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As I gain emotional independece from my A, my financial situation is sooo completely dependent upon him. I hate this. I hate having to bite my tongue so that this doesnt get thrown in my face. Today I went to lunch with two of my sons, who are grown and live with their dad, early 20's, a friend, and her son who just got out of a rehab facility for heroin addiction. It was a great day until I called my abf and told him that we were all going to go to a movie. Now, normally, I am not a movie goer, but I dont see my boys more than a couple of times a month, I decided to go, I mean hey, when you can get your kids to spend time with you, it doesnt matter how that time is spent. He totally freaked on me, complaining about how we dont go to the movies together and that now he would have to eat dinner alone, etc. My end of the conversation was overheard and it didnt take a genius to figure out his response, so my son decided that HE didnt want to go. So we didnt. I dropped him off at home and came home here. I didnt say ANYTHING, and I mean that. I didnt want to cause an argument though I was seething inside. I kept to myself, came here, read some posts, read a bit of a book, and tried to keep away from him so I wouldnt blow up. Well, he insisted on poking the bear, and I blew, not hard, but I did let him know why I was quiet, and he got angry, telling me it wasnt HIS fault that I didnt go and how now I was making him feel stupid. Didnt matter that HE made ME feel stupid. So now I am here venting and though its after 10pm, thundering and lightning, he decided to go for a walk. He knows my fear of storms, and though I told him that I wished he wouldnt go, he went anyway....guess its my punishment. I am trying to stay calm and not let this get to me, but dammit, I am NOT his social director and I have friends outside of this life with him. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Good night, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Hi Jeannie! It is great that you have friends outside ot the life with him. I have decided to be my own "social director". I admire you for having friends outside of the life with him. That is wonderful! Keep on Taking Care of YOU!!!!!! Sincerely :) TONYA
I understand your responce and I dont want to poke the bear or know your circumstances, but under those circumstances, I would have would love to hear my wife say, why dont you come along, or we will go another time. My wife uses drugs, so I am not in your shoes, but alot of times there is walls up around her, rather than boundries. There has been many times she has told, please I just want to do this alone with them.....responce has always been no problem or can we do something another time. Hope this you understand my esh...Dale
You know in Getting them Sober they talk about asking for permission. When I lived with the A I asked for permission. When I am at my most codependent I ask for permission. I totally devoted my life around the A. I am one year out now from not being with him 24/7 on so many levels. I have to say it is strange. I do feel like I need permission to give myself space a lot.
I know full well what it is to be dpeendent on another. I could not fathom how to leave the A when I first came here. I went to therapy and came here daily and pretty soon I had a plan be. Then I acted on it. Then I kept acting on it. I did not have a very good plan be actually at all. i put it out there. I worked on it. I took action on it. Things changed. In fact the more I immersed myself in the pan be the less I thought and resented the A. Don't get me wrong he was still mean, ugly, creating chaos. I was less affected by it. When he demanded I stopped "jumping".
I still have a very difficult life. My problems didn't end when I left the A. I struggle with codependency enormously but I am more resilient and less dependent now.
