The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here it is Tuesday morning and its been 4 days since I spoke with my ex ABF who is in rehab. I took the advise offered by some members of this board to detach for a weekend to see how I felt. I have to be honest, it feels great. Detaching from him for a weekend and knowing he is safe in rehab allowed me to truly enjoy the past several days. I'll admit the first day was tough, but as the days passed it became easier. He left me a few messages over the weekend, but I just listened to them now. In the past, I would have jumped to listen to them and immediately returned his calls. That didnt happen this time.
Over the weekend I came to some conclusions: 1) He really needed help with his disease for a while and although I thought I could 'hold his hand' and protect him, I am not that powerful. 2) Him and I could never share a relationship other than a casual friendship 3) My life is so peaceful without the constant worries about him 4) I realized how fortunate I am that I have a stable life, great children and a wonderful boyfriend 5) Realized that I shouldnt talk about my ex so much with my current boyfriend because deep inside it may really bother him even though he always offers me the support with dealing with the ex.
and most importantly: 6) I love myself, my children, friends and family way too much to let my ex get me down. My concentration needs to be on #1, myself and #2 my children. If I am not healthy I cant be a good mom to the people that matter the most to me: my children.
Hopefully I will stay strong from this point forward and if I answer the phone when he calls I wont allow his sobbing to get me down. I'll be the best friend I can to him (from a distance), keep him in my prayers and hope that one day he recovers from this horrible disease called alcoholism and learns to love himself. If he doesnt, he will never find happiness.
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I am so proud of you! You were open minded & you got relief & could truly appreciate what you have around you now ~ fantastic! I had the hardest time with obsessing, I know it can be devaststing & nearly impossible at times to break yourself of it. I had thought hard about you yesterday & wondered how your weekend was.
When I left my exAH, I decided that his love was killing me & I would love and support him from very far away, in spirit b/c soon after I made the decision to never speak to him again. I still love him but I had to protect and save myself. Being friends w/ exboyfriends can be very tricky. It's great that you want to try it but you definitely need detachment & it sounds like you've managed to gain some. Good for you! Stellar!
As far as not talking to the new b/f about the ex ~ I do it once in a while, mostly I bring up good memories b/c after 8 years apart, this is the first year I've had good memories of him and it was a part of my life. But no one can understand like we do & talking to most ppl about addiction I have finally learned is highly inappropriate ~ they simply don't understand. So use all of us and know this is and your face to face meetings & al-anon friends are the best place to spill your guts.
It sounds like you had a major epiphany, keep up the good work, you are worth it! -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
That is an awesome post, and so much growth on your part..... I purposely kept my nose out of your earlier ones, as I was (privately) empathizing with your current bf, wondering how the heck he could be feeling....
Sounds like you and your ex-bf had somewhat of a "toxic love" thing going on.... much more "need" than true love, and he sounds somewhat addicted to you, and not in a healthy way...
I applaud you for the growth you've shown with these realizations, and kudos to people here if they helped encourage you to take a few days away from the situation to be able to honestly reflect....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
