever with my Abfsober.  I was very excited about this trip, excited that he invited me to do one of his things (diving) with him that he usually does with his best friend.  As I explored the underwater, I was thinking how grateful I am to have him and how we go and do so many things together, my son included, that we may have never done if I hadn't meet him.  I tried to have a postive outlook on the whole weekend, we made eachother laugh, enjoyed eachother, I read my books, and in general I had a good time.  But I still felt heavy, like I was not my "normal" self.  In general I felt like I didn't want to or couldn't laugh.  Some of my unproductive thinking and not doing well in my program, came inbetween me and being able to handle better some things that came up this weekend.  Then when we came home, my son was rude again with his attitude and I thought maybe he is picking up on my depression lately.  Which again makes me think of the "oh, I guess I have to be perfect for everything to go smooth", thing.  My fault, my fault, my fault.   

Then I got to thinking...I was doing so well until when...???  And I realized, I started going down hill when my bf came home and told me about something his best friend had said.  They were supposed to get together the next morning to go to the hunting lease.  My bf told his friend that he could not stay, but would go to look.  His friend made a comment and said something like "what...does ms louise have you tied down??"  My bf in turn was upset by this comment and told his friend he would not be going at all becuase HE had made plans with my son and I.  I know my bf was telling me this to vent and to have me see that he does stick up for me.  However, now that I think about it, we have had so much rocky roads with this "friend" that I think it just bothered me more than I thought.  So tonight, I will tell my bf that I appreciate him sticking up for me, but please don't tell me things like that.  That is YOUR friend and I trust you will do the right thing in regards to anything that might come up in the future.  It does me no good to know these things...it makes my mind race, makes me think, well what else does this person say about me???  

So today, after about two weeks of being down, I am moving back up.    
Its funny sometimes, how one little thing can trigger all our bad habits to come rolling back.  Trick is to get back up and start again.  Happy days ahead - I am hopeful!  And thankful that I have all of you!