The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, the A has been staying at his brother's as you know. When I thought he was going to stay here I freaked out, but then when he didn't my feelings were hurt. go figure. The latest "hurt" is that the one night he did come over to see his son we all 3 slept downstairs. He and I on the two couches and my son on a mattress in the floor. I take care of my grandmother who has Alzheimer's and she slept in my bed. Anyway, he apparently told his sister in law that when he stayed here he couldn't sleep in my bed because it was soaked in urine and that my son peed on himself that night and he and I both just lay in the urine. Well, realistically my mattress is in bad shape because of a dog and a 4 year old boy who is not yet potty trained at night. Also, my son did pee on himself the night he was here and soaked his shirt. I did just take his shirt off and let him lay on the couch with me. I gave him a shower the next morning. It's just now I find myself upset and embarrassed and thinking he is mean and I don't want to think he is mean...ahh
The dance of being with an A. You want him to be this great guy, so you can love him and be with him and have everything be great. But he's not this perfect creature - but you need him to be - and he disappoints and hurts you at the same time. I'm sure his brother and sister in law see things pretty clearly. I wouldn't even begin to worry that their perception of you is anything negative. They realize that this is a man who has been in prison and is now basically homeless. He has a son he isn't supporting (and I'm only talking about emotionally), and yet he's going to criticize your situation? Come on.
He's projecting all kinds of negative onto those around him. And can you blame him? His disease can't allow him to look at or take responsibility for the problems he's created in his life. So he's going to look around and start pointing fingers and criticizing other people for whatever he can find. That's what they do. It sure takes the focus off of him, doesn't it?
You sound like such a great lady. You're taking care of your grandmother and your son. You have a lot to be proud of. Don't let this man (or anyone) try to bring you down.
Keep doing what you're doing. And fight the temptation to imagine that he is anything other than who he is. Once you accept him as he is today, then you may get some serenity with the situation. And remember that accepting him as he is today is NOT the same as embracing who he is today. But acceptance brings serenity.
Gosh the A who I was with labelled me with everything in the book. He had me as a psychopath, problem, lazy woman, crazy person, incompetent the works. I think that is one of the sad things about them that they label others as problems. I believe its called projection, put all your bad stuff out there and don't own it.
Of course your life is challenged, whose isn't. My mattress isn't too great either! I don't have a small child or a grandmother to blame just two dirty stinky dogs who make a huge mess of everything! I have no doubt the A has portrayed my lliving arrangements as terrible to anyone who would listen to him. These days I find that really boring because I detached. For years I let it eat at me.
Mind you I don't invite anyone over. I am very very very careful who and how I share where and how I live with others because I don't relish being poor.
At the same time I am where I am and I'm responsible. I think its admirable that you take care of so many others. I also think its sad that you don't see the "disease" in the A. Their thinking has absolutley nothing, nothing, nothing to do with us. You could live in a palace have a inheritance, servants, whatever and he'd find something wrong with it, that's his disease.
Just because someone says it doesn't make it true. How easy it is to make someone else look deplorable so others will look at them instead of us and so we don't have to look at ourselves. Sounds like this is being used on you.
When I finally took the focus off of the A and others in my life I could put it on me. I am happy with me, I like me and I am a wonderful person. That is all that matters. Those who know me love me and would never take at face value pure meanness.
If you are being the best you know how to be what else do you expect from yourself?
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
