New to this, not sure how this work, wondering if anyone has experienced this before? - Al-Anon Family Group

codependent_who_knew · Member

New to this, not sure how this work, wondering if anyone has experienced this before?

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Listen, he is going thru withdrawl. He has NO idea who he is or what he wants. Believe that. In the course of his early sobriety, I'd be willing to bet that he will love you, hate you, want you, need you and be perfectly fine without you. Get ready for a rollercoaster the likes of which you've never experienced.

Comming here and getting to face to face meetings will help. They will take that "gonna be sick" feeling and ease it. Getting to open AA meetings will give you an insight into what your H is going thru.

Now, what can YOU do for YOU? What do YOU want out of life? Start focusing on YOU and how YOU can change your life. Because I will PROMISE you that if you keep comming and work the program, YOUR life will get better no matter what HE does with HIS life.

Soulmates, destiny, fate, we've all been there. Loving an alcoholic is not for the faint of heart. Here's the best news you've had today....you have choices. Believe it or not, that's the truth. You, YOU have choices!!!!

codependent_who_knew · Member

Maybe I dont understand this part of drug addiction, but he went through a 6 day detox and has been in inpatient treatment for almost 14..... shouldn't he be over the withdrawals by now? The only thing he tells me he cares about and is getting better for is his kids....not 'our children' or us......its like he hates me or something.....

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

The physical withdrawl...maybe. But his brain is addicted. In one our readings it say "Distorted relationships that result from drinking still leave many personal problems to be resolved."

Alcohol (drugs) is 1% of the disease. The other 99% is mental. Ofcourse he's mad at you, he blames you and you are a "trigger" (which I do NOT agree with, unless you were using with him or encouraging him to use I think that statement is BUNK). That is all very normal. If you could get your hands on a Big Book of AA it will really help you understand where his mind is. Early sobriety is WORSE than the drinking/drugging on us and on them. If you are still trying to figure him out and why he is saying what he is saying go to some open AA meetings. Get our books (Getting Them Sober is highly recommend by many on this site). Just keep comming back, keep asking questions. You're in the right place!!!!

Chezeen · Newbie

My husband is transitioning between rehabs after being in for 36 days. He has 40 years of addiction. His addiction has almost cost him his life several times and for the last 6 months prior to him going to rehab I touched him every morning to make sure he was still alive. He is home this weekend and supposed to start a partial hospitalization Monday. I am getting the same treatment. It stung at first and I really took it personal. But after watching him for the past few days He is in hell. He is scared. He is doing his darndest to stay sober. That is what he has to do. Stay sober.

It isn't an untrue statement to say he is much easier to get along with when he is using. He is a bear now. I have been on pins and needles all weekend. I have a 22 year old son who is bi-polar and my husband is zoning in on him.

For me the first step was difficult. I have no control over the addict. I am powerless. Let it go. If he loves me, leaves, me, uses, stays sober, I have no control. I have control over what I do with my life. So far I have taken a long walk with my son. Had a smoothie with my grown daughter. Talked to my grandson on the phone about his soccer game. Went to the grocery store and bought pizza for the kids and some bubble bath and nice smelling candles for me. I am sorry for what he is going through, but I am going to be ok no matter the outcome.

codependent_who_knew · Member

Does it make sense for me to go to meetings? to read these books when he doesnt even want to stay married to me, I mean, I will do whatever it takes, but if while he is living in his sober living home for 90 days as he plans ( he serves me with divorce papers)....sorry this is all very shocking to me to absorb, we have a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old that havent seen their Daddy in almost 3 weeks....and I am losing it.....
Thank you by the way for talking to me.....its nice to know someone out there cares enough to respond and can help a little ease the confusion and pain....

codependent_who_knew · Member

I am happy for you that at least your husband is home....at least he wanted to come home, I have a 3yr old and a 6 yr old that are his EVERYTHING and he is moving into a Sober living home for 90 days as soon as he gets out...no coming home....

Thank you for your words of wisdom and I hope and pray you will make it through this too. I never knew in my wildest dreams, he was an addict, he hid it so well....

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

"Does it make sense for me to go to meetings? to read these
books when he doesnt even want to stay married to me"

Yes, it makes a lot of sense because you will be surrounded by folks who have walked in your shoes and can share their energy, strength and hope re: what worked for them..............from how you are feeling, confused, sad, angry to how to deal with preschoolers when their parent is gone for 90 + days. The books are good too.

