The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I took the bait today. He called and "pretended" to be jealous that I didn't call him all weekend etc,.. Told his mom he thought I was seeing someone else though he told me he didn't care who I was sleeping with in a nasty tone. I told him I thought we had better conversations in jail. He said "I know you want me back in jail." I said I didn't say that- just that he seemed nicer in jail. He responded "oh when you had all control." AHHHH....so different from the considerate person I used to have Sunday chats with. Anyway, I ended up asking him if he wanted to come over tonight and watch movies. He said yeah that sounds nice. I told him to call me, but after 4 hours (he was at card tournament) I broke down and called him. He and his friend were grocery shopping for dinner to take to his friend's house. I said I thought you were coming over to watch movies- hated the tone I had too like a little on the whine side. He said I am after we eat. I'll call you right after. Well, this guy lives like 30 minutes away and I can't imagine him driving him back up here. Plus, they know we have no food here. Went to Mc D dollar menu and it hurts my feelings that he didn't call to see if his son and I wanted to eat dinner. Then it hurts my feelings that it hurts my feelings. Need some MORE detachment advice. I know this is the same old song I am singing, but it so helps to get it out on this board. How apparent it is that he chooses EVERYTHING but me. How apparent that I keep looking for signs of affection- even jealousy to justify continued contact with him...I am now going to commit to you all not to make the next phone call. If he wants to talk to me I cannot say that I will not answer the phone, but I will not continue to be the one instigating our connection. What do you think?
I agree with Jerry that it doesn't have to be the same old post. And I also understand that it sometimes takes lots of tries until we "get it". Progress......not perfection. It is indeed hard to break free of a codependent relationship. This board will of course support you in your DECISION to not initiate contact with him. But are you going to meetings? Are you doing more than "wishing" things were better? You've got to do the work. Just as he has to do his work to maintain sobriety. You've got to do your work to be healthy - and maintain healthy relationships. That's up to YOU. Remember that your child is watching your every move. If you can't establish healthy boundaries and relationships for yourself - try doing for your child. Don't let this unhealthy pattern find its way to another generation.
"If he wants to talk to me I cannot say that I will not answer the phone, but I will not continue to be the one instigating our connection."
Sounds like the first baby step to me. Once it is taken, the next step looks a little easier.
Getting to meetings, filling your life with healthy, noncodpendent friends, and activites that have nothing to do with him will help you fight this. While you are leading your girl scout troupe, taking your modern jazz dance class, and teaching your adult literacy student you will not be phoning or answering your phone - you'll be too busy.
Well If you read my history I had the same "old" posts for years. I stuck close to the A for years. I left him and still took care of him. I argued and argued and argued and argued some more with him. Every now and then I broke out of it. Do you read Toby Rice Drew, Canadian guy has a wonderful offer if you would like her books. Sometimes when we get to the place of being in the same old post we are indeed getting stronger. We simply cannot do the "same" thing anymore.
I was hurt by the A's actions for years. Now I am not. Is my life wonderful? Certainly not. Do I wish he were better? Yes but he isn't and I am.
You can stop calling. You can stop wanting from him. You can stop.
Are you familiar with the work of Pia Melody. I found her work on love addiction very very helpful. Focusing on ourselves is so critical and yet so hard to do.
Isn't it just the most freeing feeling in the world when the light bulb finally comes on and we realize we do have a choice!
I was just as addicted to the addict/alcoholic as I was to the drugs/alcohol myself.
Now that I look back over those long periods where I wasn't using/drinking, it was because I was completely 100% enmeshed with the AH.
Every little contact with him, even picking up that phone when he called me, fueled my addiction to him all over again.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
For me, I had to cut the ties completely in order to start healing. I was no where emotionally stable enough, or far enough along in my recovery, to communicate with him at all once I left.
I suffered setback after setback in my own emotional recovery as long as I had ties to him.
Today my life is calm for the most part and I am so incredibly grateful for that.
Today I can walk through the discomfort of change. This too shall pass
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I would highly recomend the work of Pia Melody (you can google her). I think her book on "love addiction" is very very helpful. Personally I see myself in those pages a great. Recognizing love addiction and codependency and working on those issues has been so so key for me.
