The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I start this post, my stomach is churning and my hands are shaking. Today I am going to my abf's grandfathers b-day lunch. I am very fearful of what may happen and how I will handle it. In a past post, I explained about a family occasion that I was not invited to. My A's parents are divorced, so only one family member that would have been at the other occasion will be there today. Though she was not directly involved in the exclusion, I am sure she heard all about it and my email to the other family member. This person is my bf's sister, who he really doesnt have any contact with other than at family occasions. I guess she learned about detachment a long time ago. I dont know how she will behave towards me, and because of this, I am really dreading going. There is a big part of me that just wants to stay home, and there is another, albeit smaller, part of me, that wants to go. I dont honestly believe that she would say anything to me, as this would not be an appropriate time or place, but not knowing how she feels and imaginging the worst, is physically making me ill. I just feel she will be looking at me and thinking the worst possible thoughts. Im just so confused. jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
I love the Al-Anon saying "what other people think of me is none of my business." To me, it means that it doesn't matter what someone else thinks about me--if I am living in reality and know the truth about me, and if I am ok with it and with my HP, then it doesn't really matter. It took me a long time to accept that I wasn't placed on this Earth to make everyone like me--even family.
So, in situations in which I am feeling that gut-check feeling I try to find time to pray about it (give it to my HP). I ask myself why am I putting myself in that situation? If it is not for the right reasons, I re-think my actions. If I am still confused, I seek input from my Sponsor or another Al-Anon. If I am certain that I am putting myself in the situation for the right reasons, then I start working on "Let Go and Let God" well before I get there. I remind myself that I can only control myself. I try to make sure that I act and speak with honesty and respect. If a disagreement occurs, I try to think about "How important is it" and if necessary, I use the awesome tool "You may be right" to remove myself from the situation. I also remind myself that I don't have to explain myself or give the back story of my life to everyone--even family. I have a choice about what I share and with whom. Finally, I keep in mind that I am not my A, it is not my job to explain or run interference anymore. If anyone asks about him, I gently suggest that they ask him directly.
Hang in there, stay focused on why you are going and give it over to your HP.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I think this is the first post of your I have read, so I'm not really sure about the back story or what has gone on between you, b/f & b/f's sister. I do know that I don't like most of my extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles) so it's not so much detachment as just nothing there. If she is good at detachment, I don't see why anything would go on. If she's not and involved ~ who knows, nothing still may occur. Is there something you need to make amends for or are you looking for an apology?
What I do know, is if I am dreading something & there is some emotional entaglement, I try to write out feelings & issues, so that they are clear for me and if anything comes up, I may have a few words to rely on as opposed to being caught off guard w/ nothing to say, looking like a deer in the head lights. Sometimes just saying I didn't understand at the time can rectify a situation & re-open dialogue.
I do know that when I dread things or project, I imagine them to be much worse than they actually are. I have skipped out on lots of occassions that i had wished I had participated in. Choose to have a good time, in spite of what else is going on. If an opportunity arises to exhibit some emotional intelligence, that's okay too. Some times the healthiest thing is saying nothing.
If you want to go & want to be there with your b/f go and make it great. Just b/c other's get upset, it doesn't have to disrupt or effect your serenity. Maybe this opportunity is simply an excersize to experience just that. My program & serenity really took on a new level when I began to develop strong inner boundaries & choose to not get upset just b/c other's were. Now I am much calmer & have less anxiety in general.
I try to remember that when problems arise, they are opportunities for growth. Good luck & hang in there, a friend in recovery, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
