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If you have read my last post I have been down lately. Very stressed, family issues, abfsober lost job, etc. So for the last couple of days, I have not been smiling too much. My bf keeps asking me what is wrong, what has changed? Frankly, now-a-days, I am trying to work out some of my own stuff by myself and not rush to him with every little problem. And I have been doing good. Iv'e been talking to friends, my meetings or I come here to express what I need. In the past, when I have tried to explain what I am feeling to him, he bascially gets all stressed out and can't handle it, or instead of just being suporrtive, has some remarks to make me feel worse not better. So I have told him, that there are some things I just have to work on by myself, its not personnel, just to give me some space. And he said he understood this. But you see, he doesn't like it when I get quite or when he doesn't know whats going on. Can you say, catch 22? So he keeps persisting and keeps asking me whats wrong. He even has said, "I hope that Al-Anon isn't teaching you that you can't talk to me because I want to be partners". I said I do too and we are, but there are some things I can't talk to you about. Its better if I take it to a member or a meeting. But last night he kept persisting. So, I told him very camly:
I said I am just a little stressed thats all. I am not one to worry about money, but you loosing your job, and with my new car payment, we just are going to be really tight, and I know without a job, you get very antzy about being home all the time, and I won't be able to do alot of things like we did before, and that stresses me out. And it just seems, like when everything is starting to go well, alot of stuff happens all at once. And I just get tired of fighting for the good stuff all the time especially when we have been working so hard on doing well. Also son has started the 2nd grade and he struggles in school and I want him to do well, but I am afraid I will not be effective in helping him learn his homework (I am a horrible student) and have no idea on how to help him and that is stressing me out. Also, he is just 7 and he will test us non-stop and is not going to act well all the time. (bf doesn't have children) I want him to be disciplined, but I don't want him to be nagged on 24/7. That will make him immune and nothing will get better. Bf comes back and says, "well IF we ever get married I will not have a child that acts that way." (like he is giving me an ultimatim or saying if I don't do this or that, then it will never happen...funny, all the time before it was WHEN we get married, we're a family ect.). When bf was drinking this used to be one of his main things he could use to purposelly hurt me - Me and my son and how effective I am at being a mother. He would actually sit and watch me and my son and just wait for something he could use so he could tell me what a screw up of a mother I was and how bad my son was, etc. and how perfect he would be at parenting. He would always say, I would never let him get away with that, if I had a child, I would do this and that, I wasn't raised like that, my mom never let me get away with that, etc, etc. I used to tell him until you have a child, you can say all you want on how you would do things, but when it becomes a reality, then you'll see how you'll handle it.
I was surprised he had said something like this now, because he hasn't said anything like that in a long while. The conversation ended by me saying I don't appreciate comments like "IF I marry you" because it hurts, all I want is for you to listen sometimes, I am not asking your opinion, just listen. I told him I have never said things like "well do you have a job, or a car, or if you don't stop complaning about your boss all the time, I'm not going to marry you so get it straight!" He said he was sorry and he didn't mean it like that and that was the end of it.
On another note:
I could use some advice regarding my son if anyone can help? He does have a bad mouth, he talks back alot and is rude at times. I have tried everything, time outs (which don't work), spanking, it seems to get better for a while, but then he will go back to same bad mouth. My mom watches him while I am at work and she had him for the summer and she does not discipline him at all - he really will talk back to her - she will wait on him hand and foot, and if I try to discipline him while I am there, she has givin me alot of flack - like don't do that to him. Have tried to talk to her about this, but it never gets resolved. I just at the end of my rope. Don't know what to do there. Any ideas would be appreciated.
I also feel kind of bad, because in these posts all I talk about is the bad stuff, but for now, this is my place to vent. I am grateful for alot of things I have in my life - my son, my abf sober, and my program (although not working it the last couple of days has put me back some ) Anyways, as always, thanks for this board, letting me vent and the people here.
