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Hi this is my first time posting. I have a sister that is 5 years younger than me with an 8-year-old daughter. My sister is an alcoholic and meth addict. She has been going through this for almost 10 years but just recently came out in the open and sought treatment last year....sad thing is she is only 30.
So my situation is you know - I am so used to being used and lied to by her...detaching and separating from the drama she creates for herself is not a problem anymore - it's second nature - almost likes my own protective shield so I don't get sucked in to her world. My problem is sitting here watching what she is doing to her daughter and doing nothing. She has not seen my niece in almost a month - keeps making promises to her and breaking them. My niece is confused - doesn't even know where she is going to school this fall and they start back in 2 weeks - this will be her 4th school and still do not even know where that is going to be right now. My husband and I took both of them into our home last year when she went to rehab and was participating in AA and NA - we were doing pretty good until (drumroll).....she convinced herself she could start drinking moderately again.....so I put her out after she got intoxicated the 3rd time because we had a contract to live here no drugs and no drinking.....I won't put my own children through that.
She has been back out for about 8 or so months now and I already know it is getting pretty bad again simply based on the things she is not doing - especially where her daughter is concerned. What hurts is the sister I got to know again when she was clean for 6 months. We had countless dicussions about what this would do to her daughter if she started using in anyway again because my niece had really started to depend on and trust her mom again....but now knowing she knows what she is doing to my niece AGAIN is tearing me up. My niece is with her dad, but he, honestly, is no better than my sister - actually using drugs all started when she met him....but needless to say he is always looking for a way to rid himself of the burden of taking care of his daughter....I am trying to stay strong because I told both of them when she started slipping I will not raise her for them anymore so they better figure something out between the two of them...I have stepped up several times and taken her in while they "get their life together" and both have tried to sucker me in recently to taking her again.....problem is they both want it on their terms....nothing legal that allows me to get her medical care, speak to a teacher - just completely raise her, school her, feed her and pay for doing so....how do you decide where to step in when it comes to the affected children of the addicts? That's where I am still struggling - between not enabling my sister but not hurting my niece.
I wonder if it's time to get children's services involved. I hesitate to suggest this because sometimes this cure is worse than the disease - it depends a lot on how well funded and run they are where you are.
What you CAN do, for sure, is let the girl know that none of this is her fault, and that you love her. Model for her what life is supposed to look like.
Lin0606, I appreciate the response...I truly do.. I have tried reporting it to social services before because my niece had missed 29 days of school and complained to me some days her mom/my sister would only give her lunch - not breakfast - because she was usually passed out. Do you know what I got in response....it was not cause enough to investigate....all of this was relative to my sister's drug use and alcohol abuse. I do not understand why a child living in a home where a parent is an addict does not mean the child is subject to mental/emotional abuse....it is almost as if without physical abuse - the rest of it is irrelevant.
I know the last part of your response is what I truly have to do...keep letting her know I love her and making sure the time she does spend with us now is positive. I have made sure she has my phone number memorized in case she ever needs to call me.... I just sometimes wonder if there is more that I could do...the poor child has been to going on 4 schools and 9 houses in 3 years. The instability is really starting to affect her - she is becoming an emotional eater and it breaks my heart. I know modeling for her is important - I just get sad knowing she doesn't have that stability all of the time.
Thanks for letting me talk this out. I know I am doing what God thinks I should do at the moment - further action will reveal itself in His time.
I'm not sure what the exact legal process would be, but there's got to be a way to sue for guardianship. All lawyers do pro bono work; call around till you find the one who knows something about minor law & who's willing to take this on.
I'm sure it would annoy her parents; but is that really the point here?
We had to have social services involved with my nephew, my brother is a meth addict. He was not being taken care of, social services turned him over to our mother, giving her temp. gaurdianship. It's a hard choice to make but in the long run it worked out for the betterment of the child who by the way is helpless.
The hard thing to remember about addicts is that they use even when they don't want to, that's why they're addicts.
I feel a lot of guilt and fear over my sister's children. I have had to "let go" of a lot of it. I tend to be over responsible. I know I have limits. Obviously yours have been seriously stretched. Sounds like you have done a great deal.
I do know for sure that alcoholism is a progressive disease. Sooner or later both her parents are not going to be able to care for your niece. I think in your heart you know that and maybe you want to sort out whether the new caretaker can be you. If it can't believe me no one here is going to blame you or take your inventory.
The issue for so much of us is time. When we are around an A we are always battling time because they do not get better unless they really want recovery.
