The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I thought this past weekend would be nice. And from first glance, it was. My birthday was Saturday, and several of my friends got together and threw a party for me at a restaurant that night. Kind of a birthday/"last hurrah" before my SABF moves in with me in two weeks. The party was a lot of fun. Lots of laughter - and I felt surrounded by all of my closest friends.
Sunday night, I got a call from my oldest friend (the one I've known the longest). She gave me an earful about what she thought of some of my other friends - how she was treated by them at my party, etc. And then she spoke for two other people at the table, and said they echoed those same sentiments. Some of the comments had merit, some were off base. I felt that NONE of them should have been shared with me.
I've lived in the same city my whole life, and have collected friends along the way. Some know each other very well - some only very casually. I realize that these friends are a reflection of who I've been along the way. All of the ladies there have been special to me. It's obvious that some aren't nearly as special to each other, nor do they like the fact that some of the others are indeed special to me. The green monster.
I spent yesterday involved in the fallout. Mainly because I was stunned and very sad that some of my "friends" would be so nasty, and that one of them felt the need to share all of this with me. What was the point? I spent the day "sorting" it out and talking to some of my other friends about their perception of the events. I spent the evening in tears. Complete meltdown.
I felt that by stabbing at each other - they were also stabbing at me. MY personal choices for friends. MY judgment. THAT's how I took it. Right or wrong.
I called my SABF and he lent me his ear, and a little of his shoulder. He did tell me that by my talking to my other friends about it, that I was perpetuating the drama. I agreed with him. Completely. Maybe what I was looking from my other friends was a sympathetic ear, and someone to tell me how wrong those other people were. What I got was their anger stirred up (like mine!). Which I thought would bring me some satisfaction and justification, but rather brought me even lower.
What I wanted from my SABF was COMPLETE sympathy and "soothing". But as I stated earlier, I got his ear and A LITTLE of his shoulder. I know, I know......he's working his program. (That should be a good thing, right?!?!?!)
So I'm left with ME. How I deal with all of this. I repeated the serenity prayer dozens of times through my tears last night. It got me through.
I have to wonder if HP is tossing this one out there for me as a "test pitch" to see how well I can deal with problems and personalities before SABF arrives. Testing my recovery? Wowzer.......did I ever fail miserably!
So I'm getting back on the horse today and digging for sanity. I will find my own solutions (with the help of HP and this program)....and I will attempt to do better next time.
Thanks for wading through this mess of a post. I'm just still a mess this morning.
((((((r3))))) Im sorry you had to deal with people like that, especially following your birthday and the emotions you are having dealing with your b/f moving back in. Some people are just not happy themselves unless they are putting someone else down. Each person that we allow into our lives is there for a reason. We CHOOSE our friends, for qualities they posess that we admire and want in our lives. Unfortunately, not everyone needs the same people for the same reasons, and cant always see what we see in someone else. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the "greeen monster". Maybe your friend saw something in another that they werent. You dont need your friends' approval of your other friends, for you know what each one means to you. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
R3, thanks for your post- If it were me, I would have done the same thing, I bet. Called around. Gotten a bit of the "lay of the land" about the reality of the event? Sometimes we all attend something and come away with SUCH different perspectives that I wonder if me and my friends even attended the same thing!!! So funny..but I also think that you have some recovery opportunities here: 1.) You may choose to focus on the good and ignore the bad stuff- hey, a bunch of people got together and threw you a great party, right? If it were not for the dissing phone call afterwards, all might not be so bleak? Its that same conundrum as the wife who was happily married for 20 years until she finds our her husband had been having an affair the whole time- does that one piece of information completely negate all those years of happiness? I have no answer to that question but it kinda reminds me of that same kind of situation- is the good part all an illusion? I would say no- all that goodness at the time was still all that goodness at that time...something to think about. 2.) drama is tempting, always will be for us: we can take the bait for a little while. you are looking at you part and that is great: try not to be too hard on yourself for taking the bait, its bound to happen once in awhile- maybe YOU are the one gearing up for his arrival by practicing taking bait and then letting it go. You can dance- but know when to quit and it looks like you are doing that!, so its practice, not perfection. 3.) dump it onto HP. Any friend who calls speaking for other friends is suspect in my book- my friends can call me and talk to me themselves...another opportunity to think about what others think of me is none of my business? 4.) Its really their problem, not yours. If they cannot get along- they are big girls and can sort it out- respect them to handle this themselves. If they stop being YOUR friend because of your other friends that is definitiely their choice and their problem, not yours, I think.
Love ya R3- its always going to be something, isnt it??!! Hugs, J
Well, you are right, they were there for you. Everyone can't like everybody else. I too am always interested in trying to soothe emotional issues but jealousy & gossip among "friends" is very juvenille. Truth is a lot of people never evolve passed it. I cling tight to the alanon acronyms and remember JADE (don't) Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It took me along time to get to the point where I could actually let go and just do that but what a relief. Before than I really did feel I had to, like I was obligated to. It's one thing to listen & simply say, 'sorry you feel that way' but that in itself can validate them, I can be empathetic & not have to get involved too much.
I agree with you, these little chances or tests allow us to see how we handle things and you've seen where you can tweak your reactions. It's not so much as good or bad but how does it effect my serenity? They are all opportunites for growth.
I am glad you had a nice birthday & felt your friend's love for you. I hope you can let go & let god of the after math & just remember what a nice night you had on your birthday dinner.
BTW ~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Maybe the real gift is seeing that a little detachment is liberating & freeing. You deserve it! Hang in there, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Well, at least it is out in the open now. For my recovery I have made the decision to not to triangulate ie create those triangles with more than two people. Talking about each other in front of or behind each others back. I ask myself "is it my business, God's business, or someone else's business?" It usually is none of my business and my life goes much better. I can so identify with your long life and different friends who have been there in different phases of your life. What they all have in common is YOU and that is all it should have been about.
Thanks everyone for your responses. So full of truth. When I stopped long enough to take a breath and a step back from this "insanity", I realize that all of this was none of my business (even though it was delivered to my doorstep). I'm reviewing my options on how to respond to the friend who felt the need to pour the water all over my good evening.
And you're right Jean, drama is VERY tempting for me. I'm glad this episode got my attention like it did.
