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Hi, My husband is 30 years sober , son alcoholic...sometimes drug use. Son has a history of depresssion, and escalating alcohol use, has lived away, then home for a couple of years. He left home abruptly 2 weeks ago to get work in a new city. Detaching...with love is my aim. I have been back to Alanon after years of absence. Tonight I am skipping a meeting in case son calls.It is his birthday and last year he got quite out of control as he was depressed in the way his life was. Got a call a 4 days ago, I was out. He has lost his wallet, and car impounded, no money, no way to access bank account. Previously(and many times) we have bailed him out. My H told him"What do you expect me to do about it, figure it out yourself" Okay, we had agreed not to enable him any more...but that sounded harsh to me. He was told to call us back when he decided what to do. Ok,he has not called and I am thinking he is living on the street..which is pretty scary to me. I cried a lot. but am trying to leave him in Gods hand...when he lived away before ended up on the street, beaten up, all his stuff stolen, wallet stolen etc. I know he has to face the consequences of his choices. Worst fear, he had no ID...if something happens to him, in a strange town, we will not even know. Ok...dwelling on this. Help, what to say if he calls again...want to show love, but not fix things as previously. Mother T
Well this detachment is hard work and very painful but necessary , all he had to do was go to bank and report his card lost get a new pin and access his account . husbands can be alittle harsh at times and tho we agree with them it's still hard to listen to . I have the same problem with my husb he is curt and blunt and I think u can't t alk to my son that way hehe I forget he is his son too and he loves him as much as I do . duh !! stand firm and remember he has a higher power too he wil take him where he neds to go . Louise
(((Teresa))) I see two people you and your H who agreed to detach from their AS and not bail him out or fix his problems as the two of you had done numerous times in the past. I think you both would love to see your AS thrive on his own.
Your H's choice of words when your AS called is the difference. Whether they were a good choice or a bad choice they were his choice of words to express and make his point to your AS that the well was dry. Dads are a little blunt sometimes. Most of us picked that up from our own Dads.
Mothers do usually have a softer touch and express their thoughts with more grace given the same situation. As a rule when my children have been in trouble they have headed in their mothers direction first. In most cases they received the same answer as I would have given them but their mothers choice of words were a little different, softer, and gentle.
Your H might have seen this as his first test of this detachment and saw it as a black and white issue with no gray area left in the middle, and he made that very point to your AS.
The most important thing is that the two of you do agree and reading between the lines have had a lot of discussion about this detachment. When a decision needs to be made regarding your AS it is much easier when you can bounce in off one another.
And with a name like Mother Tersea, I venture a guess that you will know exactly what to say and the perfect way to show him your love when that time comes. Dads love their children just as much, but Mothers can always express and show it so much better. That is the reason they call it a "Mothers Love".Good Luck, and don't forget HP is in charge. RLC
Thanks for encouragement in detaching...letting him deal with consequences. Unfortunately, you need ID(which was in his lost wallet) to access your bank account and get a new bank card. T
Aloha Mother Teresa!! (gad that seems strange considering the "of Calcutta" isn't attached to your ID) The other Mother Teresa had a poem; I'm pretty sure that it was originated by her, that was entitled "love anyway". See if you can find a link to it. It might be helpful to you and your alcoholic husband.
I am a recovering A and a fulltime member of the Al-Anon Family Groups as my primary program. I have never heard a philosophy so powerful anywhere as from our programs in; "Abandon yourself to God as you understand God..." In both program that suggestion is foundation. For the alcoholic so that he or she attaches to the only possible power that supports "spiritual" recovery and releases them from the compulsion to drink. For me in Al-Anon it supports "spiritual" recovery and release me from the compulsion of getting in the way between the alcoholic and their HP. I am a caring, loving, man. It was only when I completely took my hands off and out of the life of my alcoholic wife and surrenders both she and myself completely to God that without my knowing or direction she got sober in a way that I could have never designed or predicted and that later became my present example of total humility.
If you trust God, why worry? If you worry, why trust anything?. Let your alcoholic son meet up with his HP. Get out of the way and love him anyway.
I am excited that you have returned to what works. Welcome home.
They have ways of getting you your money without ID. There are ways to be verified at the bank. The reality is he probably spent all his money and doesn't have any. My ex husband was like this, he's in prison at the moment and will be out on our son's 7th birthday. He's 41 and still hasn't grown up. I hope one day he'll get better and be a father to our son and at least a friend to me but I don't honestly believe in my heart that it will happen. I would have to be convinced by long term showing of example. I have been given 2 years of examples of how he is now I think it would take 2 more for me to believe that he is on the right path. I think what it comes down to is that it takes whatever it takes for that person and we don't know what that is for them. My ex lives on the street on a regular basis. He goes to prison on a regular basis. He has lost everything that is important to him. Could be like Robert Downey Jr. who went to Burger King one day got a bad cheeseburger and decided to get straight. Nobody knows what it takes but the person living that life. I hope that one day a lightbulb will go off in his head and he'll come out of the daze and say what am I doing with my life????
What would YOU do if you lost your wallet? You'd find a way, right? Well, so can he. You learned how to navigate through life, and so can he.
It sounds harsh, but it isn't really. He learns how to stand on his own feet by doing it, just as we all have to. Assuming that he can't figure things out, and jumping in to save him, just shows him that you have no confidence in him. How can he then gain confidence in himself?
, son alcoholic...sometimes drug use. Son has a history of depresssion, and escalating alcohol use, has lived away, then home for a couple of years. He left home abruptly 2 weeks ago to get work in a new city. Detaching...with love is my aim. I have been back to Alanon after years of absence. Tonight I am skipping a meeting in case son calls.It is his birthday and last year he got quite out of control as he was depressed in the way his life was. Got a call a 4 days ago, I was out. He has lost his wallet, and car impounded, no money, no way to access bank account. Previously(and many times) we have bailed him out. My H told him"What do you expect me to do about it, figure it out yourself" Okay, we had agreed not to enable him any more...but that sounded harsh to me. He was told to call us back when he decided what to do. Ok,he has not called and I am thinking he is living on the street..which is pretty scary to me. I cried a lot. but am trying to leave him in Gods hand...when he lived away before ended up on the street, beaten up, all his stuff stolen, wallet stolen etc. I know he has to face the consequences of his choices. Worst fear, he had no ID...if something happens to him, in a strange town, we will not even know. Ok...dwelling on this. Help, what to say if he calls again...want to show love, but not fix things as previously. Mother T
