I know exactly what you are going through (though my husband and I have only been married 8 years, and he's never really been 100% sobor).  He too is a late night drinker and not abusive.  He's able to keep a really good full time job, works around the house, etc.....but I just can't stand to see him drinking, I can't stand the smell of the alcohol on his breath.  Everytime I see a glass in his hand, my blood pressure seems to boil and I just really feel distain for him.  When that happens, I try to tell myself that whatever he does to himself is his choice and I can't do anything about that.  I've learned to make myself happy doing what I like to do, and don't expect him to be involved.  When he's drinking, I just go to the other room and let him be.  This is my second marriage and I just (at least at this point) don't feel like leaving the relationship.  We had a huge falling out about a year ago (at the same time I was diagnosed with a life 'changing' disease), and he was all packed to leave....it just didn't feel like the right thing too do at that time.

I sometimes wonder if his drinking problem is more my intolerance for alcohol or does he actually drink too much? I truly think it's a combination of both: Yes, he drinks too much but I also have grown over the years to not like alcohol and all that comes with it. I'm a thick headed person, who likes things MY way and can at times be very controlling!  I'm learning to let go, and allow life to 'just' happen.

I have my issues to work through, and he has his issues to work through.  I try less to focus on what he's doing and try more to focus on what I'm doing and how I handle things.  That has worked for me.

RO- I hear a lot of depression in your share. A lot!!

I am really sorry about that.

You are here on this planet, living a life and have somethings to do. You have a life!! I would encourage you to work our program and focus on you and what you have left to do here on this earth before your time is up. we are so lucky to be here, right here, right now! Sitting around in a depressed funk is not what your HP wants and ultimately its not what you want either- or else you would not be so depressed!!

I know how it feels- really well. I want you to know you are not alone. Please keep coming back- hugs, J.

Thanks for everyone's thoughtful replies.  It felt good to get it all out on paper (uh...screen   As far as "me" and what's good for "me" well....when you've been married for 26 years that's a different concept.  I'm 55 years old and don't want a new mate (not that my extreme loveliness wouldn't attract one  <kidding>).  I've already been over the scenario of living alone and know I wouldn't be better off.  Financially, divorce would be devastating and our children, even though grown, would suffer emotionally.  I can't leave my alcoholic husband because he's too much a part of me and who I am---who WE are.  His photos are in the album, his name is on the checks, his clothes are in the closet, my kids look like him, his towel is on the bathroom rack and on and on.  Of course I'm depressed.  We were supposed to be in our little retirement cabin by now enjoying the fruits of decades of labor, or traveling.  Instead we avoid each other and he waits for me to go to sleep so he can resume his affair with his mistress alcohol.  His brain is already deteriorated to the point where I don't trust his driving so road trips are a nightmare of anxiety for me.  He hates himself and knows he's ruined our marriage but at this point we're drowning in quicksand and are just waiting for...his death, I guess.  Occasionally there's a blow-up but life is so much easier when we back away from the subject.  I'm tired.  Sorry to be so depressing, but things *are* different when you've been married for so long.  I have my hobbies and my own friends (we've long ago lost mutual ones because of him) but I'm still here in this haunted house, where I raised beautiful children, but which resonates with failure.  I have a great sense of my own self-worth, but how could I possibly enjoy it at this point?  I don't feel like clicking up my heels in the face of 26 years down the drain.  Again, it was wonderful to read all your perspectives and advice---thank you.

tms: It's interesting that our situations are the same but your husband drinks in front of you.  Secrecy and hiding his bottle are a very big part of my husband's illness.  I've even said, for god's sake just have a DRINK and quit tip-toeing out to the garage at midnight.  But now I wonder what my reaction would be if I actually saw him.  I've seen him drink ONE beer in 26 years and that didn't bother me as much as watching how his personality changed before my eyes.  I used to look for his bottle and triumphantly shove it into his face the next morning.  Then I learned it was smarter to pretend I didn't know where it was so I could gauge how much he was drinking.  He's drinking about 4 inches down of a 100 proof large bottle every night.  Or enough to make a normal person puke their guts up I guess.  Now he's moved his bottle again so I don't know what his intake is.  It's the secrecy that's another erosion to the marriage.  He says he's trying to "protect me from being upset" by not drinking in front of me, but that's such bull.  The sneaking is part of the disease for him, and probably adds to the experience.  I wonder, if your husband drinks overtly in front of you, that is his way of saying... I don't know.  I guess he's thumbing his nose at you?  Maybe trying to rile you?  Letting you know he's the king of his castle?  I don't know if watching is worse than imagining.  Try to take care of yourself.  I know how hard it is and I do understand.  And for all of you who are in this position---I don't think a true and trustful marriage can survive it.  I consider myself invisibly divorced, or in Divorce Purgatory.

The tools of alanon can help you, in this situation, very much.

