The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time in a forum of this type. We recently had a HUGE situation with my partner that has brought all of the crap from the past into the forefront. I will be the first to admit that I am codependant. I am the eldest daughter of an alcoholic mother - with two younger siblings. My second (deceased) husband was an alcoholic. But did I learn anything useful from those past relationships.....no way. I tossed off a lovely boyfriend to hitch up with the fellow who is presently making the lives of everyone around him a living hell. I feel sorry for him right now because he KNOWS he did something really wrong and wants to change his behavior. But there is no way I want to be party to another round of horrific behavior. How do I break the pattern?
It's the same old story...he is a WONDERFUL person when sober, but give him access to a bottle and he turns into a raving lunatic. A close girlfriend of mine who lives the same life pattern told me that she believes the things the drunk says in the heat of the situation are their true thoughts. The very idea that any of the things my partner says to his family while intoxicated are his true feelings makes me want to run away....FAST.
Just venting...don't know what to do or say anymore. Karen52
Karen52, welcome to MIP. I am glad you came here, it is the right place for you. I think that here you can gain some much needed to tools to help you. There are also meetings/chat room on here that you can join in. You should also feel free to read the many posts on here. Gaining knowledge is a useful tool, I believe. This is definitely the place to come and vent, you will receive many posts from the members here. I just want to welcome you. Everyone's situation is different and you will find out how we dealt with ours and you can take what you want and leave the rest.
I felt like, in my situation, that not saying anything and working on myself was the best way to start. I needed to gain the tools I have found here at Alanon to help me rebuild my confidence. I would say one of the first steps I took was to do something for myself, nothing huge but I took time to do one thing just for me. I started by reading a book for 20 minutes a day. It made me feel a little better each day I did it for myself. It was just a start but I needed to start somewhere and I also made coming to the Board a part of my regular schedule too. Not just to post but to read posts too.
I wish you luck and remind you to take care of you.
Thank you wildthang86. As the eldest daughter of an alcoholic the old patterns are hard to break. But I know I MUST break them and fix my life. I have been reading the posts here and finding it useful.
Hey Diva Running away is not an option. THis is MY house in a very small hamlet in the middle of NOWHERE. I can throw him out but he will literally still be on my doorstep. To take the step of running would necessitate selling my beloved home which would NOT happen to fast in this economy...then move on someplace where I would not know a soul. It just isn't an option at this point. Karen52
I would suggest getting yourself to as many alanon meetings as you can. Links to different states' and countries' sites are at al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm
I think the idea of what drunks say being their truth comes from the old Latin saying "in vino veritas" (there is truth in wine), which I think refers to the lessening of inhibitions in a drink or two. I do NOT think it refers to alcoholic drinking, or alcoholic talking, which is quite another thing - throwing blame around so as to attempt to keep it off themselves, throwing guilt around in the hopes that someone else will pick some of it up..... I think the fact that many of them don't even remember what they've said, once they're sober - don't recognize it as being something they believe, even peripherally - is an indication that it's not "truth".
That said, that doesn't mean everything he says is UNtrue, either. It's a cunning, baffling and powerful disease, and "normal" personal interaction strategies don't work with it.
Check out a meeting - they'll have a free newcomer packet of pamphlets for you, maybe also a phone list of others who attend.
Hello, and welcome, My abf also has told me that alcohol is like "truth serum". I wonder if its true or just an excuse. Someone once told me that you always return to what you know. For all of our sakes, I hope not. You said he is a great guy when hes not drinking....IF hes not drinking....I bet a lot could follow those words. We cant base our lives on IFs and WHENs...take care of you first...these are words I learned here, and for me, they have made sense of every thing that doesnt. Keep coming back, you will gain so much here. I know I have and am grateful for this program every day! seeking peace, jeannie
-- Edited by canadianguy at 14:28, 2008-08-18
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
oh yeah, the part about not remembering what they said that was so bad sure hits home. My BF is such a soft spoken, polite, easy going guy when he is sober and refuses to acknowledge that he is COMPLETELY opposite when intoxicated!
I think it is esy for us to fall into thinking "Oh, the guy he is when sober is the 'real him' and the drunk is just someone else." Well, who knows, that may be so, but the trouble is that we can't pick which one we get to live with.
So, we need to learn some tools to protect ourselves. Going to meetings, coming to sites like this, doing some reading, practicing some self care, getting some detachment - all these things help to give you a break from the chaos. A way to step back, take a deep breath, and think about what you really do want from life, and how to get it.
Some people find that using alanon tools is enough to make it possible to continue living with an active A. Some people find that they gain the strength to leave a situation that they no longer want. I can't tell you what YOU will get from alanon, but I do promise that if you make an effort to follow the program, you will find that your life changes.