Before I went to an Al Anon meeting, I didn't think or know anyone who would understand how I was living. I felt more and more out of control with my emotions.
Al Anon was like a big hug as many nodded and had experienced many of the same things I did. Even if you don't speak at the meetings, listening will bring you hope. You can also talk to someone individually after the meeting rather than to the whole group. Keep coming back here too - it's a wonderful support amd resource 24/7.

hugs, ddub

codependent_who_knew · Member

I was encouraged to stay silent and stay out of his way after he is released,.
To not email, text, or call. Not even to try to hug him or embrace him when he
comes here to gather his life and move out and away from me into this sober home...... cry

Also, was told Do not control him at all and allow him to feel he is in control and decide when and where he will see his 3 and 6 year old.....

I have been doing this for the past 5 days when he is been in, before that I sent the I am sorry I am your trigger emails and I am getting help for myself and I am doing my part, I would like to work on our marriage...etc....but just got shut down and shut out like I am some plague or something.....

Its just awful.....

codependent_who_knew · Member

Hi, Thank you for your reply, how do I know which meeting to go to, there are som many different titles for them all, I am confused which one is right for me?

Do you have any suggestions?

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

It is my understanding that when newly sober, they have all they can do to not drink and are literally fighting for their life. They will need to focus only on themselves. It is hard to have any compassion for them when you have kids, house, etc etc but it can help you, if you can try to focus on yourself and not take much to heart that comes from him, detachment readings are found in the index of Courage For Today.

Now, what can YOU do for YOU? Start focusing on YOU, do something nice for you, hug those kids extra times, do just one thing that needs to be done and get some extra rest.

All of this emotion takes a lot of energy. Be very kind to yourself right now.

My AH is still drinking daily, in denial, never gone to treatment and passes out some nights so I do not have experience as others with a sober AH. Re read Serendiipity's first reply to you and keep asking questions.

Take what you want and leave the rest as this is just my two cents.

hugs, ddub

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

You can check this link to find al anon meetings in your area:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

also look on this board at the top where there is the first few subjects sticky

for 'frequently asked questions'. You will find info about the different

meetings and a lot of other good info.

You are asking great questions.

Hang in there, ddub

liljeannie · Senior Member

Hello, and welcome,
I havent been here for that long either, but I will say, coming here has changed my whole persepective...on so many things.
I have been with my abf for more than 6 yrs. He was a heavy drinker when we met, and kept it up the whole time we have been together. I guess I knew he had a pretty bad drinking problem, but was in denial, and ignorance of the disease of addiction led me to believe that if I just loved him enough, kept "on his back" about it, he would stop. Over the years, I learned that he learned very well how to hide what he was doing from me, oh yeah, sure we both knew when he was drinking and then lying about it, but we kept dancing this dance for years.
He finally sought treatment this past July, and I became coming here for my own treatment. I have been labeled as a trigger as well, been called controlling, unpredictable, etc. He has also told me that he doesnt know if he will even like me once he is able to stay sober for any length of time. At first, that was devastating to me. I have been here all these years with him while he was drinking, how DARE he tell me those things. Ya know what....these are HIS issues, NOT mine....and they are not yours either. As Serendipity said, right now, he is fighting for his life, and I think, at least in my experience, looking to find some reason, someone to blame, something concrete to hold onto. Yeah, it was easier when he was using, cuz then at least you knew your role.
By coming here, and posting and reading, I learned that nothing he did or said was truly a personal attack on ME...this disease of addiction is all about them, as well as what they choose to do about it. I thought while he was actively drinking his behavior was bizarre, but honestly, it is nothing compared to the rollercoaster of recovering behavior.
I learned about detachment, and taking care of myself, and find that by simply allowing him to do whatever it is he is gonna do and not reacting, and taking care of ME, that freed up so much space in my mind, gave me back hours of every day and a new, positive outlook on MY life....wow, I HAD choices too. Never seemed that way before. As far as our relationship goes, well, I dont know what will happen , and though that bothered me before, I know now, that ultimately it will be whatever it was meant to be and I am ok with that. This is my life too....just as it is yours. Everyone here has so much to offer, and though I havent gotten to a f2f meeting yet, I know that that time is coming for me soon.
Keep coming back, read past posts, and keep posting yourself. There is a wonderful group of angels here and they have all been where you have been at least one time or another and have so much support, strength and experience to offer, without judgement, which for me was sooo important.
Take care of you....YOU matter too!
seeking peace,
jeannie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.