A big part of the program, to me, was the realization that it was OK, not disloyal or defeatist, to look straight-on at what I had, without sugar coating.  To say "This is what IS. Is it enough?"  The idea of what a marriage SHOULD be like is useless to those of us married to alcoholics.  All it does is make us bang our heads against a brick wall.

So - is it enough?  The home, the financial security, the emotional security for the children, whatever connection there is after all those years.  Pile all that up, and then look at what else you need for happiness.  Can you find a way to get your joy in life without looking to your husband for it?  There's a lot of emotional satisfaction in this world, and it sure doesn't all have to come from a man who wouldn't know how to give it anyway.  Close friends, children and grandchildren, animals, activities that you really enjoy, spiritual growth, learning, committment to a cause - none of these things have to have a sober and healthy husband in the picture in order for you to add them to your life.  He can be sitting down in the basement drinking - it doesn't mean you have to be sitting upstairs looking out the window and crying.

My husband died last year.  So, all the things I wasn't getting from him because he was an A, I'm still not getting.  I'd be very surprised if I ever got involved with another man in my life, so I'll never be getting a lot of things. And that's OK. There is more than one way to be happy in life.  What satisfaction you get from your life is your choice, not your husband's.

Alanon meetings and readings were a big part, for me, in seeing this, and helping me keep the focus on me.  I'd suggest you get to meetings if you can, and read and involve yourself here. It doesn't have to be this bad.

Your title of, "When Love Dies..." attracted me to this thread. That is exactly how I feel this week.

I don't know if it is because I started Al anon last week, my first meeting or because it has been a tougher week with AH this week...but I feel we have no relationship anymore. It is all slipping away so quickly now.

We have been married for over 40 years. Teenagers when we married. The drinking has been a problem for about 20 years or so but really bad this past 8 years...and as all the literature says...it will only get worse.

So as to brace myself, do I withdraw my love and patience to save myself? This is what has surfaced for me this week.

Step 1. I am powerless over the alcoholic.

Looking forward to Step 2. on Monday night.

Reachingout:

I can relate to your situation.  I have been married 34 years and have 2 grown children in their thirties.  We have a nice house in a great neighborhood, good incomes, and most importantly, the majority of our extended family members, friends and neighbors are loving and supportive. 

But as the years went by, my husband began to turn to the bottle more.  It got to the point where he chose the bottle over our marriage because of his addiction.  The last 5 years, prior to his rehab, was pure hell.

It sounds as though you are minimizing your plight.  I did that too for a long time.  I feared the changes that would take place if I stood up and claimed my true feelings:  I had had enough of my AH's drinking (in the garage, never around me,) the lies (no, I haven't been drinking, I am just tired,)  the worry of another DUI, the worry of his job loss (he must drive for his job,)  the humiliation of neighbors and good friends witnessing his drunkeness, becoming and recluse because of my feelings of humiliation, and so forth.

Through reading books such as Toby Rice's and Eckhart Tolle's and getting individual counseling, I found the courage and strengthen to stake my claim in life.  As Jean posted, we have a right be happy, productive, self-respecting individuals.  I do not think we were designed to be martyrs, to be self-sacrificing, to be someone's doormat.

I got to a point where I was tired of worrying about how others would perceive my choice to separate from my husband of 34 years ( I did so in Aug. '07; we are now reunited after he went to detox and rehab).  When I did inform my family and friends that I decided to separate, I got nothing but support.  (I truly had given up on my husband ever changing.)

I left our home.  I had to move out without his knowing, for I feared that he might do us both in.  He was very depressed at this stage and threatened suicide.  I moved into an apartment for 8 months before returning to our home.  I discovered that living on my own was invirgorating, not scary.  For the first time in years, I came home to peace and the knowing that he would not come home to drink in the garage, come into the house to verbally abuse me, and then crash on the sofa for the night, only to do it the next day and the next.....  During my apartment days, I had very little amenities.  I could have cared less.  It was a wonderful experience.  It gave me so much self confidence.  The experience was priceless. 

As I have said, I have returned home.  Things are going fairly well considering the past.  Healing and growing as a couple is a process.  However, I do suspect that my AH "falls of the wagon" once in a while.  I do not go searching for evidence in the garage as in the past.  I know, without any self-doubt, that if my hunch is correct, it will become quite evident in the near future.  I also know that if he falls completely off the wagon and shows no signs of helping himself, I will leave again, this time for good.

I would rather live in a meager apartment and live paycheck to paycheck, then live with all the material things that our combined income can provide us, then live with a husband that chooses the bottle over marriage.  I am so certain of this that I do not fear the future as I did before our separation.  I can be happy with or without him.  This, I know for sure.  My happiness depends on me, my outlook, my choices, not on what my husband chooses to do.  This truth gives me invaluable peace of mind.

Sorry this is so long!  I hope it helps some.  I wish you the peace of mind that I have found.