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Its been 11 days since I spoke with my ex A b/f, now "friend from a distance". As you may recall, I took the advice from members on this board to detatch for a weekend and do things for me. Well, I have to admit this 'doing things for me' is GREAT. These past 11 days have been relaxing, fun, stressfree and exciting. I have spent the past week and a half surrounded by family, friends and my new boyfriend going to amusement parks, the beach, BBQ's, parties, etc.
The reason for my post today is because I am having that urge to call my ex to see how he is doing in rehab. A big part of me says DON'T DO IT, while another part of me is curious to see if he is making progress and just to see how he is. Over these past 11 days, I have done my best to avoid his family and friends.
Last night I was watching the Olympics with my boyfriend and out of the blue he asked me how my ex was. I told him that I havent spoken with him or anyone affiliated with him for a while. He said, 'dont you think you should call him to see how he's doing?' My response to him was simply that he is in a safe place getting the help and support he so desperately has needed for months and I dont think its necessary for me to call him. Then he continued to say, 'maybe you should call his brother to see how he is'. I know my boyfriend was probably just inquiring out of concern because in the past I've spoken to him a lot regarding my ex. I tried so hard to change the subject with him. When that didnt seem to work, I just said that I wasnt comfortable calling my ex at rehab and that I'd give his brother a call during the week to see how things are going.
Now my curiosity is peaked and I have that urge to call someone to see how he is. I just dont want to hear anything negative that could get to my weak side for him. I decided not to call, but instead sent his brother an email. My email was fairly simple:
Hi (XXX)
Just thought I'd drop you an email to see how you're doing and how (XXX) is. I've been super busy lately and now that I have a little down time I wanted to check in with you just to see how things are going. If you get a chance, please shoot me an email to let me know. If you speak with (XXX) please tell him I was asking about him and that I hope he is staying focused and taking advantage of the services available at his rehab. Let him know that he's in my prayers.
Please say hi to everyone for me. If you need anything, just let me know.
Hopefully my email is received well by his brother. My one fear is that his family in a way blames me for what happened this time because I choose to walk away from the situation him and I were in (our more than friend relationship) because according to my ex, thats when he got 'bad' again. If that is true, I'm quite certain that his family realizes it. I know I cant live my life thinking this, because after all I am not that powerful to make someone revert back to their addictions.
I guess time will tell how my email was received.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
It's a slippery slope... sounds like your new b/f is just taking up your cause & may not understand or realize your recent detachment. I may have just said to him, 'I'm trying to detach from that situation but I appreciate your concern for him' ~ what ever ~ like you said, anything to change the subject. We may seem erratic to others but I am so happy your change in focus is working. You sound so much happier & liberated. My concern for you, is that if you heard he wasn't doing well, it may upset you or send you into a tail spin of negative old thought patterns. It is so easy for us to slip, some of mine have taken me years to recover from. As my boundaries get more defined & stronger through practise, those little temptations or attachments have less power/influence over us.
If your ex says you are to "blame" for his latest slip (or if he's spouting that's when he got bad again) he is probably saying that to others, including members of his family. It does sound like blame to me and it is ridiculous. We can no more make them fall as we can make them succeed. We all know if we could, there wouldn't be addiction anymore b/c we could control it. Remember the 3C's always. Remember people that aren't in the program don't really get where we are coming from & they fall prey to being subconsciously enabled and manipulated by the A's as we did.
The temptation (obsession) to call and see how he is shouldn't have any bearing on your serenity & you shouldn't give it the power to influence your day one way or the other. I know you love him and want him to do well. But I've been in your shoes & even just a simple phone call has sent me obsessing for weeks. I just want to give you kudos for where you are now and think of how very different it was a mere two weeks (11 days) ago.
Hold tight to your new focused awareness on yourself. If you really get tempted to call him, read one of your old posts and see where you were ~ that just may snap you back into reality and you'll realize how much saner, more serene & peaceful and happy you are now!
Keep up the good work! We're here for you no matter what you decide or do.
-- Edited by kitty at 11:05, 2008-08-18
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have to practice not knowing myself. I know the ex is alive that is all I need to know. Before like you I could be pulled in so easily and then be "lost" for years. Now I make a huge point of "not knowing".
