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My husband is a constant complainer: his job, little things that happen, our house, how he feels, etc. I would wager that at least 50% of his comments throughout the day are negative. He whines and whines and does little or nothing to take care of his problems.
This has been going on since we married (ten years), and I've always just listened without saying much. (Or tried to make it better. Which I'm in the process of getting OVER.)
I don't want to listen to him complain anymore. Do I just say that in the course of a 'normal' conversation about how terrible his work/boss/life is? "I love you, and I'm not going to listen to you complain anymore."
Just the thought of saying that makes me feel anxious.
Jen, I related to your post. My Hubby was exactly the same way. I tried my best to not let it rub off on me. I must admit, it is unattractive. My hubby is now working AA and doesn't say much of anything (and thats still annoying).
I'd only say that if you were willing to back it up - what if he keeps complaining? What will you do? Are you willing to walk away every time he starts complaining, and are you willing to deal with his reaction to this?
What it seems to come down to, over and over, is that we can't change other people. We can only change our reaction to them. I have found, in all parts of life and not just in relating to my A, that when I try things in order to force a change in someone else, it always backfires.
I know what you mean, though, about the complaining. After my husband had sobered up, and we had got through those first few very rocky sober years, the only real problem I had with him was that negative attitude. You could have handed him a million dollars, and he'd complain about having to pay taxes on it, or how heavy it was to carry around.
The best way I found for me to deal with it was to remind myself that I didn't have to take on his attitude. It was just as OK for me to be positive as for him to be negative. And when i really couldn't take it any more, I'd go for a walk or something, get away for a bit.
I love your comment about the million dollars -- so true!
It'll be a switch for me to just not let his negativity influence my mood, instead of turning into a martyr. I'm looking forward to reclaiming my positive self!
that is part of alcoholism drinking or not , negative . same in our house when drinking I used to just say I am really sorry u feel that way about your work and walk away , I got tired of trying to make him feel better . sheesh and quickly change the subject . finally I got angry too and said to him u are the m ost negative person I know isn't anything in your life ok ??? he looked at me like I was nuts and said well I was just trying to make conversation and stormed off . but his attitude changed a little when i stopped supporting his mood . It's alcoholism plain and simple detach . Louise
Your suggestion might work. There are no guarantees to the changes we attempt to make and thats okay for me today because the changes are only for me. The Serenity Prayer asks that I be granted the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the Courage to change the things I can. Anxious is normal for us from the start. Doing new things without guarantees, awarenesses or experience are supposed to make normal people anxious. Courage is fear that has said it's prayers...from our literature and helps me to focus on not how I think others might react but how the change will better my life and character. A different way of looking at the picture.
I have been there on both sides. In the past I have been very negative and recognized it whthin & not liking it decided to makes changes. Now when ppl around me are negative, I am sensitive to it. In the recent past, aonther's bad mood definitely would have taken over me as well. Now I have been working on my inner boundaries so that when my loved ones are disturbed, it's okay for me to be okay. It doesn't mean I lack compassion or empathy, it simple means I don't have to be a pwan in life anymore, subject to other's whims & moods. I can be content, safe, happy no matter what is going on around me.
I wouldn't begin to know how to suggest you say anything to him or not ~ as another mentioned, there may be some consequence for coming right out with it or he may shut down and not talk at all. If only my exAH would have stopped talking, I might have stayed with him even longer!
I would definitely get out for a walk, bike ride, trip to a store or into another oom, reading a book, woriking on a hobby. I do however point things out, especially things that bother me and I like abby's idea of "sorry you feel that way about your job" and let it go & walk away. That's got to be more effective than what I'd probably do is say, "wow, you're really negative today maybe you could try something else - a new job - no harm in looking around to see what's out there, maybe he'd find that he can appreciate his situation.
I love how you write, you are no longer trying to make things better for him, no doubt you've tried & seen it really doesn't work anyway. It took me so long to get to that point, I want to congradulate you for being there now.
I had to unplug from everyone else (I was pulled so thin by all of my obsessions) and genuinely plug into *me* and it was very very hard for me b/c I had never done it before. A year or two later, I can say more of what I want and need more easily and I am able to love myself, sure it's new & not very big yet but each day I have the opportunites to grow with it. Now I see self protection as self love and it's something I never really had before, so it's getting better.
Hang in there, keep posting & sharing. -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I was raised by very complaining negative people, giant worriers, etc. so this stuff is highly toxic to me. I did not know this, however, before I got into al-anon. Now, I avoid whiners, hoseheads and complainers like the plague. When people get into a good whine-fest I politely excuse myself or make an excuse to get going. I am not rude about it, it is simply not the way I choose to spend my time. Part of this has to do with gossiping also and I stay away from that as well.
I was married to a very negative man. We are getting divorced. Not once in 6-7 years together did I ever hear him say: "gee, what a beautiful day it is" or "I had a great day today". Not once. Its really simple- I refuse to spend much time around haters. I do not try to change them. I just ignore them and go on my merry way! Hugs, J.
I can't thank you all enough. The negativity in our house has been so constant--and, for the first time, I realize that it's not my job to change that.
My husband did his usual whining last night, but this time I didn't attach to it. I didn't say anything, not because I was enduring his complaints like I've done in the past (and so getting resentful), but because I simply had nothing to say. Really, what is there to say when he's going on for the millionth time about how stupid his boss is? Nothing.
The difference is that I don't have to try to understand/agree/support/suggest fixes. I don't have to try to stop him, either.
I can just keep my own heart and mind to myself while he does his thing.
AND--who knew?--when I stopped getting sucked into it and just let it be, I started noticing the things he said that weren't complaints.
So glad to see your post - sounds like trying something different really did change the dynamic.
I'm been thinking about my reply to you off and on all day - hoping that it wasn't too negative (!) and put you off.
I guess what I was trying to say is that we have to lose our expectations - I know that I spent years feeling that if I only had the courage, if I could only find the right words, if I could only get him at the right moment, something I would say would make everything different and he would change. Of course, that's not the way it works. What finally made a difference was when *I* changed, and he started to change in response to the changes in me.
Ohmigosh, no! Your blunt reply was great, especially this part...
<<I'd only say that if you were willing to back it up - what if he keeps complaining? What will you do? Are you willing to walk away every time he starts complaining, and are you willing to deal with his reaction to this?>>
That was what really stopped me in my tracks about giving him an ultimato about the complaints... and I really get that it applies to everything. I can't change him one tiny little bit. I can only change myself.
My sister is a 15-20 year AlAnoner, and she's as blunt as they come. Feels like love to me, so bring it on!
Jen57 wrote:My sister is a 15-20 year AlAnoner, and she's as blunt as they come. Feels like love to me, so bring it on!
Wow Jen - thank you for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes - really. People in my life - mostly peripheral people, but not exclusively - have constantly been offended by my bluntness, and so at various times I have bent over backwards to try to "say what I mean but not say it mean". What a gift to think that for some others, not just me in the entire universe, blunt isn't mean at all - quite the contrary. Just need to be on the lookout for more of us, I guess. Thanks again.
Which I'm in the process of getting OVER.)