I almost feel like in some ways I am walking a parellel line with you. When people hurt, seems especially A's, they feel the need to point out flaws in others, as it is far easier to put blame on someone other than themselves. In my experience, even though you told him how you felt and what you needed, and he said he understood, he didnt....the reality is its all about him. As far as your son is concerned, kids will test us, every day and every way. I have some experience with kids, having my own, who are now grown, and being a teacher and working with behaviorally challenged kids. For a while, try not reacting to his behavior, not responding to his potty mouth, and focus on the good things he does and says. Unfortunately, kids are not as innocent as they seem, especially when life around them is changing so much and he may feel insecure and fearful in his own home/life. During the first few weeks of school, they learn the rules of the classroom, and they learn the consequences if they break those rules. Now may be a good time for you to set some new rules and consequences at home, and follow through. Be clear and reasonable with these rules and follow through at all times. Its tough, I know, but I guarantee you will see positive results over time. If you dont react the way you did in the past, there is no joy in it for him. He is simply looking for his boundaries and calling out to you to help him find them in the only way he knows how, by misbehaving and getting your reaction. Kids will do anything for attention, and if all he knows is negative attention then that is enough to reinforce his behavior.... I hope this helps, keep my posted, I care. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
In different schools, we would use different methods. At his age, it could mean that for every good day he has he could earn stickers, and once the week was done, if he had all smiley stickers, there would be a prize....make it something that he really wants, but nothing too big, maybe going out for a pizza and bringing a friend, going to rent a movie or to the movies, etc. and only when he makes it through a full week. When he doesnt get a smiley sticker for that day, calmly explain why and let it go. He WILL catch on. Some would call this bribery, I call it making them responsible for their actions and behaviors. I've used this and have had VERY good results. Just like with us, its progress, not perfection! Good luck, and Im here for ya! jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Thanks liljeannie! I appreciate your advice and will definately try some of your ideas! I guess my A was feeling a bit stressed himself, wondering what has been going on with me the last couple of days, so maybe thats why he gets the way he does sometimes? Who knows ? I feel its time to get on with things...I have been dragging for two days now and thats long enough! Anyways, I am going snorkling this weekend for a much needed break. Should be very relaxing and fun! Wish me luck - I've never been before! Thanks again!
I would suggest u read all u can on one day at at time , find a page u can actually work and stay focused on enjoying the day , worrying about what can happen and most likely won't is a waste of a good day . jUst get thru the day , enjoy sobriety and your son . an always do something nice for yourself every day ,even if it's a coffee in the hot bubble bath your going to go buy yourself . hehe. I smiled when u talked about wanting to talk to bf about how ufeel , I have learned that they just want to fix it like u mentioned not good at just listening , al anons listen and don't fix. As for your son , well this is in hindsite (keep that in mind ) hindsite is always perfect. I started to take things away from my sons when they were disrespectful , a fav recreation activity or no allowance for a few weeks , I eventualy had to sit oneof my sons down and told him I loved him but didn't like him one damn bit and until he could start treating me with some respect he wouldnl't be getting any from me . being consitant is the hardest part I have found . I was a screamer when raising my sons until I got to al anon always nagging about what they didn't do never praising what they did do . When I stopped hollering and nagging my sons calmed down and thier voices lowered to a respectable level , so i f i want to be treated a certain way I once again learned that I had to be prepared to treat people the same way . Don't worry about your son an school perhaps u can find tutors for him , m akes things much easier for you and then u can stop beating yourself up . You are a good mom but like I was told there is always room for impovment . hehe hang in there keep doing what your doin and relax . and good for you for pointing out to your b/f about his comment about If he marries you . You have a right to say how u feel , the hard part for me was to not expect that anything was going to change , it's just important that u speak up . Louise
Thanks, abbyal. I too am a yeller. Comes from the italian side in me I guess! I have to catch myself sometimes and I realize yelling is very ineffective. I will also try to point out alot more of his positives!
Do you know how long it has been since I have taken a bubble bath? Do I even remember what Calgon is??? Sounds wonderful!
Couple things you might find useful with your son - pick your battles. Not everything is worth going head to head with him about. - seven is old enough to understand what you want from him and why. Often if you explain the reasoning behind your request, he will listen better. - if you want to be treated with respect, you must treat him with respect. Getting his input on things that concern him, apologizing when you are wrong - at first glance it might look like this would make him respect you less, but it doesn't work that way. You model the behaviour you want him to follow.
If you read with him every night, you won't have to worry about his grades. Good grades will follow almost automatically. Find fun books that you both enjoy, don't worry too much about them being 'appropriate' (Captain Underpants is a big hit at this age) . This will also improve your relationship, and better behaviour will follow that. Playing cards is good too - teaches math skills, improves the relationship. Doesn't have to be an 'educational' game - you can teach him to play blackjack if that's what you like.
Hi catch. I am new here, but not new to the program. I have a 14 year old who is in recovery. I am proud of him but it is not an easy road. I don't have any great advise, but you are in a good program to deal with the ^^%^%#@)*!!. susan
) Anyways, as always, thanks for this board, letting me vent and the people here. 
? I feel its time to get on with things...I have been dragging for two days now and thats long enough! Anyways, I am going snorkling this weekend for a much needed break. Should be very relaxing and fun! Wish me luck - I've never been before! Thanks again!