The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my A boyfriend has had problems and i've posted about them here. always, he's apologized or made some sort of amend. always, he's said "i love you and i want to be with you forever." i know that may be a cliche, but i'm 42 and very ill and disabled, i live in housing, i'm on the dole completely - i am at the end of the line lifestyle-wise and i know it, so i can see my "forever" already, i can make plans for my forever.
and i planned that forever based on not just what i wanted and needed, but everything he told me, every commitment he made to me, the love and the relationship, and all the plans we made together. including the plan where he treats my young daughter as his own, and was planning a Native American adoption ceremony for the two of them, so she'd be his extended family. we planned to homeschool her together. we planned a family trip for this upcoming weekend. we planned future family trips. we planned a date night on the 22nd when we had childcare.
he left last night, not before taking his anger out on my daughter. he came back today and apologized sincerely to her. but then he told me that he no longer loves me, the relationship is over, he's moving his things out within a week. he said if he does love me it's "as a friend" but that it's been over for a very long time. even when he was making all those commitments, he wanted it to be over already.
he's "broken up" with me perhaps a hundred times. each time, he apologizes the next day. it had gotten to where i understood he breaks up as a form of commitment-phobia and i took it in stride. the last time he said it was "really real" he still came back, platonically at first, then romantically. this time, he says that's not going to happen. i told him honestly, i have no idea what to believe, in my heart i'll still be waiting for him to come through the door and back into my life, because he's done it 100s of times. he just says he hasn't loved me in a long time, and asks how could i not see how awful it was - well how could i?? we were too busy having fun, going places, making love, kissing and hugging, and he was telling me how much he loved me, how he wanted to be with me forever! he just shakes his head, as if i imagined all of it.
so. it's all been lies. i planned out the rest of my life on lies. when i say i am literally at the end of my life housing-wise, financially, etc. i *mean* it. i have exhausted every possile resource, pushed and worked so hard to set up a simple life for me and my daughter. then my boyfriend picked up the slack ... mostly having a car, driving me on errands. no car now ... i am stuck in the boonies, please do not tell me to move, or look for a cheap car, or try to get a car loan, i have tried it ALL for years and my life is how it is. (of course i can grow in mind and spirit, no worries there!)
i'm very confused. he may come back in a week or a day or a month or a year and say he was wrong, and apologize as he always has. or he won't. when will i know it's over? i have a love letter he just wrote me a little it ago, and i have my memories of all the loving things he told me just 2 days ago. how am i supposed to know if this is real??
__________________
To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
I am an oldie, but haven't been on the board for awhile. I wanted to respond to your post.
I know how it feels to go into constant circles with someone and never get anywhere. I know how it feels to depend on someone too for money, rides, ect. I hate the rollercoaster of emotion, especially from someone who says how much they love you. I have a daughter and she is now 14. I left my rollercoaster for her. I think one of my duties is to protect her. I am not protecting her if she is constantly in the crossfire of someone who is constantly confusing her or hurting her. She will grow up maybe marrying someone like the addict and I don't want that. I know it hurts and all but there is a brighter future for you. I lived through my daughter to make my biggest decisions to leave my addict and I never did it for myself. Now, it's for myself and I see that leaving was the best thing in my situation since I know he has not changed and my daughter only has a very small time with me until she goes out on her own and makes a life for herself. My daughter and I have become very close since she knows I would do anything for her, even leave someone who was making 300 thousand a year but couldn't kick a drug habit. I will pray that you are protected and that Jesus helps you through this troubled time. Whatever decision you make, it's for the entire household. I am no perfect person. I have made some really bad decisions and it might cost me when my daughter is on her own. I know i am responsible for some of the bad choices she might make in her life. I have tried so hard to love her so much more and be there to support her more...but only time can tell.
Well what I would recommend is to immerse yourself in al anon. One of our kind members here has offered people the opportunity of sending you a book" Getting them Sober" see the offer in a section above this one. Take it up. Get the book, read it. I know you will relate.
Of course there is no "simple" solution to your problem. Of course many of us have been there, we know what it is to have few resources to really depend on someone and then be let down. None of us here is going to "shoulda, coulda, woulda" you.
The issue is living with an active alcholic is totally draining. Whatever resources you have (and I am sure they are meagre if you say so) are even more drained by no only that issue but by being codependent! When we start addressing our codependence things change. Not in a magical knight in shining armor way. What changes is you. We get stronger, we get resilient, we get to be able to change plans. I was absolutely committed to the man I lived with. I've now looked at that. I was in fact more committed to him than to myself.
There is a saying in certain circles to be able to be "like water'. When we practice al anon we don't stop having hardships. In fact many people here have really experienced tremendous hardship, witness Karilyn in the last few weeks losing her beloved husband. We do get to have the love and companionship of other people in the program. We start to lean on a program rather than an alcoholic
Detaching certainly helps. Detaching takes a lot of work. I've certainly been on the merry go round of break up, shake up, back together with an A. That was never ending for me. Now I do not have a relationship. My be-all and end-all isn't about am I "with" someone. Is someone helping me? Not really. I have had to really lean on myself and some days that's scary and other days it fills me with a lot of confidence. I am also not in the constant merry go round of hope, disappointment, self abnegation that seems to come from being around an active A. Did that happen overnight, certainly not. Do I have a wonderful life with all my needs met. Absolutely not but I do have a program and I have certainly got a vision of where my life can go, poverty, resources or no resources. I know things certain do get better. I do think it is worth "trying" the program.
now that i've had time to think ... i realized, he has been on vicodin for a herniated disk in his back, and they recently doubled the dose. it's not excuse, but it seems logical that his personality changes could be new addiction after being clean for so long.
we spoke shortly today and i asked him, are you addicted to the vicodin and is that why you've been so different for so long? he seemed surprised, then said yes. i told him, work your program, do your process, there's nothing i can do to help other than let him know i can pray for him. he's got back surgery coming up, it may cure the pain, but then he has to get off the drug somehow. i've known other people with prescription addiction and they seem like they go Jekyll/Hyde! so it's making a lot more sense.
i practice detachment pretty well, i'm the one saying he can't be in my life or my daughter's life because of his problems. i've always told him, "go to a meeting or talk to a friend" when he'd try to excuse his problems as being an alcoholic and addict (even tho he's been sober for 2 decades). i can't change him for fix him and i don't want to. but why doesn't it feel good when i know i'm doing the right thing??? all i want are his hugs, to share a joke with him, to craft together, to go on a family trip, to snuggle up to him at night and my heart HURTS constantly, feel like i've been punched in the chest. the nights are the worst so far :(
__________________
To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
