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This morning I am of mixed emotions. I noticed that I put alot of pressure on myself and it is tiring. Does anyone else feel this way? Like if you are having a bad day or even a moment, that you think - shouldn't be doing that, or shouldn't think that way. I just get tired of "working" on things all the time. Can't things just "be" for once? Can anything go right? I am working so hard, and then things just seem to take a step backwards no matter how hard you try. Like my Al-Anon meetings - I know I need my f2f meetings. I go twice a week. My mom said she would watch my son so I can go. Well, she has given me the gilt trip on "do you have to go twice a week?", "what are you going to do when son starts school - that is too late to take him to a meeting and he really doesn't need to be hearing that stuff, he is only 7". (which I said I would have to do if she couldn't watch him - I can't afford a sitter).
Then, my bf just got laid off. Great. He will be out of a job for who knows how long. He'd always complained about his job anyways and how much he hated it, so I the past couple of weeks I have asked him for his resume like 3 times to help him find something else, but I will not ask again. If he wants a job, he can look himself. I'm tired of helping. So today instead of going to the unemployment office, he is going to his hunting lease with his friend. Said he will go tomorrow. Good for him.
Then on another note, I was able to take my son to school today. I walked him in, got him to his class and I was walking out looking at all these tiny little kids walking through the hall? You know what the first thought of mine was. I looked at all these kids and thought, "I wonder how many of these kids will be addicts?" I can't believe that was the first thing in my head. How horrible. But when your raised in addiction and are in a relationship with a addict, what can you expect? What a good outlook for these little kids, huh? I am so fearful for mine. And to be honest, when my mom says that she doesn't think the Al-Anon meetings are good for him, I think, why not? I would almost rather him hear all about the bad stuff that can happen. Anyways, just venting today I guess. Its just hard sometimes. Trying to have a positive day, but I feel like I have'nt smiled in days. Just don't feel like it. No real reason, just mentally drained, I guess. Thanks.
Hm. Sounds like your mom may have a misconception of what goes on at alanon meetings. I can't think hearing how people live in a healthy way would be bad for him. And in any case maybe he could be in another room with a book or something.
Sure, I have days like this too. Usually means I'm not taking care of myself - even if it's just getting enough sleep. Sometimes "enough" sleep is more than I think it "should" be, but where did I get the idea that there's a "right" amount of sleep? Emotional & spiritual work is tiring, just like physical work, and there's nothing wrong with honoring that.
Good for you for leaving the responsibility for finding another job with the person who needs the job.
wow, ur def not alone there! I have been so sick & tired of working on me that I have given up at times before... I don't think taking a break for 24-48 hours is a bad thing at all but I tend to go to extremes & take major breaks which turn into genuine slips in my own program and I can no longer afford to do that. I have allowed other ppl's fear & lack of understanding affect me at different times & stop using the resources that are the best for me. It doesn't matter that other's don't understand. I don't have to allow it to enter my brain waves. In fact nowadays if they can't appreciate the fact that it is helping me & it's free therapy, I just drop it like JADE: (don't) Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. I just remember where I get the support for my emotional growth, what is best for me and leave them out of it. Some ppl can never understand. My mom is married to an alcoholic and she still can't understand why I choose to come to al-anon.
I personally feel that talking to your child about these issues is a very wise idea. People think kids don't "know" what is going on ~ quite the contrary, they feel what is going on, they just don't have the words to express it. Or at least this is how I felt and by 9 & 10, I was very troubled & angry already. Kids in this environement grow up very quickly & w/ no one to talk about it, you just try to understand it on your own w/ a child's mentality. No wonder so many of us are screwed up (ACoA's) ~ okay, I can only speak for myself ~ I was/am so screwed up!
There is ala-tot and alateen. Maybe there would be one in your area or you could work to create one yourself. Surely you aren't the only mother with a young child at home in your home group. Perhaps your sponsor or other members will have some great ideas about it. My mother took me everywhere, as a single parent & I hated baby sitters. Going to al-anon with her would have been great & I'd be a completely different person today. Kids adjust so much better and more quickly to growth, changes than adults do. They are also much more open minded.
Good luck & hang in there! -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hey Ms! I was reminded on Sunday that my youngest took her first steps at that alanon meeting into the arms of another member. That made me so happy to think about. My kids go to most of my meetings with me. There is usually another room for them to hang out in. And if not, they sit in my meeting. They know how to be quiet, how annonimity works (we don't talk about who was in the meeting and if we see them out, we don't talk about where we know them from, etc) I am very proud that my kids are being exposed to recovery. Think of all the families where the kids are exposed to nothing but he disease. People don't say much when there are drunk people at a kid's b-day party, or drunk people watching the kids every evening...some people feel that is normal. I feel that kids in a meeting is way more normal. In fact, my kids have become best friends with other members kids and we have sleep overs and play dates.
Oh, and when I needed it, I went to 8-9 meetings a week. I couldn't afford a sitter either and I brought all 3 kids with me. I actually nursed my baby thru many of those meetings. Don't expect others to understand. Just do what you need to do to be the very best mother you can be. And the exposure to recovery is way better than the exposure to dysfunction as far as your child is concerned.
Don't "should" on yourself!!! If your feeling drained then do what you need to do to recharge. Might be doing nothing at all. You are allowed. Comes under the heading of "taking care of ourselves". It's what you're supposed to do!!!
I have had the exact same thought when I am watching my kids in school activities. How many lives will be effected by addiction.....it is sad, but we know it is a reality. How many will find recovery? I know my kids, no matter what path they choose, will know about 12 step programs and that is one gift I have given them. How many other kids will receive this gift from their parents? Maybe my kids will be able to spread the message...maybe yours will too!!!!
We have a saying here Progress not Perfection , we are never going to make perfect and when I think about it who wants that anyway , friends would be ticked off yada yada yada . so go easy on yourself . You hit the nail on the head when u said * your so tired of always working so hard * to make things okay , make things ok for you and son much easier that way . And good for you on leting bf find his own job . Al-Anon meetings are awsome but your mom may have a point , sometimes they gt very emotional andit may hinder your sharring so as not to upset your son , you need to feel safe to share and not worry about what he may hear . Perhaps mom will sit a second nite or maybe when he goes to school u will find a day time meeting that makes things easier often they have lunch hr meetings . A wise Alcoholic told me along time ago TO PLEASE MYSELF AND THEN AT LEAST ONE OF US WILL BE HAPPY . worked for me . Louise
When I get like that I immediately go to HALT and ask myself Am I hungry Am I Angry Am I lonely Am I tired
It the answer to any of these is yes then that is what I work on that day. Sometimes we try to work on too many things at once and in the process we get nothing accomplished.
As for your son at the meetings - Are there perhaps other members who have small ones that they have to find someone to watch?
One of the f2f groups I attend recently contacted the AA group that meets at the same time and found that there were others there as well that could use the benefit of having child care during the meetings. We recruited a teenager of one of the members, take up a seperate contribution in both meetings especially for the sitter, members brough tin busy books, crayons, scissors, glue pens etc to help occupy them and it is working out great.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
